Im a sister, who no longer has a brother...

steph_ySeptember 14, 2007

I found this forum by typing in "I miss my brother" in google. Im not sure what I want to accomplish with this message. I think I felt compelled because an odd amount of people have posted messages about losing a brother and I havent found that anywhere else. It has been 3 months since my brother was killed in a drunk driving accident and in about 2 weeks I am suppose to give a victim impact statement at the sentancing hearing for the guy who killed him. I guess Im asking for help. Im only 20 years old and my brother was 21. He was my best friend and people often mistaked us for twins, I have never seen a brother/sister realationship like the one me and my brother had. He knew me better then anyone else in this world. We went through divorces, break-ups, dysfunctional families and heartbreaks together. We liked the same movies, music and shows. It was drilled in us at a young age that there would come a day when our parents wouldnt be around and we were going to have to take care of each other. I have never felt more alone in my life. I'm thankful for all the people who are here for me, but it still feels like I am all alone now.

To be honest, I dont care what happens to this guy who was 3x the legal drinking limit, who was behind the wheel, that flipped the car, that hit the metal post, that crushed my brothers head, where it skidded 300feet and mangled my brother's body in the passenger seat. My best coping method is pretending that it doesnt exist. I want to pretend this guy doesnt exist. But when I go into that courtroom, which feels like something I have to do, I'm going to have to face this person who has changed my life and I feel like reality is crushing me. Im suppose to start my Junior year at Portland State University but all I want to do is sleep. Im getting pretty good at faking "normal" and sometimes i feel weird that people dont understand the depth of my pain because he was my brother and not a husband or a parent or grandparent. But this is the first, worst death I have experience in my life and it was only person I trusted throughout my life.

What am I suppose to do now? I've read stories about people that have died 1, 2, 3...5..10 years ago and I can barely fathom the thought of tomorrow without Stephen. How am I suppose to be a sister, without a brother? These are not empty questions, these are real questions that I welcome answer too because I have no idea what Im doing at this point. THank you for taking the time to read this if you have. Its a nice break from faking smiles and jokes and acting "normal"...

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Steph y

I am very sorry for your loss. I feel like I have a lot in common with you. My brother and I were also one year apart, and often mistaken for twins. He understood me better than anyone else. And, God, how he could make me laugh!

I've been reading a lot of grieve books. I found one written by a woman who lost her older brother. If you are interested, I could try to figure out who wrote it. Anyhow,
there was a quote in there that I took some comfort in; "You never get over the loss of a brother"

I don't have any advice or anything to give. I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and understand your pain.


    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 3:56AM
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Steph, hamc36's idea about books is a good one. I went through a stack of books after my daugther died, and found some help there. I also urge you--strongly--to get some good counseling. I'm guessing your school might be an excellent resource for this. I believe sudden death creates extra have to deal with missing someone you love so deeply, plus you have to somehow get over the shock of sudden, violent loss. Counseling can help.

If you're not sure what to say in court, you could read the first paragraph of your post above.

Some people might tell you that you have to forgive the drunk driver. Maybe someday you'll be able to do that, and maybe you won't. My advice is to not try very hard. If forgiveness happens, it happens. But some of us find some things unforgiveable, and the important thing, I think, is to make certain it doesn't consume you. Don't let yourself think about that person very often or for very long.

But think all you want about your brother. Talk to him, write letters to him, ask him to come to you in a dream. Perhaps he will.

Much sympathy to you.


    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 9:01AM
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Steph, My heart breaks for you. I know what you're going through. My daughter had to face the same thing when her 28 year brother (my son) died on Christmas day in 1996. We all felt like we were missing a limb; each one of us had memories of Jason and our grief and pain was something I had never felt before, even though I had lost my father and mother. I wrote alot, and read many wonderful books...some not even all the way through, but it gave my mind a place to go and just "be".

On June 20th of this year my only brother died from results of lymphoma. I embrase all the memories of when we were kids and I know he knew that I loved him dearly. He was such a good brother, always willing to come over and do a "manly" job for me...I will miss not calling him for those special times.

I will say to you the same thing a wonderful doctor told me, "Don't let anyone tell you have to grieve". You do what you need to do. You circle yourself with love and when you need to reach out for help pick someone who will just listen with a open heart and then hug you close for whatever time it takes.

Please keep the lines of communication open. Come to this forum often and read what others have to say, join in and let us know how you're doing. This is an amazing place. I did join a forum back in 96 and I can truly say it helped so very much.

My thoughts are with you.


    Bookmark   September 14, 2007 at 7:43PM
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I'm probably one of the posters that has had some time pass since the major loss of a dear one - my 18yr old daughter. I too was faced with a court appearance, but thankfully I didn't have to go through that. The driver of the car was cited with 3 misdemeanor tickets and that was the end of that. I didn't originally begin any legal process, but not long after my daughter's accident, I was also involved in an accident. I was forced into appearing because it was a pretty dynamic event, and the person cited wanted all witnesses and victims to appear to testify. Of course I had to get an attorney. He advised me that I should "go after" the guy that caused my daughter's accident. I didn't want to, but he said that he could do it without me. I suspect thought that if the case had gone further, I would have been able to bring closure of some sort. I say this to say, gather the strength to do what you have to do. Mind you, if you really cannot, I'm sure there is a solution to that - maybe speak to the attorney, judge, etc. However, if you decide to do this, speak clearly and really explain all that you have told us in your post. Those feelings are the reason you have this opportunity - to let this person realize the impact and also possibly provide some influence towards a proper sentence. The laws didn't always allow victims like you, to have a voice. It's a tough act, I know. But share your thoughts, and if you have hard time, just call on your faith. You have a right to let everyone know the destruction caused by drunk drivers. Maybe, just maybe, as you face this head on, you may get some relief in expressing your thoughts where is can make a difference.

I just found this forum, and I'm almost glad that I found it now, rather than before. It is difficult to sort things when the trauma is still fresh. I'm afraid that I the emotions would have caused me to dwell on the situation a lot more. That being said, please know that everyone here is in your corner and has some sense of your pain and suffering. We will be here for you - both on the forum and through private emails, if necessary. I know our prayers will include you too. As I said be strong, and as you carry out your court appearance, take us with you in your heart - we all will be more than happy to walk with you. By all means though, also have and keep faith - it does work. I cannot tell you how much faith, even as small as a mustard seed, will help carry you through this. Pray for the strength and courage to see this through - today, tomorrow and for always. Your prayers will be answered without question.

Please let us know how things go. Even as the years go by, please keep the forum at hand - we'll still be here. BTW, I know your brother will be with you.

in spirit I send my love, and a hug.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2007 at 1:08AM
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I too lost my brother, but he was abit older than yours. But he still was only 51 yrs. old. First of all I lost my father then a year and 3 months later my mother passed and 5 months and 3 days later I lost my dear brother. He was the oldest of the 7 children and he and I were very close. It has been 7 years since he passed and I still miss him terribly. But PLEASE know that as time passes it will get better. I used to cry when I would see a picture of my parents and Jim. When my siblings and I would talk about them we would all cry. 7 years later I still cry sometimes but I have great memories of them all. Please grieve in your own way. You do not have to put on a brave face. You have been going thru HELL and you deserve to cry anywhere, anytime. My heart goes out to you.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2007 at 11:19PM
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Hi Steph - sending hugs to you too. Seven years - 13 years, like my situation, still doesn't make it go away. It's just that, as you said, it does get a little easier to cope so you can enjoy the memories.


    Bookmark   September 19, 2007 at 12:20AM
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