don't know what to do

angel_eyesAugust 21, 2006

Hi. I'm new here. Like everyone else I wish I wasn't here for the reason I am. Reading some of the stories here has made me realize I'm not alone. A month ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. We were so excited. He would have been my 3rd child. My second with my husband. I have a 6 year old son that I had when I was 18 & we have a 3 year old daughter together. He also has a 13 year old daughter. We just got married 6 months ago. I was 3 months pregnant & that's when we told everyone the news! Everything was perfect throughout the entire pregnancy. Why didn't anyone notice something was wrong?? My husband's a doctor & he's blaming himself that he didn't know there was a problem. When our son was born on July 15th we found out he was in heart failure & there was nothing that could be done in time. His little heart wasn't strong enough & he passed away on July 25th. We are devastated. How do we explain to our children that their baby brother isn't coming home?? We just don't know what to do. We both work with sick & dying patients Everyday (I'm a nurse) but it's not the same when it's your own child. Any advice would be much appreciated. I don't even know how to put what I'm feeling into words.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby boy. I also lost a son, when I was 6 months pregnant. It was so sad for us too. He was my 2nd child, I had a three year old son at the time. I now have three living children. I will long for my son all the days of my life and my other children know they have a brother in heaven. They long for him too. I don't know any way to help you through this other than to say what you already know. Sometimes babies just die. And it's not fair. And it hurts so very much. I just take comfort in the fact that EVERY life is meaningful. And God has a purpose for every life. And my son's life had and has a purpose just like your son's life. Maybe it's to draw you closer to your husband, maybe it's to keep your eyes on heaven, maybe it's to prepare you for things down the road, I don't know. I only know that my son lived in my body and he awaits me in heaven. And despite my suffering, I'm so glad he lived. And I will see him again. Someone said here recently that you will be surprised at who is there for you in your grief and surprised at who is not. I found it so true. Some people said the most stupid things to me and it ticked me off. But in hindsight, I know they were just ignorant, and their words were coming from a good place. Other's just don't know what to say if they haven't been through it themselves. I found it helpful to talk about my son. How he looked so much like his brother, his name, even where he is buried. It made his life so much more real and meaningful. I wish you comfort and peace through this journey and I welcome you to write back and tell us all about your sweet baby.

    Bookmark   August 21, 2006 at 1:14PM
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I am really sorry for your loss, I too lost a babyboy at the age of 10 months, I didn't think this would happen again but then last may my 23 year old daughter passed away, I now have a 18 year old son left.
I wish I knew why some people get such a tough deal in life, but I think only God knows the answer to that.
I understand your pain and that none of it makes any sense at all, I also think maybe you should see a griefcounselor, we are seeing one and it does help, again I'm very sorry for your loss.
God bless

    Bookmark   August 21, 2006 at 9:04PM
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Angel Eyes,

I'm so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry for what lies ahead for you and how your life and your soul will change from this loss. Joanie's words are touching and so true.

There is no timetable for grief, no right or wrong way--just your way. Be gentle with yourself and over time it will not hurt as badly as it does today.

I found that talking helps and the anonymity of this forum allowed me to vent safely. Your 'real' friends may or may not be able to comfort you. But here, there are many who truly 'get it' when it comes to the loss of a child. We will not tire of listening, not tell you to get over it and get on with your life, not tell you we know exactly how you feel because we know each person's loss is precious to them alone.

We will listen, empathize, cry with you, agree that life is not fair and assure you that one day you will be together with your son again.

I'm so sorry.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2006 at 6:14AM
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Thanks for all of your messages. I've never felt so lost in my life. We walk past the new nursery & just break down. I just want to stay in bed but I can't because I still have my other children to look after. I've mentioned going to a grief counsellor to my husband but he's too proud to admit that he needs help too. He's always been the one helping other people. I know he's hurting. I wish I would just wake up & realize this was all a nightmare.

    Bookmark   August 22, 2006 at 8:59AM
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I'm so sorry about the loss of your baby boy. No one can really tell you what to do to get through this. Each one of us grieves differently but we are here to listen if you want to talk & we could tell you what we do to get through each day. But in time you will find what helps you get through the days. And as hard as it is right now, it will get easier with time. I didn't believe it when Bryce passed away but I'm feeling peace in my heart more each day & I am healing. Some days will be more difficult than others. We are always here to listen. Everyone here is dealing with a loss of their own. I know your baby's life was short but he was brought here for a reason. I believe there is a purpose for every life like Joanie said & everything happens for a reason as much as we may hate it. Keep close with your husband, you are going through this together & you will need each other for comfort. Nobody else will ever be able to understand what you are feeling but him. Please keep in touch & let us know how you are doing. You are not alone. It's so important to has as much support as possible. Letting it out is so important. Celebrate his life, although it was so short...You will see him again!

    Bookmark   August 23, 2006 at 2:10AM
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I am so very sorry that you lost your baby boy. Please take Brycesmommy's advice and keep your relationship with your husband close and safe. We lost our son and granddaughter 3 years ago in a terrible accident, and I wouldn't be where I am today without the love and support of my husband. We helped each other. On days when he felt stronger than me, I leaned on him, and I was there when he needed a hand. We have had wonderful friends who helped us more than we can say, but truly, it is only the 2 of us who know how this feels. You need each other so much. Please keep in touch and let us listen. We're all friends here and we want to help.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2006 at 1:01PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I am reminded of a similar situation that occurred with a dear family friend who was also a nurse, who lost a close family member. She initially took personal time from her job, then she went back to work, but was overcome with emotion ever time she entered the work environment where her loved one died. She eventually left the nursing profession because of this. I know this is a very difficult decision, but I wonder if perhaps a new working evironment or profession might help in your troubling times. My sincerest sympathey.

    Bookmark   August 23, 2006 at 7:44PM
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Thank you everyone for all your messages. It makes me realize I'm not alone. I'm glad I found this forum where I could come & let it all out. I don't know what I would do without my husband with me. We've always been so close & share everything with each other .The one thing that frustrated me most is that he's too proud & feels like he could only help other people but never himself. I know he's hurting because he talks to me about it & cries with me but he would never admit it to anyone else. Neither one of us has been to work since & I know it will be hard to go back where we see sick & dying people every day. I just never thought it could happen to us. When it's other people in the hospital you are sad for them at the time but you learn not to get attached to the families. Now it's us & for everyone else life goes on. I wish this was all a terrible dream...We looked forward so much to our new baby...We decided this would be our last baby so my husband had a vasectomy. It's so hard to stay strong for our other children. Thank you all for listening.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2006 at 1:28AM
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