Feeling helpless (long)

cherrykistAugust 10, 2007

On June 10th, I was a happy grandmother and grandmother to be! On that day I was hosting a baby shower for my daughter Robyn.This would be Robyn's third, she also has a stepchild. The baby was due on June 17th (father's day) but could come at anytime according to the doctors.. We all had a ball and when the baby kicked we all took turns feeling her belly. I also found out my other daughter Angel was also pregnant with her first, due around Christmas! My two daughters who are as close as twins sat there chatting away about babies and how their kids would grow up like sisters. Three days later my daughter Robyn's baby, my granddaughter was stillborn. The doctors are calling it prebirth SIDS since they can find no medical evidence why it happened.

My other daughter has found it hard to be happy about being pregnant because she can't share it with her sister. Robyn says she is excited for her sister but you can tell it stings a little (or a lot). I feel so helpless since I live a distance away the only time I see them is when they're together. How can I be excited for one while the other is grieving? How do I make it better for them.

Robyn called me the other day angry because she went to the store and she said "all the women are pregnant there or had babies. I should have a baby too! I was the one who did everything by the book, I shouldn't have had to come home from the hospital with my arms empty and having to plan a funeral!" I told her I was sorry that she felt that way and that I wish I could make it better but she couldn't really want those mothers to not have baby's either. She calmed down after. Both my daughters are hurting and I am at a loss what to do.

I call everyday and let them talk, so they can vent. Robyn has good days but has really bad days too. Angel just feels sad because she wants so badly to share her pregnancy with her sister but is afraid to hurt her. She says all the plans they had made for Christmas won't be the same and how can we pretend any other way.

Thank you friends for listening

Tammy

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mav63_2007

I am so sorry for your loss, such a sad thing to happen. I have a sister and we are very close, I have always been sad for her because I had children and she never did but your daughter's situation is so heart breaking. You are greiving twice, for your grandchild and your daughter, may God Bless all of you. I pray that you daughter will get another change at having a baby but she will never forget this one, how could she.

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 11:32AM
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doc8404

Dear Tammy, please know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family on the loss of your grandbaby. I know exactly how you feel as I lost a son under similar circumstances 14 years ago. My wife and I had two other children after that but while the sting of the loss of Matthew has subsided, it never will go away completely.

I have no practical advice for you unfortunately. What I can tell you is that all holidays and birthdays and other family events for quite some time will be affected. My wife's best friend had a son a month after our son's due date so we were reminded of our loss daily for awhile, then weekly, etc. until it struck us less and less frequently. But of course, it would flare up again at a birthday party or somesuch happy event for our friends son. There is just no avoiding it.

I'd give Robyn lots of hugs and support during those parties and let her cry her eyes out. Hopefully, Angel will understand but it will be hard on everyone.

I don't know if this would be what you or Robyn would want but this worked for us; we did have a small birthday event (I hesitate to say 'party') in honor of our son each year for a while. It helped my other sons to remember their brother although they never knew him. I'd also suggest Robyn hold on to some keepsakes if she thinks that would be of comfort - a receiving blanket for example.

Nothing hurts as bad as this does. I pray you find comfort and peace.

Best wishes, Doc

    Bookmark   August 10, 2007 at 1:45PM
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popi_gw

Yes it does hurt, loosing a baby.

You are doing the right thing listening to them both.

Time will make things easier for all.

Such a shame, I am sorry for your loss.

POPI

    Bookmark   August 11, 2007 at 3:35AM
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mariend

This is sad and I cannot offer any advice because I have never been thru this. The only thing I can do is send Hugs and prayer so your daughter will find the right person or group to help her thru this situation. There are support groups and she can find them thru the hospital, YMCA or look in the paper. I also pray the other daughter will find the words and love to share with her sister and the other members of the family.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2007 at 6:24PM
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