Lost my mother suddenly, tragically and too soon. :-(
On August 17th my Mother was killed and it was devastating to say the very least. She was trying to cross a railroad crossing by foot and was hit by an Amtrak traveling 70 mph.
I cannot make since of this accident.
I want answers but none of them will bring her back, so why do I even bother?
I'm starting some grief counseling this Saturday because I am finding it more and more difficult to go about my day, to be a mother to my three children.
My mother was only 54 years old. I am 32. My kids are 2, 3 1/2 and 15. The 15 year old is technically my nephew, but I got custody of him 10 years ago. So he's mine.
It's a loooooong and complicated story starting with my Mother being a drug addict and me leaving home at 15, then the custody battle when I was 23.
To sum up, my mother and I did have a relationship and were deeply in love with one another, but there was a lot of unnecessary distance over the years due to the custody situation with my oldest. I had some terms set up, such as she had to be straight during visits....and, now that she was ripped away from me, I just want to go back and have one more visit.
The guilt hit me hard. I cannot focus on anything else but her death. It's the last thing I think about before falling asleep, the first thing I think about when I wake up and pretty much all day long besides an occasional distraction.
I miss her so much. She had her problems, but she was an amazing person and very valuable to me. She turned to drugs when her daughter died, when I was three years old. She had a newborn who was 3 months premature and only lived 13 days. The doctor gave her nerve pills to help her sleep and it just got worse and worse and worse. Her own mother died when she was 17 years old, just after she had given birth to my older sister (the drug addict). And her father (my grandfather) molested my mother and her two sisters when they were girls.
She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain.
My little ones are always asking me to stop crying. I tried to get back into my routine by going to the gym and I ran out crying. I cry in my car. A good day is one in which there are fewer tears, but there are still no smiles. Will I smile again? I know life will never be the same, but I was so happy before and I don't want my kids to get short-changed, I don't want my pain to become theirs.
Today makes 10 days since she was killed. I don't know what to do. Do I try to live life as usual or do I just stop doing everything and let the pain run me over...?? Looking forward to counseling this Saturday.
Hugs to everyone who has lost someone dear to them, it's the worst kind of pain there is.