About to lose my Mom

scu_lawAugust 3, 2005

I'm 31. I'm about to lose my mom after 3 years of battling cancer. First it was lymphoma, then it become (or metasized to) brain cancer. She's been through a lot and it's about to come to an end. She's not eating, barely drinking, and non-responsive.

Reading some of the posts here made me feel a little better knowing that other people have lost their mothers as well. I guess we all have to lose our mothers at some point, but I never imagined it'd be now or in this manner. I'm feeling anxious as to the moment she passes away. I'm probably not going to be able to hold it together.

Today, I tried to make some peace with her. I told her not to worry about me and that I'll be alright. (She loves to worry about me about everything.) I'm not sure she fully understood me. I told her she did a good job in raising me and that I'll try to remember all the things shes taught me in my life. I told her she's lucky that she got to see her only son grow up into adulthood, graduate from college, business and law schools, and have a career. One thing I regret for her is that I'm yet to be married and have children. =/

God, I love her. I'm thinking back to my first day in kindegarten her holding my hand telling me it was going to be fine. I'm going to miss her a lot.

Anyone went through a similar experience?

Kevin

scu_law@yahoo.com

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
alisande

Hi Kevin,

I lost my mom (suddenly) when I was nine, but my stepmother of many, many years died of cancer. She was much older than your mother must be, and I was way older than 31, but I can tell you that you did the right thing in speaking to her as you did. The hospice nurses told me that hearing is the last to go.

By all means, tell her how much you love her and that she was a good mother. Tell her about your kindergarten memory. And, if this feels right to you, tell her you'll look for her in your dreams.

My sympathy and best wishes.

Susan

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 7:27AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Oddtree2001

Please don't feel any regret over not being married and having children. Those things are for you, not for anyone else. And being married/having children doesn't make you any better of a child or more worthy of love. I'm sure she is very very proud of you

I'm sure your mom heard what you had to say. I think that when our loved ones are "on their way", they are able to hear us despite being medically non-responsive.

I'm so sorry, take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 9:53AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lasershow

Hi Kevin,

I am so sorry to hear this. I lost my mom nearly a year ago, to brain cancer. I am much older than 31, and Mom had lived a good long life before she was diagnosed (81 years), but reading your post took me back to all the things I was feeling a year ago.

I am her only child and like you, I never married and do not have kids. I always regretted not giving her grandchildren, because she LOVED kids, but when I mentioned that to her a few years ago, she brushed it off and said, "Don't worry about that. I just want you to be happy." My father died in 1994, so Mom and I became even closer over the ensuing 10 years.

I can assure you that she DOES hear everything you're saying, just as Alisande says. The hospice nurse told me that hearing and smelling are the last two senses to go. It bothered me when people kept coming into her room at the nursing home, saying that she "was a wonderful woman." I would say, "Yes, she IS a wonderful woman, isn't she?!" It was like the wake had started before she even passed.

If you are with her when she passes, it is a very peaceful moment. It is not great drama, such as you see on TV. It really is a very natural "passing over" of the spirit. However, don't be surprised if she will not pass in front of you. I wanted to be with my mother when she died, but the hospice nurse told me she had been the witness to countless vigils (especially daughters at their mothers' bedsides) when the family member just steps out for a moment and the person passes. The patient is still aware, and sometimes they can't let go unless they are alone. Try not to be upset if this happens, and understand that it was probably the only way your mother could have done it. That's exactly what happened with my mother. I kept up a vigil for the better part of 3 days. Finally, I got distinct vibes that she wanted me to LEAVE. I left, and within a half hour, she had passed. I knew it would happen that way and I was accepting of it. I knew she could not go in front of me. The hospice nurse told me they had had a long discussion (when she was more alert) in which she said she was very worried about me and how I'd manage after she was gone. Mom and I were extraordinarily close. I asked her to send me a sign when she got to the other side, just to let me know she was okay, and I've had lots of them.

I don't know if what I've written has brought you any comfort, but I hope you are holding up okay.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 9:57AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
Wendy_L

Hi Kevin,

I am so sorry. I just lost my mom in January and I can understand how you are feeling. I am in my thirties as well and it seems so unfair to lose a parent when we are so young.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with your mom, I did too, and we have to feel grateful for that. You will feel alot of emotions over the next while, just always remember that she loves you and you have made her proud.

