I cant seem to get moving

tjmondragonSeptember 15, 2005

It will be 11 weeks on sunday that my husband has been gone.He passed away in a motorcycle accident.I was in a different state visiting my grandmother who's husband passed away 6 monthe ago.i went there to comfort her.On the day i was supposed to come home and see my husband after a very long week away from him i got the worse phone call i have ever received in my life.it was my sister telling me my husband had passed away in a motorcycle accident.i didnt believe it.On the 24 hour ride home i kept calling home saying are you sure it is him,telling them this is not a funny joke.i was so excited to come home and see him i missed him so much.In 10 years that was the longest i was ever away from him.now its been almost 11 weeks.12 if you count the time i was in michigan.Italked to him the night it happened i told him to be careful on his way home and i would see him in 28 hours.he was not careful.We just had a baby girl she was his little princess, he loved her so much.she looks just like her daddy, the daddy she will never get to know or kiss or hug.we also have a 6 year old son. he misses his daddy so much, he always says maybe god just took daddy for a little while to talk to him and he will come home.it breaks my heart.Iused to be such a happy person, now i cant even drag myself out of bed, when my daughter wakes up i send her to my moms house, my son goes to school. every day i just wish i was with him. i spend an hour at the cemetery every day. i need him back and i know that will never happen but i cant face the fact.how do you make yourself strong enough. everyone says you have the kids to take care of, but there are so many people who will take care of them they would be ok.my life has no meaning anymore it stopped the day he died.all i do is cry, i need him so much.i dont know how to go on.does anyone else feel this way?

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I know that losing a child or mom or husband are all different griefs, but grief is grief. I haven't lost my husband yet, but I can only imagine what it would be like. We have had a wonderful life together and we love each other more than words can say.
The only thing I know to tell you is to just grieve as you need to, don't rush yourself to do anything that other people say you should do, and just take one minute at a time. As time passes, you will adjust. You will never "get over it" as some say, but you will learn to live the new life that you have now. Let other people help you as you need to.
Also, I know that sometimes we get wrapped up in our own grief, but don't forget that your young son is grieving also and needs you more than he has ever needed you. Your two children are your purpose now. You may not feel important, but you are the most important person in their lives. You have to go on for them.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband. Write any time you feel the need.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   September 15, 2005 at 5:43PM
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Lulie is right. You must grieve, you must cry and feel deep sadness, but you must also assist your children through this difficult time. They need you now more than ever. Maybe you can think of some things to do with the kids to honor their dad.

I am sorry you are suffering such heartbreak. Take care.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2005 at 8:59PM
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thats a big part of my problem. i am trying so hard to be there for m.j(my son)but seeing him sad makes me even sadder. i know he feels so much pain he is like me we just sit and stare into space.he seems to be the strong one. he is always hugging me and saying daddy is ok mom, ,please dont cry. i try to stop but i just miss him so much. we have done a few things to honor my husband. we had a softball tournament in his honor, we also have made 2 crosses and put them on the highway where the accident happened.we have always been a tight family thats why its so hard our whole lives have changed and we need to try to figure out who we are without him.but i cant start that yet.ive tried.thank you for talking to me. i know i probobly sound like a babbling crybaby.you know people say it will get better day by day but in our case we seem to get worse day by day.again thanks for your advice.

    Bookmark   September 15, 2005 at 11:21PM
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Hi there I wish I could come over give you a big hug and try to help with you and the kids, but I can't. You don't sound like a crybaby at all. I can not imagine how you must feel because even though I lost a dear Mum who was my best friend, I can not imagine living without my partner, who is my rock and with me everyday. Your kids are what matters now, they are the scared trust your husband has left to you. The greatest honour you can give to your husband, the last real thing you can do for him is to make sure his children grow up to be young people he would be proud of. I know right now you can not get your head around this and the pain is so bad, but plan your future one day at a time for now. Make sure you do one special thing for you all everyday. Even if it's just taking the kids down to the local shop for sweets or to the park. And talk to someone, you are in pain and you need to know someone is out there listening and understanding what you need. Be kind to yourself and don't blame yourself for being away when this terrible thing happend. My Mum belived in destiny, that everything happens as it should. She was orphaned at the age of 8, she told me a secret before she died, she said she always thought what her dad would want her to do and that always helped her to make her decisions, it kept her family alive within her. It could help if you think what your husband would have done if the role had been reversed. You have to go on you have no choice because you have to bring up those lovely kids of yours to know what a great daddy they had and to keep his memory alive for them. All my thought are with you love Sue xxxxx

    Bookmark   September 16, 2005 at 4:32AM
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Hang in there, tj. Sounds like you are on the right track (even though it's not the track you want to be on!), but unfortunately grieving is a process which cannot be rushed. The softball tournament sounds wonderful, and putting out the crosses was a good thing to do also. Those things are so valuable to you and the children.

