today is my daughters birthday

julee_annSeptember 11, 2004

This will the third birthday without Lindsey and it seems to be getting harder to deal with. I dont know if the reality of her never coming back is just now catching up with me or what. She would have been 25 today. For the past couple of weeks Ive been thinking about all the what ifs again. Was watching on t.v. last night about all the events than unfolded of 9-11 3 years ago and was so saddened for many reasons. Of course for all the lives that were lost and also if that would not have happened my daughter would not have went active duty down in Florida. She would have been home. On her birthday 3 years ago she called home and said this is the suckiest birhday ever. Just a week later she signed up for active duty. Does reality ever set in? I can be going along in my day to day life and all of sudden its like a shockwave has hit me out of the blue when I think my god i am never going to see her in this life again. That is the worst feeling. Does this still happen to us after many years after our loss? I feel like i am going crazy sometimes. Thank you all for listening to me. I am so sorry for each and every one of your losses. I still have a hard time responding to a post because i am not sure what to say. Always afraid the grief i am still feeling after 2 years is not normal and might say something wrong. Julie

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Nell Jean

Julie, I don't believe there IS any 'normal' any more. I also believe there isn't anything wrong that might be said here unless we say something rude about another person's experience or personal beliefs. I do understand about the difficulty of responding to posts. Sometimes I type half a page and then delete. It's hard to put your feelings into words that begin to express feelings.

The programs on the events of 9-11-01 are indeed saddening for ourselves as well as those who are remembering loved ones. Their loss in no way diminishes ours, or ours theirs. My sister in law died 9-11-02. My son's death in 2003 is still a keen loss. Have you been in a grief group or to counseling? I hope you can find comfort.

Nell

    Bookmark   September 11, 2004 at 11:51AM
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alisande

Oh, Julie, don't worry about being normal. Grief is so individual, and takes so many forms, rearing up at odd times, or completely predictable times. Birthdays are in the latter category. They can be pretty awful. I lost my daughter a year before you, and I can still cry at the drop of a hat. But I also know that I'm doing so much better overall. Noticeably better than last year, when I was where you're at now. I'd like to offer you some hope.

Susan

    Bookmark   September 11, 2004 at 12:13PM
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lulie___wayne

Julie, like Susan said, don't worry about "normal".There is no "normal". Each one of us grieves as differently as each of our personalities and experiences with our loved ones who have left us. Being that we all have different experiences with our loves, we have different hurts, issues to deal with, circumstances to straighten out in our heads and the list goes on and on.
We all have that basic grief, but there is no time table or rules when it comes to what we are feeling inside and when it surfaces.
Birthdays are hard for me. Harder than the "Heaven Day" as I call it.
I try not to think too much about the fact that I won't ever see Chris again in this life. I try to remember that this life is VERY short compared to the eternity of pure happiness that I will spend with her after my time here is up. That is a happy thought.
Try to replace your bad/sad thoughts with happy ones. It will help you survive this.
I too, can honestly finally see a significant difference in my emotional state since Chris left. It has been 6 years and 5 months. My heart is finally feeling lighter and I am more ready to do fun things. Chris knows I love her and always will. She loved life and was ALWAYS ready for a great time, so I want to let that part of her that is in me shine.
Julie, you will feel better in time.
Lu

    Bookmark   September 11, 2004 at 10:03PM
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julee_ann

Thank you Nell,Susan and Lu for your kind words. I have seen a counselor 1 time about 2 months after the accident. He didnt seem to be the one for me and I should have looked elsewhere but didnt. I may still. Last week was just an awful week. My sisters 22 year old daughter was in a car accident and got thrown out onto the interstate. She was so very lucky and ended up with only a mangled arm. Seems like everything comes at the same time and just makes me more emotional about Lindsey's birthday. Thank you all again. Julie

    Bookmark   September 13, 2004 at 11:58AM
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