Say everything to her that you want to say - she can hear you. I remember holding my mom's hand and just squeezing it so hard that her warmth went right to my heart and at the time thinking I won't be able to feel that warmth for much longer but I can, everytime I think of those moments I feel the warmth again.

Keep coming here, (I still do a lot) it does help to talk to people you have 'been there'.

Stay in touch,
Wendy

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 10:26AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
KiminWA

Hi.

I am going through the same thing. It was a week ago today that I found out my Mom's thyroid cancer has spread to her brain. I am heartbroken and I understand your pain ...

Kim

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 7:30PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
jlj48

Kevin,
I lost my Dad one year ago to Leukemia and just lost my Mom on March 31st. I loved them so much and losing them has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life (I am 40). Mom and I were so close, I was with her when she died and dad too. I miss her every day and often don't "Hold it together". Don't worry about it. Just take it one day at a time or one hour, or one minute. Feel your feelings and grieve for your sweet mother. You are a good son to love her so and be there for her. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please keep checking in here.
Joanie

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 9:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
socks

You are doing this just right, Kevin. Say every thing that is in your heart. She's listening. I went through the same thing with my mother, so I know how painful it is.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 10:25PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
scu_law

Thanks everyone for your kind support and warm messages of condolence. As of now, she's hanging in there, but it's killing me to know that she's slowly fading away. When I was younger, I always thought my Mom was going to be there. It's going to take me some time to accept it.

Kevin

    Bookmark   August 4, 2005 at 1:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
des_arc_ya_ya

Lost my dad four years ago and didn't get to say goodbye, so I'm glad you've had a chance to talk to your mom.

No advice, Kevin - just a hug! ((Kevin))

    Bookmark   August 4, 2005 at 9:53PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lulie___wayne

Kevin, I'm sorry for what you are going through. It is so hard to let our loved ones go. Continue to talk to her and let her know all that you want her to hear. I lost my mom just over a year ago. She had Alzheimer's and ended up dying suddenly from what we think was a brain hemmorhage. Even though she was slipping from us and we knew she was leaving us, I think there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it. Looking back, there are things which I wish so much I had told her. I wish I had talked to her more. Maybe at the time, I thought she couldn't understand me, I don't know. I do have regrets, so don't let that happen to you.
Your mom is probably very proud of you marrying and having children may not have necessarily made all of you happy. Don't feel badly about that. Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be for you.
If you are a Christian, keep your faith and thrive on knowing that you will see your mom again one day and she will be happy and whole again.
Lu

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 12:21AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
scu_law

My Mom moved on early this morning at 2:15. She did so in her sleep with both my Dad and I at her side here in her home like she wanted it. She's in the Lord's hands right now and may He take good care of her.

Thanks everyone for your posts.

Kevin

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 6:23PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
marie26

Kevin, I am so sorry for your loss. Be thankful that you were there when she passed.

When my mom passed away 3 months ago, we knew it would be at "any minute" but it happened 4 1/2 days later. It's so hard to be there knowing what will happen. Unfortunately, no one was with my mom at the moment of her passing. We had all gotten into a mode of her still hanging on until we would get to the hospital for our 12 hour plus vigil.

A doctor had spoken to me at the hospital and his voice was like an angel had been sent to me. He took us outside the hospital room and said that he truly believed that although my mother was non-responsive, she knew we were all there and heard whatever we said to her. I'm sure your mother heard you as well.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 8:14PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
lasershow

Kevin, my sincere sympathies to you and your father. Your mom was surrounded by love and I'm sure she knew it. You will feel her presence with you, I can promise you; just leave yourself open to it and you'll know she's there. Her pain and suffering are no more and she is free.

I don't know what your faith is, but I most certainly believe in an afterlife and I know I'll see all my loved ones again. That brings me comfort.

Be gentle with yourself and know that everyone grieves in a different way. There is no "right" or "wrong" way or prescribed length of time that you "should" grieve.

