My Dad passed away

candy21August 30, 2005

My Dad passed away in dec/04 and I still cry daily as I miss him dearly. I feel all alone like the only person who truly loved me is gone and lost forever. Makes me feel so empty sometimes, so lost, so sad. I feel like I am turning around and around in circles. Everything and everyone reminds me of Dad, what do I do. Where do I put these feelings I have, where will my love for my Dad go now? It seems my feelings are lost in my heart and don't know where to go. I wear his chain around my neck so I can grasp it when I need to feel him close to me. I wish I could tell Dad one more time how much I miss him and wish he was here. He was my best friend. I don't understand what life is all about when you have to lose the ones you love the most. It is such a waste. Dad's stories are gone forever but I still his his voice. It seems that nobody understands. A friend of mine asked the other day how I was doing, in the same breath she said it must being getting better. It is not better it is just different. All my lost feelings are consuming my body and mind. I think that if I stop thinking about Dad all the time that I will forget what he looked like, the sound of his voice, the way he smelled. My tears are falling but don't know where to go. I have been my Daddies little girl all my life, I feel so lonely. I can't pick up the phone to hear his voice on the other end and it just kills me. I miss him so much.

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I'm so sorry. I truly understand your pain. I lost my brother in May.

You will never forget your Dad. He's in your heart forever. His stories will be there too.

The hurt never really goes away, it just goes to sleep and occassionally wakes up. The trick is in remembering, but not waking up the pain--let it sleep.

Keep Well,

    Bookmark   August 30, 2005 at 11:46PM
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I'm so sorry about your loss. I too lost my precious Dad last August. I am the youngest and was Daddy's little girl. I too, miss him terribly and can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without him and my Mom. I lost my Mom this past March 31st. I really like what Cynthia said about remembering but not waking up the pain. It seems like when I wake up my pain, I just can't function. It affects my whole day and life. They wouldn't want me to live this way and I know your Dad wouldn't want you to be miserable. You will NEVER forget him. He will always be near you. Do not allow yourself to be miserable to remember. Write back and let us know more about him and how he passed on.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2005 at 9:37AM
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My mom just passed away on Aug. 12. She died of complications of a stroke she had in June. I know just how you are feeling. Everything you do and hear reminds you of your parent. I have also said, "how am I going to live the rest of my life without her", many many times. I moved 6 hours away from her about 9 years ago, and she remained my best friend. I talked to her about everyday. I can't believe all the things that we are missing together. My son's first day of 1st grade, my daughters first day of preschool. Everytime you go to the store, you feel like, if they only knew the pain you had.
I cry every day. I am afraid to talk to people near me, for fear they don't want to hear it. I understand your pain.
My dad is also ill, and I may lose him soon, too. I am trying to come to grips with this fast, so if and when it happens, I don't have a complete nervous breakdown.
I hope you find peace, and can remember the great times you had as a family. I started a journal, to start writing my feelings, and remember things we used to do, and to write things my kids are doing. It seems to help a little. But I have found it also helps to talk to people who know your pain.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2005 at 12:32PM
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Candy, reading your post resurfaced many of my feelings as I grieve for the loss of my precious 19 year old daughter and my precious mom, who were both my best friends.
It's a loss that will be carried in my heart forever, but the love that I have for both of them and that I know they had for me will remain safe in my heart forever. I feel their spirit with me, especially when I am in most need of them. I am a Christian and believe that I will be reunited with them one day. If you are a Christian, let that thought be your life line. That thought and the love that I recieve from my husband and the rest of my family is what keeps me going each day. If I couldn't rely on that, I don't know where I'd be right now.
I'm so sorry for all of the losses that each of you are grieving for. I know the pain and confused feelings associated with grief. They will ease in time, but the love remains.
We do care and understand at this forum. Please feel free to post whatever you are feeling. There are many issues related to grief and some are very difficult and confusing as I know most of you have experienced.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   September 3, 2005 at 11:30AM
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oh, lass-

I am there with you. I had months and months to brace myself, and people around me who love me, and adored my father...

and there was still nothing I could do in the end except to keep one last promise- to take the tubes and the machines away, and not to leave him alone.

daddy's girl- oh, yes, from day one. unrepentant about it, too. you didn't just come home to meet my dad- you came home to be tested, because if you couldn't hang with Poppa, you weren't hip enough for me.

