Loss of Adult Son

sewluv2August 6, 2004

Lost adult son one day into his thirtieth year this May. I still feel like I'm in this bad dream and when I awaken things will be okay. Never, in a million years did I believe I'd be walking in these shoes. Our lives are devastated, dreams shattered. Never again to hear his voice, see his face or touch him. Life is so brief. How do you carry on??

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I really do not know, except to get up each day "and do the next thing" and then the next, and the next. No matter how small. Each little task takes you one step further. Even if all you do is dress, and do each mundane thing.
I feel badly for you. Welcome to the forum. Each of us knows the feelings too well. Derry

    Bookmark   August 6, 2004 at 6:10PM
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Its been 31/2 yrs since my daughter left us at 34yrs. I still have that unreal feeling. A good support system really helps. At first I let the anger come out on my poor husband, now though I couldn't appreciate him more. The 1st two yrs are really tough. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

    Bookmark   August 6, 2004 at 7:48PM
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Nell Jean

There are a number of us here who lost an adult child. My son died a year ago in a traffic accident in Alabama. It gets different after a while. His name is not the first thought I have when I awake; now it's a few minutes later.

There are loose ends to tie up that take a long time. I'll never again be the person I was before. Time passes. Scars form. They get picked open. You keep going. There's lots of anger and energy flying around that's hard to use constructively. Some people join a group; I haven't. I do work in a supportive environment. You keep going. Sometimes you have to take some time off, but you keep going.

I once received a card from a cousin whose son had died several years before of cancer. She ended with, "We miss him So." I know now what she meant. I made a memorial web site. I think the term for it is 'busy work' but it fills a void. It isn't inspiring, it's just a few photos that I like. You're welcome to visit.


Here is a link that might be useful: Gary's Site

    Bookmark   August 6, 2004 at 9:24PM
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I'm so very sorry about the loss of your son. It doesn't matter how old our children are when we lose them, they are still our babies. It hurts and we miss them forever.
We lost our precious 19 year old, Christin, 6 years ago. Sometimes it is still hard to believe that this nightmare has really happened. It's a nightmare that has not ended. It's a nightmare that I feel when I am awake and have solace in sleep.
It does get different and less intense. As much as we don't want it to happen, the memories get faded, the intense pain is not there every second, but does still come in waves at times.
I have made sure that I have people in my life that have experienced losing a child. Those are the ones who I feel a bond with. Those are the ones who know the pain.
In addition to having close friends who don't mind me talking about Christin when I want to, I have read many books on the afterlife, Christian books, after death communication books, I try to concentrate on the people that are still here that I love, I try to spend my time doing constructive things, I have made sure that her memory will be kept alive by forming 2 scholarships at different universities, and we've had a web site made for her, and had various other things done to preserve her memory. Different people find comfort in different things. You have to do what you need to do to get any kind of comfort and strength to deal with this situation. Unfortunately, we have to deal with it every single and day and will have to until the moment we take our last breath and see them again. :-)
Please continue to come here and vent whatever feelings that you are having. We all know the pain of grief. Not all have lost children, but any loss of a loved one hurts and it is still grief and many of the feelings are the same.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

1 Like    Bookmark   August 6, 2004 at 10:47PM
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Glad to see you here. I remember that feeling of horrible astonishment--I lost one of my children!--now three years later. But it's not gone completely...every so often I'm hit with it, but not constantly like I was at first.

I can't add to the wisdom the others shared, except to say when you can't imagine where to go or what to do, one foot in front of the other is a good plan. Reading helps.


1 Like    Bookmark   August 7, 2004 at 2:48PM
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i am sorry for the loss of your son....i think that no matter what age a child is when they are taken from you the grief hurts just as bad....i hope you will find some comfort here ...these are a wonderful group of people here who will share alot of their experiences with you regarding that ugly word ...GRIEF.....there is nothing that you could say regarding your feelings that you are going thru that are too outrageous so let your feelings flow...you will find that those of us who are past our 1st year of losing someone have survived...altho alot of us would rather not...i have heard it somewhere the felling of losing a child expressed as"how does anyone hurt this bad and live"....like lu said everything that you do to memorialize your son will help in the healing process...please share with us anything that you feel comfortable with sharing...we will understand...i know i would not have survived without this groups support

1 Like    Bookmark   August 7, 2004 at 3:19PM
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Thanks to all for responding to my post. I, too, read books on near death experiences and life after death hoping to reaffirm my former beliefs that there is an afterlife. Have any of you ever experienced contact with the other side ie: apparitions, unusual sounds, dreams etc.? I so desperately want something to happen so I can continue to believe.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2004 at 9:25PM
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Nell Jean

All my experiences can be explained as 'coincidences' but they are personal to me and I find comfort in the smallest things.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2004 at 10:49PM
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I've had a multitude of dreams and other signs, some of which I've talked about here. Other members have talked about theirs, too.

