My beloved husband died unexpectadly

eleonoraAugust 1, 2005

Just dont know what to do! We had a wonderful life together - just married 2 yrs ago and last Tuesday (2 days after his birthday) a bee bit him (allergic) and he died. Im new in this country and our life was so complete that I dont have anybody around to support me. We love each other so much that we dont want anybody around. Besides I cannot drive and have no job. Now Im alone in my house with our wonderful dog but I dont want to go on without him... I feel sometimes my head is just ready to blow out! It hurts. Reading about pain of other people? I cannot do this - painful. May be I can talk with another woman having the same situation? Pls reply as soon as you read this probably we can help each other. I dont feel like chatting or reading posts right now... Just send me email if you understand My name is Nora

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Thank you very much! Ive got so many emails that I am afraid I cannot reply everyone. Ive realized that a lot of people have grief and Im not alone. Life is not easy but everyone will lose a loved one day. It already happened to me. I cannot escape now so I should accept it and start new full life in a loving memory of my wonderful husband. Sometimes I want to give up but Im sure he wouldnt want it happen to me. Evenings and nights are so terrible and Im looking for him in our house, waiting for him in our bedroom and I still cannot believe that it happened to me. Many times Ive asked myself WHY ME? So silly question! Why anybody else? Probably my cup of grief is not full yet and I should have this horrible experience! Seems all our life was useless... We wanted so many things, just were dying for them.. And now when he died I look at them and think - we were stupid! We were dying for our new house instead of enjoying our old one. May be Ive got this lesson just to understand - its time to stop dreaming about something - enjoy what you already have.
Thank you again and God blesses you all in your grief and happiness...

    Bookmark   August 3, 2005 at 7:02PM
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Nora, what a valuable lesson to pass on to others..... Enjoy what we have NOW. It's kind of like how most of us humans get caught up in certain problems that we all have in life and we want so badly for the problem to be resolved. Finally that problem is resolved and then sometimes we get a worse one to take it's place. We need to try to be happy with what we have and enjoy each day as it comes.
Thank you for the reminder.

    Bookmark   August 5, 2005 at 12:28AM
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Don't tell me that you understand
Don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive.
How I will surely grow.

Don't tell me this is just a test,
That I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for this task,
Apart from all the rest.

Don't come at me with answers
That can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass
That I will soon be free.

Don't stand in pious judgment
Of the bounds I must untie.
Don't tell me how to suffer,
And don't tell me how to cry.

My life is filled with selfishness.
My pain is all I see.
But I need you, I need your love.

Accept me in my ups and downs.
I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry,
And say, "My friend, I care."

Joanetta Hendel
Bereavement Magazine

    Bookmark   August 7, 2005 at 3:39PM
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That poem says it perfectly...We all need people who will just be there...Thanks for this.

    Bookmark   August 7, 2005 at 4:40PM
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What a lovely poem. It is so true.

Another favorite of mine is the Hopi Indian prayer, which I had printed on the back of the prayer cards we gave out at Mom's wake:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep

I am the thousand winds that blow
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.

I try to remember that when I visit Mom and Dad's grave, but sometimes it is so hard -- especially when I see both their names on the stone.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2005 at 9:50AM
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if you had a loving husband, 'starting a new full life' is a particular challenge- because I honestly don't think that any single life CAN be as full as the joined life that a real partnership brings.

especially when you are far from familiar surroundings- the world may be full of promise, but it's also full of strangeness, and the person that has held your hand can't do so any more...

and as deep as my belief in spirits, and my faith in 'elsewheres' I wrote my father's eulogy around the idea that he has not left us- but I will miss the hands that painted, and every single overgrown hair in his oh, so expressive eyebrows.

you have my deepest sympathies.