everything beautiful and meaningful in my life reflects my relationship with him-

and that's what keeps me going. that's what wrote the eulogy that shut my louse of a brother up, and made people smile through their tears. that's what made cleaning out his room, and gathering up all the bits and pieces an honour, not a nightmare.

the rest of my life is a tribute to how he raised me- and a test of how well I learned those lessons. Can I keep the poor old car running? can I remember to put up the storm windows? can I bear to waste the hour driving down to annoying old Aunt B's place to bring her to thanksgiving dinner? can I be indulgent with my husband (who me dad treasured) when he's feeling artsy, and I'm feeling like the house needs cleaning?

helping my mom turn all the clippings (Aunt Ray, psychian and Suffragette, Uncle Al's gallery opening, Dad's first job, first public commission, the announcement when he got made shop steward for the state's workers) in to scrap book pages helps us both- gives us THINGS to talk about, individual memories to remember...

and whoo boy, am I taking notes :)

but the most satisfying thing of all for me has been hunting down his friends, and sticking a recorder in their faces- the pouring us both drinks, and hiding the recorder so they can talk freely about their teacher, their boss, or just that quirky old cat with the exotic cars and the 7-year old navigator...

the japanese have a word that I love - Kami. the protective spirit of departed ancestors. their dead are not locked away in some warehouse waiting for redemption, or rapture, or the end of the story- they're right here, looking over our shoulder, leaving small coins and flashes of light for us, so that we understand we are only as alone as we force ourselves to me.

I miss my father's hands, and his voice (oh, his voice) and his shaggy eyebrows...but my father was more than the sum of his parts, and it was his spirit that I loved most of all.

it doesn't get better unless we make it better- but we CAN make it better. I don't nesecarrily WANT to spend hours mucking out the attic- but I didn't want to spend hours practicing my piano, or sitting in classrooms listening to teachers tell the same old stories year after year and never learning anything new...

and heck, I never did grow up to be a decent pianist, not like the rest of the players in the family- but I did develop an ear for music- so I suppose even the bad times were worth it, eh?