Here's a link to a thread in which I posted links to numerous other posts about our "signs." I think you'll find them comforting.

Click here


    Bookmark   August 10, 2004 at 8:21AM
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I just lost my adult son (42 years old) on November 15, 2007. I am still confused and bewildered and the funeral and wake seem like a bad dream. My family is pushing me to celebrate Thanksgiving today at my daughter-in-law's sister's house, but I am going with a heavy heart. He was sick a long time, but no matter how much I knew he was dying, it was a horrible shock. I want more time - I can't accept it's over.

    Bookmark   November 22, 2007 at 2:31PM
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For Rosie65

I am in the same situation as you, with the same kind of family pressures to celebrate holidays as they come along, and be bright and cheery. My son Will had been ill for a long time, and even though I knew he could not survive this final illness, when he died I still could not accept it. My life partner had died two days before after a year's illness from cancer, so the one person I could have shared my grief with I was also grieving for. Sometimes the pain is more than I think I can bear, but somehow we survive this, and it really will ease in time I am told, but it takes quite a while. It will never really go away: it simply won't be as painful.
I, like you, couldn't accept it is over, but I'm beginning to recognize that it really is true. It only makes me cry more right now. I think of the wonderful times from his early youth and adulthood, and cherish those memories. That is a gift, even though it's painful right now.

Cry, scream, grieve in the way you need to. I hope you are in a situation where you can do this without other people observing you. In our western culture, we are poor at dealing with those who are grieving. Most people are embarrassed by the open expressions of grief. Stiff upper lip and all that. I hate it.

Know that many of us share your pain.

All best - Elsie

    Bookmark   February 22, 2008 at 3:22PM
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It will be 3 months on march 10th and my son was 25yrs old. I know its hard not hearing his voice. But, our sons would want us to get up every morning and go on. Stay busy ! They wouldnt want us mourning over the loss of them. Remember the good times with him. Just remember You will FOREVER have memories of him....you will FOREVER love him...you will FOREVER miss him. God has a job for him and thats why he had to go home to him. I have a poem for you ....I have it in a picture frame on my computer desk. God Bless

    Bookmark   February 29, 2008 at 7:37AM
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I lost my 30 year old son on july 4th. Its been 6 months. He was my sweet boy. I still cant believe its real.I still cry every day. I want to hold him and hug him and tell him every thing will be ok like I have been for years. I guess life was just to hard for him to go on. Now all i want to do is be with him again. The pain is not just emotional. It is physical as well. It is very hard to go on.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2011 at 12:43AM
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To everyone,
I am so sorry for your loss, no one should have to grieve for a child. I cannot imagine your pain.
Grieving pain is very physical. My DH has been in heaven for 4 years and there are still times when I feel physically ill when certain memories hit me, it probably always will.
God Bless and comfort everyone.

    Bookmark   January 24, 2011 at 6:16PM
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I am so very sorry for your loss. I just posted my story on the forum. We lost our grown son 21 months ago. The things that carry me through are the memories I have, the little things that remind me of him.

I've been living in the homebuilding & kitchen forums and I keep seeing door measurements of 6' 8". Our son was 6' 7" and I think, "Yep, he'd have to duck that door, too (like he did ours here). Just little things that remind me...it can be a 2-edged sword, bitterness & sweetness in one swift pull. But, at least I remember.

My main comfort is my Faith & the knowledge that I WILL see him again someday...the sting of death will forever be swallowed on that day. I ask myself, "Yeah, that's nice...but what about TODAY?" Try to remember something good to ponder on. Make a picture album and set it out. What helped me was to make a collage of my son's Bible & his big size 17 workboots along with a scripture and gave it to each of his 3 sisters.

Let us know how you are doing, ok? HUGS

    Bookmark   January 29, 2011 at 5:07PM
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Hello: For us it was the loss of our son Billy who crossed over to heaven on June 26 2004. I have read about others who have suffered the loss of their child and it doesn't matter what age they are when they go to heaven, it hurts greatly.I have also read about others talking about the afterlife and signs from their loved ones.
We have a website www.oursonbilly.com which anyone can visit read our complete story and view a few pages of the type of signs that we have and continue to receive from Billy.