You are certainly not a crybaby. You deserve and need to cry.

I know you are in emotional agony. I'm so sorry. I send you a "cyber-hug." Keep in touch here.

    Bookmark   September 16, 2005 at 10:21PM
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today was our nephews birthday (his brothers son) they had a birthday party for him.i was not going to go but when i went to the cemetery i felt like i should go. we never missed a birthday, and always had the most fun with the kids.my husband was a big kid himself always out there playing with the kids.i now think i should not have gone to the party.im not ready to get out yet. all i did was cry.i feel like i ruined my nephews party, god i just dont want to live anymore.no one was playing with the kids i just kept watching them and you could tell all of them missed uncle leonard its just not the same and i dont like to way it seems like its going to be. why does he take the good ones when there are so many bad peolpe out there.my husband was a good man.i tried to get out but i cant.and again thank you all for talking with me. tracy

    Bookmark   September 17, 2005 at 2:30AM
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tracy -
Find a support group or a counselor - your church, or any church, or a local hospital would have a list of them. It helps to have an uninvolved profesisonal working with you to get your feelings out.

    Bookmark   September 17, 2005 at 7:12AM
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Tracy, I agree with lazygardens about getting a support group or some grief counseling for you and the kids. I believe that often women tend to "tough things out" or not ask for help when needed. Sometimes we don't realize when we need professional help.

There might be churches open even today which you could call to get something started.

Do it...OK?


    Bookmark   September 17, 2005 at 1:09PM
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Tracy, I am so sorry you lost the love of your life and the children lost their daddy. I lost my husband on April 2nd. Even tho my pain is still raw and I do still cry everyday..I see you in a different light than what I am in. It is so much harder for you with the two children to have to go on with your life everyday, even if you don't feel like it. As for me..I only have three doggies I have to take care of but once they are fed and pottied I can colaspe in my sadness.

I send hugs and love to you and I pray things will be better for you and your family.


    Bookmark   September 17, 2005 at 4:18PM
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its been 11 weeks today, i need him. i sit and think i will be ok but how?and about getting help, i cant do that. i dont know why but im sure they will tell me the same thing everyone else tells me.i have never been this kind of person.i have always been confident and happy .im not myself anymore.my son even said to me last night he wanted to go stay with his uncle and i think to myself maybe that would be best for him and me then i wouldnt have to get out bed.what do you think

    Bookmark   September 18, 2005 at 4:24PM
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thank you all for your help

    Bookmark   September 19, 2005 at 12:26AM
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i am back to ask for more advice. my new problem is this. Since the day my husband passed away I have asked all the questions we all ask ourselves. the main one i keep asking is why was he driving so fast on that bike and why did he get on it while he was drinking.I asked everyone over and over if they knew what happened. Well i finally found out what happened and I am caught in the middle of a fight.I dont know what to do.It seems his best friend was out at a different place (my husband was at the biker rally then they decided to go to a bar if i was in town this never would have happened).his friend called and said hurry up and get here I need your help, he never was able to tell him no. I can remember so many nights we would be sleeping and the phone would ring and it would be him asking for help.no matter what time it was my husband always went to his rescue.well this time my husband didnt make it.My husband passed away at 1:09, he talked to his friend at 1:07 he was in that much of a hurry to help his friend.Then he called my husbands phone at 3:30 and said thanks alot i really needed you.(like my husband didnt go to his rescue and die on the way there.)Now the problem is my brother in law checked my husbands messages before meand erased them because he didnt want me to hear them and go kill his best friend which I wanted to do when they finally told me what happened.Now when i asked his friend he said he thought he told me, which he may have because i have not been all here these days.And yes I was mad at him but i know how my husband was with him he never let him down . my husband should not have been on the bike that night period.... But my husbands family all blame his friend and get mad at me if I talk to him. he is my daughters godfather.I try to explain to my inlaws that it is as much my fault as it is his. I never should have went out of town without him.If we were going to play the blame game we could go on forever.The fact is my husband is gone and i know he would not want us to be mean to his friend and me being nice to him is making my inlaws mad at me . what should I do. I need feedback. thanks tracy

    Bookmark   September 26, 2005 at 2:42AM
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I know what you mean about the blame game. I am trying not to blame my daughter and grandson's dad for not getting him help for his depression. I know I tried but it just wasn't good enough and there goes the blame onto myself. The guilt is just almost to much to bear. It sounds like your hubby was a very kind and caring person. It seems like being in the middle of this is not the best for you. It makes me a little angry that you have to deal with family that is making things more difficult rather than supporting you. You need all the help you can get.