    Bookmark   September 6, 2005 at 2:49PM
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I don't get to go on the internet too very ofter but am glad I found this sight. I have been trying to remember the good things without waking up the pain. It has been very difficult but I think it has worked a few times. I feel very guilty about not having been there his very last breath and see him there waiting to die. My Dad had an abdominal aortic aneurism. Last August he had a GI bleed. The doctors told him it was a small one but the next one was going to kill him and he didn't have long to live. My Dad wanted to go home and get his affairs ready and I hired someone to come in and help him as he had numerous medications to take and he was getting weaker because of the blood he lost. My Dad and I lived in separate cities and I have 3 smal kids at home. This one particular night I called him and asked him what he was doing and he said, "I just had Mr.? over from the funeral home and I picked out my coffin and arranged the music and the legionaire tribute and so on." I was mortified. My Dad was a strong man, he just wanted to die at home and when that happened he didn't want anything to fall in my hands to arrange. For the next few months I watched him die as he got more and more weak. He hated taking the pills so we decided if he just wanted to take his pain pills just to keep him comfortable that was all he had to take. The first of November I had to go to Toronto on business, I was in a meeting when my phone rang it was my Dad. He told me that he called the ambulance because he was vomiting blood andhe figured his time was up so he said he called to tell me he loved me and that I was his favorite and that he was very proud of me. I told him I was on the next flight out and he said he would try and hold on to see me one more time. I made it home to find him back home and drinking his cup of tea in his favorite chair. You see they did not have a bed for him and sent him home. Dad was on a waiting list to get into Paliative Care at the hospital. Dad was a veteran so it didn't take long once Dad had come to the conclusion that he would get better care there. From mid November to December when he passed away I had rec'd 9 calls that this was it and I better get to the hospital. Each time I would get there he would be sitting up talking or sleeping. The last week I was there Saturday night and we had spent time with Dad in the TV room and he said that my little brother was going to bring in Dad's dog the next day. We had a good visit. Sunday my little brother sat with Dad. Monday my Mom and my sister (no longer married to him and my sister was not his) went to see him and they said he had ate some fried chicken and had a great day up talking and making fun. Monday night I spoke to him on the phone and he said he had a good day and he loved me very much. I wasn't able to go down on Monday as my husband's grandmother had died over the weekend and we went to her funeral. Tuesday morning I got the call, I rushed down to see my Dad looking like death was on it's way. My step Mom had passed away in 2002 and she had the same look before she passed away. When I got to the hospital my 2 brothers had already got there. They said he had been out of it and was not responding to anything. I went in and sat down beside him and cried like a baby while I was holding his hand. He squeezed my hand a a couple tears rolled down his cheek, he knew I was there. I stayed all week in his room until Saturday, it was my daughter's birthday I had to go home I hadn't seen my kids all week. At 2:00am on Sunday I called and asked if my Dad was OK and they said he was the same and I told her to tell him I would be there first thing in the morning and to tell him I loved him. At 5:15am I got the call that my Dad had took his last breath. I hate to hear the phone ring in the middle of the night. I honestly think he waited until I was gone to die because he didn't want me seeing him like that. I now have a very big guilt that I was not there for him but am trying to put that feeling away I was there when he needed me most. He did not die alone though one of the nurses there was the daughter of a real good friend of my Dad's and she was there when he passed away. I went to my Dad's house after the funeral with my brothers and we packed up a lot of my Dad's things. I brought home his PJ's and his robe. After the funeral I felt so helpless, no more travelling to see Dad no more long distance phone calls, no more Dad. I was having a hard time sleeping, each night at 2am I would wake up and could not go back to sleep I was having a hard time breathing when I layed down so I had to get up. 2:00 was the time my Dad's funeral was. I was having anxiety attacks. Christmas Eve I was still having a hard time sleeping it was nearly 2 weeks since he passed away. I was up again at 2 so I got up and went down stairs and cried non stop. The kids got up at 8am it seemed like forever. My girls are so great and if it were not for them I think I would have probably curled up and died. The was a gift underneath the tree from my Dad, he had given it to me in November and I had forgotten all about it. When my youngest daughter found it with my name on it she passed it to me ever so gently as if it were a rare diamond. I always looked forward to opening my Dad's gifts because they were always so off the wall. This year it was a father and daughter figurine, it made me cry and my girls hugged me so hard. Over the years my Dad got me a meat slicer, a vacuum sealer, a set of wind chimes that were so loud that I remember one night going downstairs outside and throwing them on the ground. I loved his gifts because they were gifts that you would never go out and buy yourself. I would give anything to see his old hen scratching on a gift or card. The year I turned 40 and I didn't receive any flowers from my Dad the first in I don't know how many years. Anyways Christmas night I landed in the hospital the doctors gave me all the usual tests and couldn't find a reason for my shortness of breath and my chest pains. She asked me if I had a family history of heart problems and that is when I broke down in tears and could not stop crying she didn't know what to think until I told her about my Dad. She said that grief can do a lot of weird things to your body and mind. She told me nothing was physically wrong with me and gave me some anti depressants. I did not take them when I found out there was nothing physically wrong with me. That night I slept past 2am I awoke at 4:30am I was so excited that I broke the pattern. I suppose I have said enough tonight, thanksd for all your words of wisdom and thanks for letting me ramble. Take care to all and God bless.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2005 at 10:36PM
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Candy, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad four years ago in May and I miss him everyday of my life. The dr. that told you that grief can do a lot of weird things hit the nail on the head. When my MIL passed away, my DH finally had to go to the dr. He had been having horrible chest pains and was convinced that he was having heart problems. They ran all kinds of tests, etc. When he told them what had happened with his Mom they told him he had the kind of heart problem that they couldn't fix.


    Bookmark   September 12, 2005 at 3:11AM
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I really feel a connection with you candy, My Dad passed away just over a month ago it's been the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I too have always been daddy's little girl and it's hard not having him here anymore. I still think about him like he's here even though I know he's not. I know what you mean about those late night calls, they are the scariest. Thats how it felt when my phone rang at 10:30pm that Saturday night my Fathere was always in bed by 9:00pm. I knew it wasn't good before I even answered. I was bored that night so I was in the bathroom srubbing the tub and sink, my husband was on the computer, the phone beeped and he said it was my Dad, all I could think was why would he be calling this late, when I answered it was a womans voice all she had to say was Jenny...... and I just started screaming, nothing else that was it I knew it. I'll never forget that night and nothing will ever erase the picture of my Dad in my head. He was my rock, he was always there with the perfect things to say when I needed him. Just be glad that you knew you dad was sick and that you were able to spend time with him before he passed. My fathers death was so unexpected, I only wish I could have spent one more day with just him and my daughter, he loved her so much. And just let him know how much I loved him. These are a few songs if you want to take the time to maybe download or just check them out, I listen to them and know that my dad is in THE BEST PLACE: Monk and Neagle-Dancing with the Angels, Jars of Clay-I'll Fly Away (there are also many other people who sing the same version, I like this one), The Crabb Family-Victory in Jesus, and the last one I break down everytime because they played it at his funeral in a picture slide of him is Mercy Me-I can Only Imagine. MY heart is with you as we share so much. God Bless you, Jenny

