I lost my best friend my dad
A few months before my dad passed I told my husband that my parents were not allowed to die. That they have to stay here forever, that I couldnt picture my life without them.
I am an only child. My dad loved to say not spoiled, just well taken care of : )
My mom always said that dad and I would move wherever you moved to, and she prooved true to her word when I mentioned we move to a new town. We were lucky to live with my parents in the same housing development. I always thought I would take care of my parents when they got older, - well they older but so full of energy and zest.
I never thought it would be turned around and they would be the ones taking care of me. long story short- I got spinal menigities 5 years ago and and I am disabled as a result of it. Dad was my caregiver, he cleaned up after me while I got sick, he drove me and my girls around, every day I would see my dad because he would pick us up to take them to preschool and now elementary school. drove me to countless doctors appts. he was my best friend, we developed to be so close, I would take him to coffee, we would talk, laugh, debate.
dad encouraged me and was proud of my stubborness in getting better, but now maybe that stubborness that was in him so strongly , i don tknow. he started to hurt in his leg in april, got to the doctor in july 11. plus he has a tumor in his head. by the time july comes around he is in extreme pain. dr said it was sciatica(sp?) well it wasnt.
we took dad to ER aug 11 and he never came home because a day later we found out it was cancer, 2 days later it was found he had lung , head, and that tumor ate his hip bone, level 4 cancer, 18 days later he passed.
i cannot fanthom him being gone. i still have all of his memorial flower arrangements in my family room, they are decaying but i cannot get rid of them. helping mom ; doing her will, dont know if she will move in with us or not, everytime now my husband comes home from work with a card in his hand from picking up the mail i cry because i know what its inside it. good friends, but i dont think you truely understand the grieve until you have been thru it, and its something i dont want others to do.
were getting an autopsy, and it will be nice to know exactly what he passed from. but i cant accept it. i try and stay busy doing things at home, taking a nap, picking up and dropping off my girls to school - (ugh another story). and i feel so much better when my girls and peter is home. but still even when they are here, i dont feel the same inside anymore, the sorrow is so deep. i wonder if i will ever feel the way i once felt, I dont think so, how could I. my dad not being here to continue being in my life , and me , he didnt make it to my 35 birthday (and he didnt make it to his 70th) and if I do live to his age, all those years without him being here.