not looking to be consoled, not sure why I am writing at all
Two months ago, I lost my best friend/sister-in-law to MS at the age of 47. She was so wise and amazing and brilliant and funny. Without making a spectacle of it, she was unfathomably courageous. She found the MS utterly uninteresting and unworthy of entertaining; that perspective distracted others from the inordinate pain from which she suffered privately. And yet she was always concerned with the aches, pains, concerns and lives of others. She was witty and charming and somehow summoned the energy to be thoroughly involved in her kids lives, keep up on current affairs, always prepare new menus and plan her garden. She was fearless without being fierce, determined without being dominating, staggeringly beautiful without caring about beauty, imminently forgiving of those who fell short of being better human beings and ridiculously funny about those who mistook themselves for being important. I miss her so much, I have no words to try to explain the gaping hole in my heart. Her husband/my brother worked very long hours and travelled for work, so we sporadically lived together off and on for that last 16 years. I can't believe that there are so many more years ahead without her. I didn't realize how much time we spent together or talked on the phone or filled up each others days until I became the only one left. I feel so utterly empty.
Many of her friends, family and my own friends and family are always asking how I am, and until recently could say fine. I was doing curiously fine and was coping inexplicably well until the past couple of days, when I have suddenly fallen apart and now weep uncontrollably. i have nothing to say, don't wish to talk to anyone and don't wish to be comforted and don't wish to have closure. I guess that is why i am finding myself typing to strangers on a gardening site. The irony is that i have never gardened and am terrible at it, yet am trying to nurture her garden and plants.