    Bookmark   October 5, 2005 at 6:56AM
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Dearest Candy,
My heart is aching with you,As I lost my Brother to a car accident in march 2004 and My Dad of colon cancer in June 2004.They both were everything to me ,But my Dad well lets say I can't seem to get over it.I know exactly how you feel...they say it gets easier but i shur haven't found it yet,I do know that he is in agood place and there is no more pain and remember ,everytime you dream of him that is a visit ,cherish them.
My thoughts are with you God bless, Kelly

    Bookmark   October 14, 2005 at 9:38AM
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My dad just passed away easter morning and if anyone thats been through it can please talk to me i'd really appreciate it cause right now im off and on crying having bad dreams that hes still alive and hes not, and i keep feeling very weird and feeling like hes just somewhere out there about to call sometime def. hasn't hit me i know in my head hes passed away but for some reason my brain isnt seeing it that way idk how to explain it...i wish i knew he was gonna pass away so i coulda said dont go hang on! :'(

    Bookmark   May 5, 2011 at 11:12PM
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Im 47 yrs old and my Dad passed away Feb 2009. Fathers day is the hardest for me. Ive lived with him all my life he built an apt. above his house on the water for my daughter and I in 1989. She has Cystic Fibrosis and he said he would always take care of us. He had ALZHEIMERS and in Nov, 08 we found out my daughter needed a double lung transplant and he said can we buy them by the set well get 2 sets. My daughter is 25 and they were in the hospital the same time. She was very ill took her 9 months to get on list when he passed . HE WAS just gone 2 yrs in feb. I miss him so much just for him to say with my daughter it will be alright made me feel better. She is going back on the list next monday and I moved down to his place and my daughter and her boyfriend live in the apt. I cant stand it down here . Cant sleep in bed the whole place just depressed me. I just lost 2 of my best friends 5 months and one day apt and they were my rock. We all lost our dads a year apt and have been friends for 34 yrs. Now Im lost without them. Happy fathers day Daddy always in my heart

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 4:27AM
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Happy Father's Day Daddy.

Hope all the Daddy's were celebrated on their special day in Heaven today!

You are still in my Heart...miss you.

Big Hugs to All who are Missing their Daddy's Today.

Happy Father's Day to All the Heavenly Daddies.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2011 at 11:39PM
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Happy father's day Papa.I miss u alot.
ik ah bari hogi
hamne na suni hogi
jate jate tumne
awaj to di hogi
har waqt yahi hai gum
uss waqt kaha the hum
jha tum chale gaye


    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 5:54AM
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hello, im new to this site but after reading evryone stories i knew i had to join. all of you are so strong and never let anyone tell you you are in a certain stage of the grieving process er any bull crap like that, evryone is different and will handle things in their own way. all you can do is handle things day by day, you all are right it NEVER gets easier. it will always be the same aching pain you feel but the difference is time. you learn how to deal with the feelings.

i am 19 years old, and my dad passed away 4 years ago today when i was 15 from liver cancer. ive never been closer to anyone other than him and i hate thinking i have so many years ahead of me that i wont get to spend with him. i miss him so much evryday and i would give anything to see him again. i dont live around any of my other family members, and since i was so young when i passed none of my friends knew him so when i try and talk about him i dont feel comfortable. i feel bad bringing him up to ppl that kno he's passed, i can tell it makes them feel awkward and they dont kno wat to say, i cant expect anyone to kno.

you all are very beautiful, strong people, and we all will persevere. i can only hope that posting something about your loved ones has helped even if its a little.

even if no one reads what i wrote, i hope my dad does.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2011 at 11:25PM
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