    Bookmark   August 9, 2005 at 11:10AM
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Dear all! For 2 weeks Im alone and still dont feel any recovery. People offered help but they all are having their own lives and most of the time Im sitting alone at home. At the same time nobody can help me as I feel they dont understand my grief - just trying to be polite.
Every morning a wonderful bright sun comes up but I just dont want to open my eyes. I need him every minute of my life. Looks like everything decided to break and I need his hand every moment. Just begging him - come back to me, life is so empty without you. I know he wont come back and it hurts so much! He told me many times - When I die Im dead and I dont want you to cry over me and kill yourself as I want you to be happy. He just didnt tell me how to be happy without him, without his hands, without his eyes, without jis jokes. I need him so much!

    Bookmark   August 10, 2005 at 10:41AM
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Nora, I'm so sorry for your loss! I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. It sounds as though you were both very much in love.

You had written "Many times Ive asked myself WHY ME? So silly question! Why anybody else?" That is a very profound statement and shows what a selfless and compassionate person you are. You also sound like a person who appreciates life because you also mentioned a wonderful bright sun. You know it's there, just waiting for you to enjoy it. In time, you will enjoy it once again.

Do you have family nearby? If not, can you travel to them or they to you? What about your husband's family? Can they help you in this time of grieving? I think you need people right now.

    Bookmark   August 11, 2005 at 12:42PM
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Nora, please don't think I am discouraging you, but your recovery will be so very slow as it is for anyone experiencing a crushing loss like yours. Take time to grieve; you cannot rush it. You have to be patient and gentle with yourself and have belief that it will come, and it will, little by little. Your memory and your love for your husband you will always, always have, even though he is physically gone, so keep that thought close to your heart. Your love and memories are your bridge to him.

[lasershow, there is a beautiful book with that poem in it. It makes a nice gift to someone who has had a loss.]


Here is a link that might be useful: Grieve Not

    Bookmark   August 11, 2005 at 8:23PM
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my father took his last breath last tuesday, but it took us nearly four months to pry him away from the corporate medical world that was more than content to let him hang on to life with no voice, without the strength to work the remote control, much less eat or sit up.

I didn't realize it at the time, but I got to do most of my grieving with his hand in mine, and unlike so many people, we got to say all those things people wish they could (my father had eyebrows capable of speaking volumes)

but let me tell you that I wept for three months. I wept driving, and sitting, and working, and holding my husband at night, and he'd cry with me, because my father had been the loving, sensitive father he had lacked his whole life.

I kept going because I had no choice. I did my job by rote memorization, and couldn't tell you a damn thing that happened through that time.

and no. no one who hasn't had it happen can understand- I didn't understand when my friend's mother was dying of cancer, and I still don't understand dying of cancer, but I understand watching the thing that means more to you than anything else crumble around you.

this doesn't mean that the people who offer their help are 'just being polite' or that they don't care. Especially not if you're in New York, where the people tend to forget that their bustling little lives strike outsiders as hard and callous- they're really a wonderful bunch, and never better than when someone else needs help.

and if things are breaking around the house- that might be a good thing TO get help with. letting someone know that the living room light has burned out, and you're too shakey to trust yourself on a ladder is hardly laying your life's grief on another person.

and even those of us who 'have lives' that take up 23 hours a day- if we offered, it means that we think you're worth at least half of that one precious hour we have left.

in another week, it will be time to wash your face, and make that first attempt an handling things on your own...but no one would expect you to be anything but a helpless shadow of yourself before then.

losing my husband is my worst nightmare, and i'm the family Alpha, who organizes things and keeps the calander and sees that the bills get taken care of and that the gutters get cleaned- I lived on my own until I met him, so it's not that I COULDN"T...I would just have a hard time seeing any point, probably for months. even with him beating me with his spiffy new angel wings, telling me to get off my duff.

stay in touch, will you>?