    Bookmark   September 26, 2005 at 9:46AM
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Lass- the simple truth is that your husband was not a puppy that you let run out in the street, or a child who drowned while you were watching the soaps...

he was a grown man, more than that, he was obviously one of the old school of motorcyclists- the 'don't tell me what to do' honest and independant (and gruffly affectionate- it's one of the things that I always loved about the old bikers- they were the only men besides my father I ever saw really laugh, and really cry over things)

and I think you have a wisdom that your inlaws really need to share... if YOU feel guilty for not standing between your husband and the crash...

can you think of anything more horrible that waking up in the morning on the wrong end of a drinking bout, to find out that the last message you left on your buddy's voice mail was that selfishand angry...and he was already gone?

there is nothing that your inlaws can to to this cat that could possibly match what he's got to be doing to himself...but they can be schmucks, and tip what is usually a fragile balance in men between greif and dispair, and as angry as they are (while I'm sure they're only seeing one small part of the larger relationship) I'm not entirely sure that they'd be any happier if this guy took their scorn to heart and drank himself to death...

so you have MY permission to smack them all and tell them that it's time to get their collective acts together- family and friend both.

and oh- you did no such thing as ruin a birthday party. especially not for the kids- they know, better than adults, how the heart works, and I'll bet he felt honoured that you attended. it's not like you were chasing people, wailing like a banshee.

tears are a symbol of our love and honour, more than they are a sign of our 'weakness' and don't you ever forget it.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2005 at 9:35AM
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"why was he driving so fast on that bike and why did he get on it while he was drinking"

It was BECAUSE he was drinking ... the first thing to go when you start drinking if your judgement.

But PLEASE get counseling, if not for you, then for your kids.

"im sure they will tell me the same thing everyone else tells me" Whatever everyone else may be telling you, a well-trained counselor will help you figure out what to tell yourself so you can get up in the norming.

    Bookmark   September 28, 2005 at 10:10PM
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Sorry for chiming in so late. I just haven't been online in quite awhile. Chinacat is full of wisdom. Print out her comments and post them on the fridge. I am so sorry for your loss, I cannot imagine what you are going through. YOU need all the support and help you can get so take it every chance you get. But having your son stay with his uncle, that sent red flags up for me. HE NEEDS YOU! and YOU NEED HIM! Get through this together, one day and one hour at a time. Focus on your feelings and his feelings. It is not your job to worry about the inlaws, friends or extended family. Just be with the ones who help you to cope and give yourself time to just be. What a special family you were when he was with you, please continue to have a special family in honor of him. Stay close to that little boy. Hugs to you. Joanie

    Bookmark   September 29, 2005 at 2:53PM
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You've been in my thoughts. I think what Joanie said is true. Keep your son with you. I feel that it may seem like the easiest thing to do now but in the future it won't be. I've seen the effects of a child being away from his mother and it is not in the childs best interest.

    Bookmark   September 30, 2005 at 9:21AM
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Hello everyone. It is 12:20 oct 8th. Today is my husbands birthday.Its really wierd.By this time usually I have woke him up and given him his cupcake with a candle on it.I always had to be the first one to say happy birthday.I still said happybirthday but this year with no cupcake.I can tell today is going to be a real hard day. I have alot of things planned. I have 30 baloons that I am taking to the cemetery today 29 for his age and 1 for good luck like always.I am going to give everyone a baloon who goes out there and tell them to make a wish for my husband, I also have a cake to take there.The cemetery finally got the headstone out there just in time for his b-day its so beautiful.I have all my angels and my virgin mary to decorate it with. my crosses that I put on the highway kept falling over with the wind so I put cement so they wont fall again, I have to go put them out tomarrow also.I am trying to keep myself busy so I wont cry in bed all day. I need to make this day special for him. I also need to be ok for his brother they are twins so I know today is going to be real hard on him maybe even harder then me. 28 birthdays together then all of a sudden hes all alone so im going to try to make him happy today.I hope it just all goes well, I know his best friend is going to go and his family are all going also. I just hope they will all realize my husband loved them all.And its his day so they just better be nice. So if you all would like to say a prayer or make a wish for my husband today i would appreciate it. thank you... tracy

    Bookmark   October 8, 2005 at 2:38AM
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Tracy, good for you. You made the best of this very difficult day. Your husband would be proud of your strength. The balloon idea was wonderful, and I'm glad the cemetery got the headstone in place in time. Take care.


    Bookmark   October 8, 2005 at 10:40PM
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Tracy, I hope everything went well on your husbands birthday. I think of you often and am pleased to hear your keeping busy. Your on the right path I just know it.

    Bookmark   October 12, 2005 at 3:55PM
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