I want my mom
Well I'm going to try this out. Lets see how it goes.
Here are the facts:
My mom died on April 19th, 2007. It is hard for me to even write that.
She had breast cancer and was in the Hospice of the Western Reserve. I saw her die there. I don't want to get into the details because I dont want to relive them. I'm having a really hard time accepting that she is even gone.
I just kind of push everything away and deal with other things. I'm in law school and I pushed my finals back until well.. now. i have a final tomorrow morning that I'm not even really studying for and another on Monday. When I cry about my mom it comes out in bursts because i just suppress my feelings. I have had the same boyfriend for about 4.5 years. he goes to medical school in poland. I cheated on him with a guy from my study abroad program. I dont even feel bad. at all. The guy was supposed to come see me on friday and he isnt anymore. i dont know if im more upset that im not getting laid or that im scared he doesnt like me. and i feel like that is what pushed me over the edge today. ha and what i immediately thought about is that i need a new guy to screw while i wait for the other to come. all i thing about is sex and keeping busy. damn i wish he was coming friday.
i dont know what my problem is. i have a box with a lot of stuff that reminds me of my mom. like scraps of paper with her hand writing on it, perfume, books she gave me. i cried uncontrollably over it for a long time today. that is just not typically something i would do.
i dont want to deal with this. i dont want it to have happened. i'm 22. it just isnt fair. i dont believe in god i dont think. i used to believe in ghosts. when my mom was sick i trie to hold pujas and pray but it did nothing. and now that she is "gone." i have been wanting her to send me a sign or anything. just say my name and i get nothing. i dont believe in anything anymore.
i called her cell phone today maybe in the hope that i woudl just hear her voice. just one time. or maybe just her voicemail message. they gave her cell phone to some other person. like she had never had it at all. i was really upset by that.
i have 3 sisters. i would never tell them this stuff. i just dont want to talk about it with them. i dont really tell my friends either. i'll talk a little but not much.
that is my story. i feel like its a fuked up dream. sometimes i wish my mom would come to me in my dreams but it hasnt happened. i have only dreamed about her once since and it wasn't really her... hard to explain.
im really not insane most of the time. i hate acting like this. i can usually stay in denial pretty well. i really fell apart today. im going to get to bed adn see if i can wake up and study at least a little.
ok- i thikn im tucked in denial now. at least so i can go to sleep. i hope that guy calls. i'll wait to hear back if anyone reads this thing...