And the pain continues........

craftygal65September 26, 2004

It has been 3 weeks today since my son lost his fiancee and my husband and I lost a future daughter in law and the grandchildren that would have been. I am trying to heal from this hurt and help my son but some days it feels like it is not in me. Today was a bad day--my son says he misses Isabella more with every passing day. He seems so sad and depressed and it makes me very angry and sad that I cannot help him. He says he doesn't need counseling (must be a guy thing) but I do not know how much more of this I can take. I am so depressed and sad. What should I do? I am definitely going to go for some help for myself but can't convince him he should do the same. Any advice?

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This is such a difficult period and it does seem that men tend to not want to open up to the idea of counseling, at least not right away. It may be too early for yor son. Does he open up to you and show and share grief? When my sis in law lost her daughter,neither her son nor her husband would share their feelings or grief....much of their emotions were kept bottled up but perhaps they let it out privately. Needless to say, it took its toll on both men over the course of the next year. I encourage you to stay close to him on this and encourage him to talk and open up to you, but at the same time, respect the need for space he may need on this. It may take time for him to get his emotions in perspective - his grief is raw and fresh right now. He may need some time - his pain is so intense it may be the last thing he wants - to open this pain for others to see. I commend you for going for help and perhaps they can offer some guidance on how to help your son until he may agree to do the same.
My sympathies for the loss for you and your son.


    Bookmark   September 26, 2004 at 5:39AM
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When we lost Brian we were all in the same emotional state--drowning in intense grief with no resources to help one another. My son shut down after the first day.

I started Grief councilling a year later and it helped me a great deal. I should have gone earlier. My husband had some very good friends who were wise enough to come often and let him vent.

My son worries me. I think he felt he needed to be strong for us and pushed it all down inside himself. I don't think he speaks of his brother to anyone. I wish he would go to see a professional but when I suggested it once, he said something like, why? bad things happen and you have to deal with it, talking won't change that.

Your son may be like mine, won't talk to you for fear of adding to your grief and won't talk to a professional because, well, because he's a man. Does he have a good friend you could ask to really listen to him? Or a male family member he would be comfortable talking to--a favorite uncle or cousin?

If you find an answer, please share it.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2004 at 8:50AM
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I can relate to your pain and dilemma as far as your son's grief goes. During these past 6 years, my son rarely speaks of his sister either. They were very close and only siblings.
I think by you going to counseling, it may pave the way for your son and maybe if he sees that it is helping you, then he may go also. Ask him if there is anything that you would like for him to ask the counselor. Share with him about your visits.
I'm so sorry and I wish I could help you and your son.

    Bookmark   September 27, 2004 at 12:24AM
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this is such a hard has been three years and my son is just now starting to open up a little...but most of his feelings have been anger and i fear he will meet disasterous results if he doesnt learn to deal with his grief took me a long time to realize how we all grieve in different phases and i have learned by sharing alot that i read here seems to help my son and my husband both....good luck to you ..i know this will not be easy

    Bookmark   September 27, 2004 at 9:44PM
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There are stages to grief, and we all go through them at different times. Even though I went through grief therapy and I recommend it highly, I found that after the death of my oldest son, talking was the healing factor in our family. The greatest legacy someone leaves behind is our memories of them. Sharing these memories with one another helps us share the burden of grief. I found that my husband and son had some very funny stories to share that I had known nothing about. It brought us all closer and helped us to heal.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2004 at 7:02AM
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