chicken salads

youngestdaughterAugust 14, 2009

Oh God I miss my family!I can not stop crying tonight, my heart hurts... Momma, I need you. I lost it.

That hole in my heart is open so wide tonight.

What happened to bring it up again? I was just sitting here writing a letter to a new friend and was telling him about chicken salad... I have just lost my mind. Its just chicken salad for heavens sake...

In my family we were all fairly poor. So when events came up, like new babies, old folks passing, birthdays, anniversarys, weddings, reunions Mothers day, harvest. any type of ocasion, we had chicken salad. That wasnt all we had. Course there was all kinds of food, not just that damn chicken salad.

Why am I falling apart over this? What is wrong with me?

What would have happened if I'd talked about piminto cheese or diveled eggs? Would I still have fallen apart.?

I miss you Momma. I'm here Momma and I just miss you and it feels like my chest is going to bust wide open!

I'm sorry I didnt mean to loose it.

Next month when we go to clean the cemetary, it will be my turn to bring the snacks. I guess I will make all those foods that remind me so much of family. Maybe I wont brake down then.... maybe I will get it all our tonight...

It just surprised me, thats all. Its just chicken salad.

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The heart has reasons that reason doesn't understand. Sometimes, the slightest thing can bring you to tears. It can be the color of the sky, a flower, a tuna sandwich, anything. One day, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably as I stood at the stove cooking oatmeal. The cause? A wooden spoon and the fact that I used to use it to make my Mom's cream of wheat. It wasn't just the chicken salad that made you cry hon, it was grief and those family times that surrounded that chicken salad. You should never apologize for your tears. You love and miss your Momma. *hugs*

    Bookmark   August 14, 2009 at 8:26AM
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No one can really tell us why the heart opens up and lets the tears pour forth when it does, Youngest Daughter. I just had a horrible, tear filled weekend, and it is spilling over to today. I lost my mom on July 31 and the tears won't stop.

    Bookmark   August 17, 2009 at 2:25PM
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Dear Fredacharm and Lynn_d,

Thank you both for such kind words. I am sorry for both your losses. I wish I could reach out and hug you! I felt so goofy over that chicken salad episode. It seems like the rest of my family has moved on. I wonder if moving to another place would help or hurt? Ever place I drive I can hear my people in my head, Grandmomma,'you kow old so and so had the biggest zinnias ...Daddy You watch out walking down this hear road cuz them folks got loose dogs...Momma, and you know over there lived so and so who's realted to you thru so and so...' Maybe I should put myself up for adoption '50yo w/4 hounds cries a lot but makes great chicken salad and know's Pitt county geneology ready for adoption'.. Its been 2 1/2 years since Dad left me and 1 1/2 since Mom left. Dad's birthday is comming up soon. I dont understand how long it goes on. I have many days where I am just sad, but not freaking out. Then there are those other days. I just loose it. Worst is when it happens when I am out someplace or if I am not alone.
Thank you for understand. God Bless you both. Vicki

    Bookmark   August 17, 2009 at 3:21PM
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please don't feel like you are crazy, I have done the exact same thing, my sister died this past January, and every time is see scrambled eggs my heart sinks and I am ready to cry...Why? because that is what was found in her stomache when her autopsy was performed, so I know it was the very last thing my sis ate....I think it is normal..I think you try and get yourself back to some sort of routine and kinda pretend your loved one isn't gone, then the littlest thing will set you off, I think it is all part of a process, just know you aren't alone, and it's ok to feel the way you do....

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 12:51PM
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Dear fiveinall,

Thank you so much. I was about to slip into my second self og grief and dispair today. I just stoped to check the mail. Thank you for being here at just the right time, and for saying just the right thing. You are in my heart and prayers today. Vicki

    Bookmark   August 21, 2009 at 1:16PM
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hope your weekend goes ok for you, try and keep yourself busy, I find that I feel the worst when I am alone, don't have any thing going on or just have an idle mind.
My keep busy project this week will be to make pillows out of some of my sisters old shirts, her birthday is on the 31st of August, and I thought it would be nice to send one to our mother and to her father (we have different Dads) Maybe enough fabric left over I hope to make teddy bears for my 3 kiddos, that would be nice, something for them to snuggle that was their aunties and keep forever.

Take Care,

    Bookmark   August 22, 2009 at 2:53PM
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