I lost my best friend my dad

violaroseSeptember 20, 2006

A few months before my dad passed I told my husband that my parents were not allowed to die. That they have to stay here forever, that I couldnt picture my life without them.

I am an only child. My dad loved to say not spoiled, just well taken care of : )

My mom always said that dad and I would move wherever you moved to, and she prooved true to her word when I mentioned we move to a new town. We were lucky to live with my parents in the same housing development. I always thought I would take care of my parents when they got older, - well they older but so full of energy and zest.

I never thought it would be turned around and they would be the ones taking care of me. long story short- I got spinal menigities 5 years ago and and I am disabled as a result of it. Dad was my caregiver, he cleaned up after me while I got sick, he drove me and my girls around, every day I would see my dad because he would pick us up to take them to preschool and now elementary school. drove me to countless doctors appts. he was my best friend, we developed to be so close, I would take him to coffee, we would talk, laugh, debate.

dad encouraged me and was proud of my stubborness in getting better, but now maybe that stubborness that was in him so strongly , i don tknow. he started to hurt in his leg in april, got to the doctor in july 11. plus he has a tumor in his head. by the time july comes around he is in extreme pain. dr said it was sciatica(sp?) well it wasnt.

we took dad to ER aug 11 and he never came home because a day later we found out it was cancer, 2 days later it was found he had lung , head, and that tumor ate his hip bone, level 4 cancer, 18 days later he passed.

i cannot fanthom him being gone. i still have all of his memorial flower arrangements in my family room, they are decaying but i cannot get rid of them. helping mom ; doing her will, dont know if she will move in with us or not, everytime now my husband comes home from work with a card in his hand from picking up the mail i cry because i know what its inside it. good friends, but i dont think you truely understand the grieve until you have been thru it, and its something i dont want others to do.

were getting an autopsy, and it will be nice to know exactly what he passed from. but i cant accept it. i try and stay busy doing things at home, taking a nap, picking up and dropping off my girls to school - (ugh another story). and i feel so much better when my girls and peter is home. but still even when they are here, i dont feel the same inside anymore, the sorrow is so deep. i wonder if i will ever feel the way i once felt, I dont think so, how could I. my dad not being here to continue being in my life , and me , he didnt make it to my 35 birthday (and he didnt make it to his 70th) and if I do live to his age, all those years without him being here.

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flowergazer

I so feel your pain ,I lost my mom to cervical cancer 5 years ago.You will never get over the trauma of losing someone so dear but in time you will learn to live with it and things will become more clear.Time is the power of healing and take as much time to grieve as you need, I still grieve and get upset when I have something to share with my mom and she is gone, but I have a Dad that depends on us to help him through the pain of losing his soul mate ,that helped me alot to understand his pain and his loss.Everything you are going through is normal,think of talking to a professional if the burden is to much ,I think opening up right now in your letter is a great start .Good Luck.Brenda

    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 7:17AM
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nikkiandjacksmom

Viola
Sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad 10 months ago. He was 68 and I was 34. I think the same way that you are. It will be hard to go through life for the next 30-40 years without dad. My dad helped me out with watching my kids while I worked. He was such a great dad. I miss him horribly. Everything you are feeling is normal. It doesnt seem fair and at times the sorrow cuts like a knife deep inside my heart. Then I get so mad that he died. I guess all these feelings are normal. Your life will never be the same again, something just changes when you lose someone you love. When I lost my dad I felt so alone and realized wow its really time to grow up now because when mom and dad are still here, a part of you stays there little girl. There is no easy answer. Just try to keep yourself busy and cry when you need to. Talking to other people who are going through similiar thing helps me. I dont like going around people who still have there parents. I guess I am jealous, not sure,. In the end we will be reunited again. My prayers are coming your way. Keep posting

    Bookmark   September 20, 2006 at 7:52AM
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violarose

i just cant seem to manage. i am depressed. i dont want to do anything anymore.

    Bookmark   September 22, 2006 at 12:15PM
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sylviatexas1

It was such a *personal* loss.
and it blindsided you.

We can cope with emergencies, loss, car wrecks, we can cope with *anything*...if we see it coming.

The things that blindside us leave us feeling numb & reeling & maybe almost violated.

It's like being mugged.

It's much harder to recover from a mugging than from, say, a root canal.

So give yourself some time, & realize that your body, mind, & heart have been damaged & have to recover.

&, even if you don't want to do anything, *obligate* yourself to do at least one thing a day:

When my aunt lost her husband, for weeks she stayed in bed every single day until her Scottie demanded to be walked.

She told me later that that dog's leash was her lifeline.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2006 at 4:16PM
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