God Bless

Here is a link that might be useful: oursonbilly

    Bookmark   February 20, 2011 at 4:17PM
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For us it was the lossof an adult son , 32 to a tragic accident July 13,2011. I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I have good days and bad days. I know that I am not alone, but it seems that I am. There is nothing like losing a son, your baby at that.

    Bookmark   March 31, 2011 at 9:35PM
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Our son was found dead in his bedroom on April 30, 2011. I cannot begin to explain the heart ache I feel. He had been through so much over the last 5 years, through 2 bouts with cancer. He was so handsome. He lost his house, his car and his friends to the long drawn out treatments of the cancer he had been through. He was just beginning to get his life back together. We know that on Tuesday before he was found dead on Saturday he accepted Jesus as his Savior. We have the blessed hope of seeing him agan. He sent me flowers for Mother's Day and I received them 1 week after he died, that was a blessing. However, I miss him so bad, we had lunch every Thursday. I have many good memories and many sad memories. I have a lot of support from my church family and friends. There are good days and there are days that are not so good.

    Bookmark   May 16, 2011 at 10:47AM
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My son was found dead the morning of May 3rd, 2011. He was 29 and the love of my life. I can't believe how much this hurts. It seems like my heart will never feel the same again. It amazes be how differently people grief. My son's dad has choice to handle this in a very negative way. I know that my son would not want this. We have been divorced for many years, but as parents, we had to deal with this together. I hate that he has made this harder on so many people. I have distant myself from him and have arrived back home with my son's ashes to mourn in my own time and way. I know that it will take time, but right now I can't see it ever getting easier.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2011 at 2:31PM
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I lost my 34 yr. old son on May 22, 2010....words cannot express my grief!!!!

    Bookmark   June 16, 2011 at 7:36PM
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(I will get on message) I don't really but do know how I ended up here, I lost my parent's not young but relatively, 33 when my dad died, 27 with my Mum, so my twin 6 years olds never met them, today they are obsessed with death and crying that they don't want mommy to get old and die, I tried to explain but it is pointless to a child and the awful moment I used my Grandad as an example of living, he is 92, and my Mums Dad, even a 6 year old says but that is "not fair" and I cried for my Grandad today, he arrived with me minutes after my mum died, he refused to see her body, he kept repeating, I saw her born, I should not see her dead, it's wrong, it should be me, that was 14 years ago, he still can't talk about it, it upset me at the time and I felt angry at him, but now I have children I understand. I hope this make some sence?

    Bookmark   June 20, 2011 at 8:24PM
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Seven months today since the loss of my 18 year old son who wopuld have been 19 May 13th. I am heart broken, devastated and I cry daily. I am surrounded by those that love me and that I love dearly but i am alone and prisoner in my own pain.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2011 at 11:37PM
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I lost my son in a drowning accident, he was 32 years old. This accident happened on April 10th. This was my youngest child. I hurt and cry everyday. I was hospitalized for 7 days after his death. Some days I feel like I can't go on. I started a journal shortly after his death so I could see if I progressed any. I am glad to read others stories, because I can relate. I think of him every minute of the day. I try to let my other children know that I love them. I don't want them to feel neglected. Thanks to everyone for their comments.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2011 at 10:41PM
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I lost my beloved son in a work accident on August 5 2008...Not a day goes by that I don't miss him and sometimes it seems my heart will break. Its coming on to 3 years and I still don't believe he's gone...I treasure each little memory we made together. Its hard because people are tired of this since their lives have moved on. My husband and mom died within 5 years of this loss and I feel totally alone. I'm 64 and can't find purpose in my life. I have two daughters that are married with children and very busy with their lives .... I'm glad for them but I need some passion in my life.....any comments are welcome.

    Bookmark   July 21, 2011 at 5:35PM
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We lost our son July 3, 2011. He was 33 years old, married with a 10 year old son of his own. I miss him so much every day. I am so afraid his son will forget him, I know he needs his Dad! Our son was my husband's best friend and I don't know what to do to make it better. Everything reminds me of him. I am glad I found this place. We have our faith, and I know I will be with my son again. But, I want him now!!