    Bookmark   August 12, 2005 at 2:12PM
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Just noticed the date of my previous post - 2 days ago. I thought it was a week ago. Last days are getting more and more difficult. I cannot accept the loss at all. When people call I say Im fine. His mother cannot talk to me because we just hurt each other. I cannot eat for more than 2 weeks. Just drinking water. Its not my fault as Im trying to eat but food doesnt want to stay inside me. Lost 21 pounds. Its good - less fat! He came home at 4 pm and went to bed at 9 pm. What do you think I do this time? I go to bed as I cannot see his empty garage where he worked all the time waving to everybody on the road.When its his time to go to bed - I jump out of it so he can sleep there. I dont watch TV because its not interesting any more.
I wish I could already wash my face and dry my tears. But I cannot. And I am really turning into useless shadow of myself. I have only huge heavy pain inside and any attempt is over in some minut as I dont see any meaning in anything.
Sunflower wrote -- losing my husband is my worst nightmare, and i'm the family Alpha, who organizes things and keeps the calander and sees that the bills get taken care of and that the gutters get cleaned- I lived on my own until I met him, so it's not that I COULDN"T...I would just have a hard time seeing any point. --
I never thought about losing my husband as we just married in September 2003. I thought we were young. I was very strong before him - I could do everything alone. He showed to me that its a shame to live alone. He was responsible for house I was responsible for home. I loved that. Im responsible for everything now. Ive just started understanding about sharing. Ive just understood with his help how to be a nice, loving and soft woman. Who am I now? Just another avaliable woman, nobody's woman... People can ask about my weight and clothes size, they can wink. What should I do about that?

    Bookmark   August 12, 2005 at 7:33PM
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Nora, please consider seeing a therapist or going to group grief counseling. You need this help. There is desperation in your last post and I feel that you are in a very fragile (understandably) state. Time will heal but please try to help yourself now.

    Bookmark   August 12, 2005 at 7:46PM
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I'd like the memory of me
to be a happy one,
I'd like to leave an afterglow
of smiles when life is done.
I'd like to leave an echo
whispering softly down the ways,
Of happy times and laughing
times and bright and sunny days.

I'd like the tears of those who
grieve, to dry before the sun
Of happy memories that I leave
When life is done.

It was amazing to see that poem in a prayer cards book as those are his words he kept telling me. Not like that fine poem but in his own words. He didnt tell me one thing only - HOW can I do all that?

    Bookmark   August 12, 2005 at 7:51PM
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Nora, I do not check the grieving forum too often as it doesn't get new posts very regularly. But even though I am a total stranger, I (and I'm sure, many others) are touched by the depth of your pain in reading of the sudden loss of your loving husband. I too, agree with Marie26, you must seek out some kind of grief therapy, because you are in the worst stage of depression right now, and are rapidly losing way too much weight. I know that right now you probably don't give a care about your health, but you have to try to remember that your husband would be devastated to know that the sorrow you suffer due to his death is putting your life at risk. That is the last thing he would want. I realize you said you can't talk to his mother because the loss for you both is too painful to share right now. But in the absence of any other family members or close friends you can share your feelings with, it is absolutely important that you consider joining some type of grief therapy group. Where I live, in the Yellow Pages under "Social Service Organizations", they have a listing for "Bereaved Families of Ontario". So please check the yellow pages or online for Social Services or Social Assistance organizations in your area, then search the listings for any type of grief counselling organizations. It might even be easier to contact your doctor or a local church or hospital, as they can probably put you in touch with the nearest grief counselling organization. (As well, a doctor could assess your emotional and physical health). I know from experience that time will lessen the crushing depression you are feeling right now, but you have to take care of yourself during the process. Please take that first small step, people care.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2005 at 6:33PM
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Thank you, good people! I keep trying to proceed but I cannot. So many problems around. He always covered me, I was his beloved rose growing in love and warm/ Im nobody's woman now and people keep saying you should forget the past and go ahead. How can I forget? Him? My last love and hope! He saved me when I was sick, he showed a wonderful life to me. Now I should forget and go ahead. I dodnt understand!
When people call their advises hust me. He should take me with him... There is nothing to do here without him.
Nobody's Nora

    Bookmark   August 13, 2005 at 7:03PM
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Nora, you absolutely must get grief counseling. Make the calls to find out where.

When people call and ask how you are, don't say "ok." Tell them you are suffering. Talking can help a lot.

You want to go through this in a way that would make your dear husband proud of your strength and independence. Seek help.

