Inconsolable....

Lioness2August 3, 2012

My Mom just passed recently. For the last 12 years, I have overseen her healthcare directly, while living in the same city, and after I transferred away through work. For the majority of this year she was hospitalized back and forth into ICU, with complications fromPneumonia and congestive heart failure. I traveled home more times than I can remember to sit with her, talk, keep the Doctor's abreast of changes needed, and oversaw her home healthcare. And I'd been to see her and spend the weekend with her on one recent weekend, and the next weekend, she was gone. My visions of last seeing her were of her fighting in a morphine-induced sleep ...white-knuckled-and-gritting-her-teeth-fighting. And then, she's gone. I am racked with guilt because I was not there to see her 'go'...but more than that, because i feel like she may have felt lost ... that there was no family there when she left this world. I can't seem to reconcile this, and though I have no power over the past or situation, it just pains me more and more through my grieving. Any advice?

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lovingmemory

When my grandmother was dying my family went through something similar. She too was in a morphine induced sleep and had a day, two at the most left. everyone had gone home to shower, change, refuel and only my Mom and my brother were at the hospital. They took a walk around the floor just to clear their heads and when they got back they both were on the side of her, holding her hands. She took her last breath with the two of them by her side and I truly believe it's because she knew that they both had to be there. My point with all of this is that I think those that are dying know when it's time to let go and that for whatever reason, she felt it best to go the way she did on her own terms. My grandmother's doctors said that often times someone that is dying doesn't want to be crowded by family and that more often than not they leave when the time is right. Please don't feel guilty - your mom was obviously very loved and knew it. We have no control over when those we love leave us.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2012 at 1:22PM
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quasifish

Lioness, I am so sorry about your loss and the guilt you may be feeling.

My grandmother passed away this past March. She died rather suddenly, but not unexpectedly- she had an inoperable aneurism that was a time bomb, and it ended up leaking slowly, which prolonged her death over the course of about half a day. The closest family was half the US away, so the ones who could be contacted were able to talk to her, and the others were not. Nobody in the family was able to be there with her at the end, which breaks my heart, though I do not know what she would have wanted.

My consolation has been that she had a wonderful nurse who was at the medical center that day when she was brought in. Knowing that someone so kind and loving (of someone she did not even know personally) has been my consolation. This woman held her hand and made sure she was comfortable.

The people who provided hospice for my other 2 grandparents [who also passed relatively recently] were much the same- very caring and personal. I'd be willing to guess that your mother's caregivers were much the same caliber. You may not have been able to be there, but there was probably someone there, making sure that her passing was as peaceful as possible. I hope that maybe gives you a thread of comfort. (((HUGS)))

    Bookmark   August 10, 2012 at 2:16PM
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