    Bookmark   August 8, 2011 at 2:07PM
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I can't do it. I just can't.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2011 at 11:54PM
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Hello Jill,
What is it you can't do??? Please tell us, maybe we can help.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2011 at 3:57PM
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It has been 5 weeks since my 30 year old son choked to death. He was so sick as a baby we were told by the doctors he wouldn't make it but we fought the hard fight and he lived. People tell me to be thankful for the time we had him, and I am but I want to talk to him, hug him, smell him. He was my friend as well as my son. We had a connection unlike most parents and children because we had been through so much. His childhood was so drastically different from most children of people I know. He was always in and out of the hospital, having surgery and on the edge of death. But he had been so healthy. Work was picking up for him, he was excited about the mall reopening after the flood and being able to get back to "cruising and talking to my friends" as he put it on the way home from work the night that he died. He did not drive so we took him to work every morning and picked him up every night. He took care of my parents. Not something that most 30 year olds choose to do. So you see he was a special person. And we saw him twice a day, everyday. The night he died he took one bite out of a hamburger and choked, I asked if he was ok and he nodded to me, I made him talk to me because if he could talk he could breathe and he had a swallowing problem so that was normal for me to do. I kissed him goodbye, told him I loved him, chew his food good and would see him the next morning. 10 minutes later I get a call saying he can't breathe. The paramedics worked on him for 40 minutes and couldn't ever get a heartbeat. At least half of them knew him personally so they tried so hard to make him live. The second bite of hamburger is what took his life, it got lodged and no one could get it out. He couldn't overcome it.
I have wailed until I cannot wail anymore, until my voice has literally gone. I cry every single day and when I feel like I have made a few steps forward, the next second I take more steps backward.
For the first 3 weeks or so I must have been in shock, I told myself it was going to be okay, there was a reason he was taken so soon, and that the person God put him here to encounter and impact was met on that fateful Monday and that is why he did not make it until Tuesday. Now I cannot find any sense in his death. Why can other people have their children and I can't have mine?
Surely I will get past this one way or another. I want to get back to work but as soon as I try, I feel as though I'm slogging through mud and can't make a complete sentence and can't comprehend what others are saying to me. How can I work when I can't function?
I've been trying to do what the experts say, exercise, cry when I need to cry, take as much time as I need for myself but I must be trying to rush it.
I need to hold my son, to laugh with him and talk about the upcoming football season. I want to get up early and take him to work and then take him to watch his favorite country band after work. I will never again be able to do those things. I question what I did in my life to have caused me to have to endure this agony. I try to be a good person, tried to be a good mom, what did I do wrong?

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 1:39AM
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Dear Burtsmom,
I am so very sorry for your tragic loss,I cannot imagine the pain of loosing a child. My only reference is the death of my darling husband and the deep pain and grief that brought me.You and your son went through so much since his birth and your closeness is a testimony to how much you love each other. I think you might benefit from a grief counselor, I saw one and the experience was very valuable. He told me that the pain was so severe because our love was so strong and this is very obvious in your case. Your son loves you very much and he will be sad to see you in so much pain but he understands because he misses you too. The pain will get better but it will take time and you may need help.I went back to work by visiting for a couple of hours one day so that my co-worker could give their condolences then I could go home and cry, then I started back to work on a Wednesday so that I didn't have to work a full week the first time. It eased me slowly back and made it less tramatic.
I promise that there will come a time when the pain will be easier and you will be able to dwell on the good times you had together, it will take a while but everything takes baby steps. Have faith in God, he is taking care of your darling son until the day that you get there and can take over again and he will take care of you too until that day.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 9:31AM
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Mav63 2007,
Thanks for your kind words. Today has been an especially bad day for both me and my husband. I have asked about grief counseling and have been told by everyone I have talked to that it is too soon. I still have too much grief in me for it to do any good. The first place I called was Alive Hospice since they do such good work, and they told me to wait, and then the mental health place told me just last week it was too early but they are there when it's time.
We have done a couple of jobs, we are painters, and our customers are very understanding but it was hard to just get through each day. I am supposed to be training for a new job but cannot concentrate enough to get what I need. I set goals for myself, that I am going to call to set up the training for such and such a day and that day comes and I am a complete and total wreck. So I have to put it off.
I have so many friends who call and check on me to make sure I am ok, but I will never be ok again. I don't see how it'll ever happen.
I don't want to lose my faith but day by day I keep questioning why my son had to die and it doesn't have any rhyme or reason. I will try to continue on the best way I can and keep asking about grief counseling until it's time so I can overcome this. We overcame so much in my son's short life that I know we can overcome this.
Again, thanks for the kind words.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2011 at 5:08PM
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My son's best friend from high school died in a car accident a few days ago. The boys were inseparable. They would hang at our house one weekend then his house the next. He often brought his younger brother. I guess an extended family situation? He married my son's ex girlfriend...a girl he had known since he was 5. She was injured in the accident that occurred while his 20 yr old brother was driving. I am devastated.I am not sure why my sense of loss is so intense. I hurt for the parents, the brother and the guilt I know he feels,for the 24 yr old wido and for my son who has lost his friend...how do you make it stop?