    Bookmark   August 13, 2005 at 7:27PM
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Nora, if you cannot call for grief counseling until Monday, please call one of those help lines they have for people in distress. You need to talk to someone now! They are there to listen to you for as long as you need. It is so important for you to get all your frustrations and feelings out to someone now and I think speaking to someone might help. I personally had called one of these places many years ago when going through a divorce (he left me with 2 kids under 2). Please keep writing. We really do care about you!

    Bookmark   August 13, 2005 at 10:34PM
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Nora. Everyone here is right that you need some grief counselling. It is very important. I felt like my life was over after my little boy passed away but we got help right away. Talking about it helps. Especially to a professional who can give you guidance. Depression needs to be treated & should never be left alone. Don't hide the fact that you aren't "ok" because you aren't..It's not healthy. Please contact someone to talk to. And keep posting here & let us know how you are doing. We are all going through our own grief but talking about it helps..Otherwise none of us would be here.

    Bookmark   August 14, 2005 at 3:48AM
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love- no one says forget.

none of us forget. and at least once a day my own grief bends me to the ground.

but your husband would not be pleased with you, I think, if you were to repay all that love and nurturing by withering where he left you.

he loved you for your strength as well as your beauty.

you are still his woman, as you are your own.

so I add my voice- this is too big for you. your pain is too big for me, for all of us together, to carry.

you must stop lying to people. lying about how you feel, lying to the people that loved him- including yourself.

there are better counselors than myself out there- you're alone in a strange city that's recently had to face its own grief and rage and dispair...

there are people there who can help.

    Bookmark   August 15, 2005 at 8:40AM
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Nora, please let us know how you are doing even if it's only one line to say you're hanging in there.

    Bookmark   August 20, 2005 at 1:21AM
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Oh Nora...hang in there. I understand that right now, you are in great pain. That life seems empty without your husband as you grieve and weep over your great loss. But no one knows what tomorrow brings. A day will come when joy will come back into your life. Keep his memory alive. What is the name of your beloved? Write about him. Talk about him, and when you are able...sing about him. what was he like? What made him so special...what made him stand out above all of the others? Was he playful and funny, or thoughtful and serious? Could he tell a great joke, and could he make you laugh? Really laugh? What could he have taught other men about how to really be a great husband? Can you be his voice? Can you put down on paper things that make you smile when you recall something he did that should never be forgotten? What caught your eye about this man? What did he love about his Nora?

    Bookmark   August 22, 2005 at 5:40PM
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I think there are some posts missing here. Someone posted asking if anyone was communicating with Nora. What happened to them?

Nora, we are concerned about you so please let us know how it goes.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2005 at 5:56PM
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Nora, no one is saying that you should forget your husband...we never forget. Perhaps people in their haste to "mean well", tell you to move on. Try to understand that their hearts are usually in the right places, but they don't always know how to comfort you.

It is imperative, for your own safety and well being, that you seek some sort of counseling immediately. From the tone of your posts, you sound dangerously despondent. Please do not delay. We are all concerned about you.

As difficult as this is, part of the grieving process is coming to terms with your loss. When a death is sudden, or unexpected, it makes it even harder because we have no time to prepare, no warning of what is coming. You are left wondering "How?? Why??" A grief counselor or a support group can help you work through this.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2005 at 2:34AM
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Still no word from Nora (Eleonora)? I think the last time she posted was Aug. 13.

    Bookmark   September 6, 2005 at 8:28PM
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Do those in charge of this site have a way to contact her? It's really scary that she just stopped writing, especially since she sounded so depressed in her last posts.

    Bookmark   September 7, 2005 at 5:41PM
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I understand they do not have a way of tracing. I spent hours trying to find any information on the net but was not successful though I will admit I am not much of an internet detective. I did try looking for an obit., phone no. reverse email address. Anone else have any other ideas?

    Bookmark   September 7, 2005 at 7:39PM
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I emailed her but it came back "undeliverable at this time". I don't know what else can be done.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2005 at 6:44PM
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I contacted those who run this web site as I thought perhaps when she registered that she supplied information that would help them contact her...but they said that they have no way to locate her.

