Lost my mother suddenly, tragically and too soon. :-(

katsdaughterAugust 27, 2009

On August 17th my Mother was killed and it was devastating to say the very least. She was trying to cross a railroad crossing by foot and was hit by an Amtrak traveling 70 mph.

I cannot make since of this accident.

I want answers but none of them will bring her back, so why do I even bother?

I'm starting some grief counseling this Saturday because I am finding it more and more difficult to go about my day, to be a mother to my three children.

My mother was only 54 years old. I am 32. My kids are 2, 3 1/2 and 15. The 15 year old is technically my nephew, but I got custody of him 10 years ago. So he's mine.

It's a loooooong and complicated story starting with my Mother being a drug addict and me leaving home at 15, then the custody battle when I was 23.

To sum up, my mother and I did have a relationship and were deeply in love with one another, but there was a lot of unnecessary distance over the years due to the custody situation with my oldest. I had some terms set up, such as she had to be straight during visits....and, now that she was ripped away from me, I just want to go back and have one more visit.

The guilt hit me hard. I cannot focus on anything else but her death. It's the last thing I think about before falling asleep, the first thing I think about when I wake up and pretty much all day long besides an occasional distraction.

I miss her so much. She had her problems, but she was an amazing person and very valuable to me. She turned to drugs when her daughter died, when I was three years old. She had a newborn who was 3 months premature and only lived 13 days. The doctor gave her nerve pills to help her sleep and it just got worse and worse and worse. Her own mother died when she was 17 years old, just after she had given birth to my older sister (the drug addict). And her father (my grandfather) molested my mother and her two sisters when they were girls.

She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain.

My little ones are always asking me to stop crying. I tried to get back into my routine by going to the gym and I ran out crying. I cry in my car. A good day is one in which there are fewer tears, but there are still no smiles. Will I smile again? I know life will never be the same, but I was so happy before and I don't want my kids to get short-changed, I don't want my pain to become theirs.

Today makes 10 days since she was killed. I don't know what to do. Do I try to live life as usual or do I just stop doing everything and let the pain run me over...?? Looking forward to counseling this Saturday.

Hugs to everyone who has lost someone dear to them, it's the worst kind of pain there is.

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katyroadpink

I don't have any answers but you have my heartfelt sympathy. I think losing someone so unexpectedly, when you think you'll have them for years, is doubly painful. I hope things get easier for you with each day.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2009 at 8:10PM
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katsdaughter

Thank you so much. I found a book last night titled, Motherless Daughters, and it is helping me. Apparently I am now a member of a really sad club. Today was actually an okay day (considering) and that gives me hope. My husband was off of work and I don't have the patience right now when my terrible two yr. old and my toddler start fighting over stuff, so he is picking up the slack.

    Bookmark   August 28, 2009 at 10:30PM
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socal2010

I lost my Mom suddenly 6 weeks ago due to health issues, so I understand part of what you're feeling. It's hard dealing with unexpected deaths or tragic accidents. From what I've learned in the grief group I attend, you have to let yourself feel the pain or it will come back later in a worse way. So I kind of think it's too soon for you to go back to your normal routine, although I would never give anyone advice since this is all so very individual.

This sentence you wrote struck me...."She was dealt a really bad hand in life and coped the best she could, she was the best Mom she could possibly be giving the pain she was exposed to and the subsequent decisions she made to deal with that pain."......I think it's very healthy that you acknowledge the cards your Mom was dealt and give her credit for coping the best she could, yet you also know that she made decisions in the way she coped too. This is a healthy way to look at it.

It sounds like you were very close and I know how hard it is to lose a Mom you are close to. I hope you can find some joy and strength with your husband and kids.

    Bookmark   August 30, 2009 at 1:33AM
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lynn_d

Katsdaughter, I am so very sorry that your heart is so heavy and so sad. I know how you feel, I love my mom very suddenly on July 31 and my heart is broken.

Bless your heart, I hope that you find peace and strength.

    Bookmark   August 31, 2009 at 3:42PM
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mariend

One thing I try to remember with my Mom is she did the best she thought she could to raise myself and my brother. I won't go into anything, no violence, etc but just complete lack of teaching us anything, allowing us to do what we wanted to do, never taught me how to cook, sew etc. My grandparents were wonderful and I begged to live with them How do you show love, when non is shown you.
I would suggest both grief counseling for you and your family. Even the children will benefit because they will understand why you cry so much. Could it be from a little guilt--if I only??? You could start a daily journal--good and bad, even it is only one thought a day. Are their other relatives you could talk to? Are their other support groups? Someone who you could call and say--I am having a real bad time?
Sending hugs for you and your family

    Bookmark   August 31, 2009 at 5:36PM
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katsdaughter

Yesterday was an okay day. Today was not so okay. When I was alone in my car I cried to her. 16 days, seems like yesterday...I know in 20 years I'll be feeling the same way.

    Bookmark   September 2, 2009 at 7:37PM
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lynn_d

That's a way of life for me too, Katsdaughter....it seems that it is those unexpected things that bring me crashing down. I opened the fridge and there was a pound of butter (the only reason I keep butter is for when she came for dinner) or spying a sweater that I know she would love, or the smell of sauerkraut. Today is a bad day, tomorrow may be better.

    Bookmark   September 3, 2009 at 2:13PM
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kms4me

Katsdaughter,

The best thing you can do is what you HAVE been doing, and that is to break that terrible chain. You feel pain and empathy for your mom and grandmother, but you are raising your kids (bless you for the nephew who has become your own, he is a very lucky child, as you are to have him) in a way that your mother and grandma were not able to do.

Even those of us without the severe issues you had with your mom have regrets, second thoughts, etc, when a parent passes. For you to have risen above it, well, even though you aren't my daughter, I would be proud of you, and I know your mother and grandma would be too.

Grief doesn't have a timetable or an expiration date. Though your kids are distressed over your sadness, there is grief counseling (even our humble souls on the internet), that you can cry to, pound tables over, share sad stories with, maybe even some happy ones.

You cared about her and loved her deeply. You accepted her mistakes, her problems, and still loved her intensely. You were and are a very good daughter.

Kate

    Bookmark   September 4, 2009 at 1:56AM
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