    Bookmark   September 18, 2011 at 4:14PM
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It's been over two months since my adult son died. The pain is no less than it was the first day. I have been working but like a zombie. I find that I can manage to work a couple days a week and then have to take almost a week off. Cleaning out paperwork is the worst. I have been looking for cemetery papers to prove what I bought in 1993, and to show them that I did not buy what they are saying I did. It's been a mess on top of the worst thing to ever happen in my life. I found a file that I kept with his medical history in it, and the last entry was 3/01. I had to add a final entry, 7/18/2011 Choked to death. It is now filed away in the filing cabinet.
Going through all of his old schoolwork was heartwrenching and sweet all at the same time. To see his handwriting progress from a child to a teenager and to read the things he wrote. He was truly my angel.
I have been in touch with my doctor and she said she sees an improvement in my mood/attitude. I think it's because the medicine helps me maintain my composure and helps me not to cry uncontrollably at inappropriate times. I still cry every day and at night I cry so hard I can't breathe.
I find that I am able to talk about him, laugh about his silly ways, and other things without falling totally apart. But then other times all it takes is a word or phrase that sets me off.
I still have a long, long way to go on my grief journey and have reached out to grief counselors only to be told if I have not been diagnosed as being depressed they can't help me! I am not depressed, I am just very sad that my son is buried in the ground and not at work or at my parents sitting in his underwear where he just got out of bed at 2 pm!
I have reached out to other organizations to see about grief counseling, but I find that writing on this blog, emailing my son every few days to tell him what I feel and what is going on helps me immensely.
I hope that each and everyone of you is finding more peace in your lives. We are in a club we never wanted to join and the membership fees were more than we wanted to pay.
Take care of yourselves and try to move forward each day.

    Bookmark   September 29, 2011 at 5:52PM
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I lost my 35-year old son December 15, 2011, when a woman driving a minivan turned left in front of his motorcycle. He was not speeding. His last act was to maneuver the bike to save his girlfriend (who I'd met only once but he'd been in a relationship with for about 3 years) who had her femur fractured in multiple places. I tried to be kind and attentive to her, but perhaps because of her injuries (she also hit her head), perhaps because of the drugs she's on, she seems to feel as if she has a right to all of his belongings and deserves a say in every decision that is made. He died without a will and has no children. In this state, she has no rights, other than the courtesy I was extending to her before she made cruel accusations and disagreed with my every move, claiming to know my son's (who was also my best friend) mind better than I. So in addition to having my heart broken, this seemingly crazy woman is stomping on the courtesy and concern I and my family showed her, disrespecting my son's wishes (he would never let her say the things she's said to me), and making me sorry I ever tried to be nice to her. I feel as if I'm juggling chainsaws. I will never hear him say, "I love you, Mummy" again.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2011 at 1:08AM
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I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard enough to lose a child without the complication of having someone who thinks they know what is best. I was fortunate in that my son did not have a wife or girlfriend who tried to override my decisions. Sometimes kindness toward certain people ends up biting you in the butt. I had people who tried to step in and plan my son's funeral but even in my grief I made sure that they had no say.
My son has been gone 5 months now and it seems like yesterday, so please give youself some time. Ignore the girlfriend, she only thinks she knows best. When she comes to her senses, if she ever does, she will hopefully apologize to you. Until then know that you did what you as a mother needed to do. My heart goes out to you, but know that you are not alone in your grief. Take care of yourself is the only thing I can tell you right now.

    Bookmark   December 20, 2011 at 10:03PM
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My daughter passed away Nov 2011. We were very close as she was single and so am I.She was 42 . There isn't a day goes by that I wish she was back even just for one day. Everyone says that time heals. It doesn't. All it does is maybe help you deal with it.I have close friends and they are a help. It's something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2012 at 2:22AM
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My 30 year old son passed away in July 2011. In just two short months it'll be a year. Time does not heal, that is a lie. I have become a member of another grief site that has forums for parents who have lost children from miscarriage to adults. It has helped me immensely and lets me know that no matter what I am going through I am not alone. The website is www.missfoundation.org. You can look at it and see if it's for you. I find a lot of comfort there, I actually found out about it on here from another MISSter.
I hope you can find some peace.