My thoughts are with you.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 9:19PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
DianePA

(((((((Kevin and dad))))))) so sorry for your loss! please accept my sincere condolences!! DianePA

    Bookmark   August 6, 2005 at 11:45PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
nora8

Kevin, I am so sorry for your loss. I am 57 and lost my dear sweet Mom a month ago....she was 84 and had alz. for 9 years. You are so young to go thur this....we all grieve in our own way...the Lord is our strength and comforter. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Nora

    Bookmark   August 8, 2005 at 9:10AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
chinacat_sunflower

scu-

having just lost my father last week, if I learned one thing, it's that there is no better death than the one that is attended by love.

it's small comfort to us at the moment (daddy's girl is a pale understatement in my case) but sometimes, ditching the body is the only way to deal with things.

it may take a few days- but don't be surprised if you get flashes of your mom, sleeping, in better shape than she was at the end. the transition from flesh to spirit takes time, but I hope you get the same dream I did- of her waking up again, in something that isn't quite a 'room' with one particularly special spirit to 'greet' her first, to help explain things.

I shared that at the memorial on sunday, and my mom's head snapped up like I'd said something signifigant- evidently, she recognized the greeter. she's seemed easier with things since then.

there is comfort- it almost always comes in odd forms, though.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2005 at 10:59AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
pickyshopper

Kevin, I send my sincere condolences to you and your Dad. Two years ago my husband and I brought my Mom on our annual family vacation, as we always did. On the day we were returning home, my Mom passed away very suddenly. She said my name, then collapsed, we think due to a massive stroke. My children were devastated to see their Grandma unresponsive and unable to be revived, because she had been in good health and relatively young, so it was a very unexpected loss. Her passing was extremely difficult for me, as I never had any chance to say goodbye. I often wondered if having a parent pass slower from a disease would be easier. I've come to the conclusion that neither is easier, neither is less painful. I believe things happen the way they are meant to happen. So please be assured your mother knew how much you loved her, and know that she felt the exact same about you. I really believe that saying "A person is not truly gone unless they are forgotten."

    Bookmark   August 13, 2005 at 7:02PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
eleonora

My mother died 34 yrs ago so I had no chance to do anything like you did. You are just lucky people to me. You had her, talked to her, you remember her face, she gave her advises to you, she saw your achievements and all the rest things all mothers usually do.I see in my dreams sometimes. I dont see her face but I know its she.
Sorry - didnt want to hurt you. Its pain. I know. But I still wish to have her for some more yrs at least so she could give me more...

    Bookmark   August 13, 2005 at 7:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo
christyla

Hi, I just came to this forum when I saw your post Kevin and I am so sorry for you loss.
I am new to this part of the home forum. I just wanted to say that I lost my mother 10 months ago. I have been thinking about her alot today especially and that's why I came here. She was having a series of minny strokes that finally weakened her to the point that she could not go on. She had 7 children. She was closest to my youngest brother. I had told him that week when she was in the hospital and before the doctors knew that she would not be with us much longer, that I felt she needed us to speak to her and tell her that we would be OK and that not to worry. Well on Sunday just 7 days after we brought her to the hospital they took her out of ICU to a regular room so we could stay over night with her, my baby brother was in there with her when he decided to tell her not to worry that we would be OK, well she shed and tear and just a minute later she was gone. I regret that I was not there, but I was happy that my brother was and spoke to her and reassured her. The one thing I realize as I have almost grown children myself is that you never stop worrying about your children. I think it was difficult for her to let go as for us. I am going to try to find out some info on the grieving process, it seems to come in spurts for me. With everything else going on in life kids, work, etc., lately things just seems to be a blurr. Most days are better than others. I guess it just takes time to heal and longer sometimes than others. I had lost my dad 20 years ago this June and I am 37 years old, my oldest brother is 50. We are all handling it differently. Most of my brothers, I have 5, seem to pretty tough about it, but they shouldn't feel that they have to be that way. Her 1 year anniversary is coming up and I have been thinking about that alot. Anyway hang in there and be thankful of all of the beautiful memories that you have.
Bless you, Christina

    Bookmark   August 15, 2005 at 8:05PM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
sudden death of husband at 46 years of age
Hi...I stumbled upon this forum and felt compelled...
still_in_shock
Gift
Hello, I joined today because a friend has just lost...
friend2U
Do you believe in the afterlife?
I never gave much thought to death before... but now...
Sad-33
Over 10 years and I still miss my dad
My dad died Dec. 27, 1998. He was 59. He was diagnosed...
threeoffour
Loss of first born Adult Son
I have just found this site I lost my first born adult...
jamesdasmum
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™