    Bookmark   May 27, 2012 at 1:16AM
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Thank you. I will look at that site. I need something to help me accept this . Not a day goes by that I don't wonder WHY WHY WHY? Grief counselling isn't for me as I "m a very private person who can not talk to strangers about this. Thank heavens for good friends,

    Bookmark   June 8, 2012 at 8:22AM
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I went to the site but felt they wanted too much info. So did not register. But thanks anyways. I'm sure it wud have been helpful but don't like giving out stuff like that.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2012 at 8:47AM
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I lost my so was 36 and he was married and had two children. He died of a Heart attack. He had not been sick this is a total shock. He die December of 2012. It has only been a few months I do not know how to go on without him. I miss him each day. I wake up thinking of him and go to bed thinking of him. My heart is totally broken. People tell me I must get over this and carry on. My mind days this but my heart will not listen it is hurting. I hurt each day and cry each day wish I had just one more telephone call from him.

    Bookmark   March 11, 2013 at 7:54PM
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The pain is so intense at times and other times there is just shock and numbness. Death is a terrible enemy and the sting never goes away. My 40 year old son Christopher David died on 30th June 2012 at 12.15pm, 15 minutes after his life support was disconnected. I had my hand on his heart and felt it stop. I helped to wash him, cleaned his teeth, washed his hair and his feet. Because he had been injured in a freak accident there had to be a police inquiry so I was able to stay with him for some time before the police took him away. He had two surgeries and I was able to spend one whole night with him with my head on the pillow talking to him all night. when I spoke he would twitch and the medical staff said hearing is the last sense to go so I comfort myself that he heard me comforting him and willing him to live. I took clothes to the forensic centre after the autopsy and they dressed him in his favorite woolie cap and a nice linen shirt his sister bought him.I wept over him and told him my tears would go with him to his cremation. I stayed some time. I told him I was angry with him for his lifestyle which had contributed to his accident, I kept saying to him "how did it come to this?" I said goodbye to my darling boy, he was my youngest, my baby, the adored darling of his older brother and sister. One of his sisters was like his twin even tho she was 2 years older. They were joined at the hip.When he died she ran out of the ICU screaming, then grabbed a taxi and took off to a friend's place where she kept screaming. I took photos, he looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping. the photos are on a usb stick. The last thing I did for my boy was to wait at the crematorium for him to arrive (he was privately cremated we had a separate memorial service) To my horror the funeral directors had given me the wrong time and he was already there, so I couldn't say goodbye, I just had to wait in the garden and pray while he was cremated. I may look at the photos again but not now. I felt that his 13 year old son who was his best mate may sometime in the future want to see them, his dad had the accident while his boy was with his Mum and he never saw him again.His 13 yr old son wanted to have the ashes to plant a tree over so I asked for a lovely biodegradable tube with sunflowers all over it. He decided he wants to keep the tube for a while , children are amazing. I gave him sunflower seeds to plant All this was comforting at the time and I'm glad I did it. My relationship withmy son was like a roller coaster, he had ADHD and his lifestyle was destructive at times. My pain is really kicking in now, I have no energy for life and am disconnected and sad. I know I will see him again and when he comes back he will be mentally healthy, but I want to talk to him now, to resolve issues to work out whether I was "a bad parent" When he had mental issues he blamed differant family members at differant times and was usually estranged from one or more. All the posts have been comforting and have helped me to realize that the sting of death will never go away until I see him again, but I will have to hang in there. I am so sorry for the losses I have read about and I feel your pain

    Bookmark   March 20, 2013 at 11:35AM
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I have been going for grief counselling,however at this time it hasn't been much help. this site has helped enormously and I will return to it again. It has helped me get rid of what feels like "emotional constipation" I think it is that you don't always want to burden people and all you really want to do is talk about your loss which makes many friends uncomfortable. To talk to others in this horrible "exclusiveclub" is arelief. One suggestion the grief counsellor made that I have started is to write letters to my son, talk about seeing him again, and I am going to make an album with happy memories and comforting scriptures like where Jesus said before he resurected Lazurus " the hour is coming when all those in the memorial tombs will come out" and "there is going to be a resurection of the righteous and the unrighteous" Thank you all for listening, reading your posts has helped me see what I am going throughis normal, and I will have to learn to put one foot in front of the other.

    Bookmark   March 20, 2013 at 11:58AM
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My son was found in his bed May 13th, 5 weeks ago. He was 29. All I think is what could have been, and now there is nothing. I am searching for something to help me. How to go on day to day. I don't know how. Losing him is like a nightmare and I find it so hard to get through a day. Reading the other posts brings me some hope.

    Bookmark   June 18, 2013 at 7:05PM
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I read heather287 (My Page) on Wed, Mar 20, 13 at 11:35
post and it could have been me that wrote so much of what she wrote. Sometimes knowing that someone has to grieve the way I have to grieve, and try to understand my son's choices of life makes me feel a bit better. I often think what type of mother I was. Did I fail.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2013 at 12:04AM
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Janet, my grief counseller asked me that even if I had dealt with things differantly would I still be second guessing about the way I brought up my child.......genetics can play a huge part and also mental illness which
christopher suffered from. I agonised over whether I did anything wrong during my pregnancy....or was too strict....too lenient.. the list goes on. I have three other children who don't have ADHD and they have a good relationship with us. Of course they feel that we made mistakes, but what parent doesn't. All our children were loved and knew it, as I'm sure your son did. If onlys are destructive.......ALL parents make mistakes...we are imperfect after all. The world today is very toxic for any young person with problems.......as parents we cannot insulate them.........I recently heard a radio interview with a highly respected headteacher who apologised to his students for what he described as "toxic poisonous society" guilt is destructive, concentrate on the happy times you had with your child. I still think of myself as having four children even tho one is sleeping in death. Talk about your child, grieve for your child, you may find support with others who have experienced tragedy such as yours. My counseller suggested I write to my son a sort of diary that I can show him when he wakes from the dead. As I have realized tho, everyone's grieving process is differant...there is no formula...but grieve you must. If you seel professional help it needs to be with someone you feel comfortable with.
Sorry for rambling on again...I know what a painful road you are travelling. My son's heart stopped 12months ago at 12.15pm Sunday 30th June. Ihave regressed and can't face going out or mixing with people...however I have been functioning in the past and I will again. It's just a major hiccough which took me by suprise.....it will pass....I have so many that love me.
I feel for all who have posted their feelings, we all belong to a horrible "exclusive club" but we can help each other

    Bookmark   July 5, 2013 at 12:39AM
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Thank you Heather for your reply. I know the only people who know the pain have lived the pain. It is always just under the skin. I think the bottom line is I want my son. I still feel I want to protect him. I also think did I do something wrong to make him the way he was. I think society is toxic, he always said it was. But Evan always was very negative and that was part of his problem. But many times he was so much fun, everyone remembers his laugh. You made me feel better Heather, thank you

    Bookmark   August 1, 2013 at 11:19PM
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I lost my 18 year old son on Halloween 1 1/2 ago---I have read a few books, talked to friends, all that stuff, but this is the first thing I stumbled on that I felt compelled to join.
He was killed head on with a tractor trailer...while texting. I am a State Legislator so I pulled a few strings to get the pictures of the accident...not a good idea...what a violent death my poor boy had...as I have said many times..."This is NOT a club you want to belong to" - The pain? Ebbs and flows, someone mentioned that now after several years they can actually go a few minutes without thinking of it.. WOW, I thought look what I've got to look forward to...still pretty fresh for me as the 2 year anniversary is Halloween 2013, couple months away... most days...I cant believe it...and that's the good days...the bad days...awful dark...but, as was said to me the day of...don't forget.... YOUR alive...im like "can u just shut up"

    Bookmark   August 30, 2013 at 3:34PM
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My oldest of two sons, Ben, passed away last month. He was 36 years old, and the best son a mother could ask for. We are waiting for the autopsy report to find out why he died. He seemed so healthy. He left behind a wife and two beautiful children, and of course a mother who can't stand the thought of never seeing her sons beautiful smiling face again or hearing his silly jokes or telling me that I am the best mother a guy could ask for. I don't know what to do to anymore. I'm not functioning. I'm fine with my grandchildren around, but when at home all I do is eat, sit and cry, sleep during the day, I can't sleep at night, I can't stop thinking about him. I hate that his kids won't have their wonderful daddy anymore. He has a 7 year old little boy and his daughter will be 13 next week. Why did such a good father have to be taken. I don't want to sound like I am going on and on, but people don't want to hear me go on about him, I don't think they understand, and I probably wouldn't have either. I just needed to get this off my chest. Thank you for listening. If anyone read this.

    Bookmark   May 15, 2014 at 4:47PM
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Judy, I read your post, and I'm so sorry for your loss. What a beautiful family. I hope that you get the answers you're hoping for.

    Bookmark   May 19, 2014 at 3:18PM
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Judy, I am so sorry. I know you feel like screaming to the world, I lost my child, so unbelievable. I can not truly talk to people as I would always break down. I keep looking for Evan, everywhere. I think there must be some type of sign. I cry and I cry. Your son looks like such a wonderful person. I can not say to you enjoy the memories because like me I just want him. You will have to grieve. Evan has been gone 14 months. Once In awhile I have a few good days. I wish for you a couple of those days. So many times I pray to God "just get me through today". God bless and hold on.

    Bookmark   July 9, 2014 at 12:17AM
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Sadly our son Jamie died on 24 September 2014 in a road traffic accident. We are still in shock but it has been a comfort to read the posts and understand we are not alone. Thank you.

1 Like    Bookmark   October 7, 2014 at 2:21PM
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I am so sorry for your loss of Jamie, I try to review the messages here, as the people who have followed up with me helped me. So many times I ask God to just get me through today. Now 17 months later I have a few good days back to back. But you have to take the journey of sorrow and heartbreak. God bless and if I could I would help you, but really there is no help, just time and knowing people truly do care and feel your pain, as we have lived it.

    Bookmark   October 24, 2014 at 9:21PM
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I don't know what brought me to this site other than one of my sons passed away earlier this evening....He was 57, married to his high school sweetheart with 2 grown children.. He had been diagnosed with Hodgkins when he was 18 and after surgery and 127 radiation treatments, survived...About 8 years ago, had to have 1 of his heart valves replaced and there again, survived...This past April, after a dental cleaning, although he had been medicated, developed an infection on the replaced valve and had to once again, have surgery...This time, he didn't bounce back....Being a 10 hour surgery, his kidneys were affected and was placed on dialysis, 3 times a week..He was in and out of the hospital needing to have fluid drained from his lungs...He was home for about 6 weeks and was having problems breathing and was found to have a fungal infection on the left lung...His surgery was 2 weeks today, where they scraped the lining of the lung and the doctor was very optimistic about recovery....From then on, dialysis just didn't seem right, breathing was terrible, one thing after the other and just last night the doctor said to gather the family...They had done all/everything they could and now it was time to let him go...All his brothers and 1 sister were with him as was his wife, son and daughter...He was awake but being on the ventilator, couldn't speak but squeezed his wife's hand ..(.My husband had surgery yesterday and I wasn't able to leave him)....The nurses were so caring and had soft music playing close enough for him to hear and even covered him with a special blanket...They disconnected the life support and gave him a sedation and he slowing went to sleep....His passing was pain free and very peaceful....He left us much, much too soon, but he's no longer suffering.....He's at peace!
I honestly don't know how I'll get through the next couple of days, we do have a huge family and all will be supportive but, I've lost a son.....That loss, I'm sure, will never, ever go away........

    Bookmark   October 29, 2014 at 11:17PM
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Sunny, I am so, so sorry.

Try to make everything, every tiny step, as easy on yourself as possible throughout the next few days & weeks.

Eat right, walk, take your vitamins, get enough sleep, & let people help you.

To heck with worrying about the family;
it's their turn to worry about/take care of you.

I am glad you got to have him for so long;
your love for him just shines through your words.

    Bookmark   October 31, 2014 at 12:01AM
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I have just found this site I lost my first born adult son on September 11th 2014 five months tomorrow He was the most caring loving affectionate son had an amazing zest for life he loved the family and made it his short life's work to help all of us. He suffered a horrible death when a 32 ton fully laden aggregates lorry knocked him over and killed him outright whilst he was crossing the road, the lorry driver didn't slow down he hit him at full speed

My life seems over I'm finding it so hard I just don't want to go on I want to be with my son agian . I'm numb my heart is broken james was only 30 he had no wife or children so there's nothing left I still i shock this can't be happening

    Bookmark   February 10, 2015 at 4:19PM
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I am so sorry.

My brother told me that losing his son, also in a terrible auto accident, was the worst thing he ever went through.

Maybe it's because, not only are you reeling from the loss of someone you dearly love, but for a parent to outlive a child is upside down; it's counter to the order of things.

Please take care of yourself,;
you know your beloved son would want his mother to remember him & to celebrate his life, & he'd want you to go on & to be happy.

One really good thing to do is to walk, briskly if you are able, for 20 minutes every day;
it not only gets you out of the house, it gets oxygenated blood to your brain & enhances your ability to cope & to think; it makes you feel better.

Also, reach out to people, & let them help you.

Just a trip to the library with a friend, or a coffee or a movie, keep you in touch with life.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss, & I wish you the very best.
    Bookmark   February 12, 2015 at 10:03PM
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