    Bookmark   September 8, 2005 at 10:16PM
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Hello, everybody! Thank you very much for your care and concern. Its just a great feeling that so many people think about me. I didnt know. But Im so proud now as so many winderful people exist!
First of all i want to tell you that Im Ok if I can say that about my state. And the second - I was not here because my computer crashed. We just fixed it tonight. So I stayed alone and coulnd talk to you.
Im ctill crying, grieving, having eating problems but I found a lot of literature about life and death. So Ive understood that he is not here with me but his love is everywhere. Any place I go his love is there, any danger I got his love is protecting me. Probably Im not right but this idea of eternal love keeps me alive. And I am sure when I die he will meet me somewhere there and we will be together again. He promised 30 yrs to me together but gave only 2 so he is my debtor and we will spend eternity TOGETHR! I do love him and my love will stay with me forever. My life will go on and on and it will carry me closer to him day by day.... Im walking not from him but towards him into his loving arms. Its how I think

    Bookmark   September 9, 2005 at 9:45PM
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Nora, I am SO happy to hear from you and that you are doing alright. You had a few people worried about you, but I'm glad you are okay. Sounds like you have a wonderful attitude, your husband would be proud.:)

    Bookmark   September 9, 2005 at 10:49PM
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Nora, without doubt many people on this forum are so relieved that you have responded. I hope you will be able to continue to post or privately email with members as they can be a comfort and helpful at this time in your life.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2005 at 8:00AM
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Yes, Nora, stay in touch! You have a lot of friends here. You gave a few of use some grey hairs! (smile)

    Bookmark   September 10, 2005 at 1:26PM
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Nora, this is the first time I have read these postings and I feel for you I have recently lost my Dad. However losing a spouse must be the hardest. They are the ones who really know you the best. I too felt sometimes that people just didn't understand and that they were dismissing my grief. One of my freinds asked not too long ago how I was doing and asked if things were getting easier, my response was no ,just different. I have recently started doing things that my Dad had always wanted to do but never had the opportunity. I recently went whale watching ( I am so scared of boats) once my fear tears were gone I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the whales and thought that I was seeing these whales through my Dad's eyes. My dad always wanted a motorcycle, I went out and bought one (never been on one before in my life), took a safety course and my first ride was to his house and I can hear him say, "Well you couldn't have bought a better bike." Like chinacat my father also had eyebrows that could tell a story. I feel that I have fulfilled a few dreams of my Dads for him. Is ther something your husband wanted to do, do it for him, I know it made me feel great doing the thingsd my Dad always wanted to do. The motorcycle was a bit much but I feel close to him when I ride it. Do the things your husband would want you to do and I hope like I you feel close to him by doing these things.

    Bookmark   September 10, 2005 at 11:12PM
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Nora, it is good to hear from you! Tell us about your husband. what was he like? What makes you smile when you think about him?

    Bookmark   September 11, 2005 at 8:29PM
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nora, im not sure how this works i am new, i e-mailed you yesterday morning but im not sure if you got it. i could not get off your web page. im the one who's husband passed away in the motorcycle accident on july 3rd and i feel the same way as you. hopefully we can e-mail each other maybe we can get thru this together.

    Bookmark   September 12, 2005 at 1:21AM
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nora are you ok

    Bookmark   September 15, 2005 at 12:31AM
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nora, its me again just want to know if you are ok, im worried about you.please let me know you are ok. tracy

    Bookmark   September 18, 2005 at 8:39PM
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Please, don't anyone take this wrong, but there are a lot of folks who don't have a reason/occassion to log on their computers more than, say once every two-three weeks. I believe Ms.Rock assured everyone that things were fine, less than ten days ago. Some people are not real comfortable baring it all for the world to see, as is done here. Just an observation from someone outside looking in.

    Bookmark   September 18, 2005 at 9:03PM
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... after reading my previous post, I realize I made a very poor choice of words in saying that, "things were fine." I am sure things are far from fine, I'm sorry for mis speaking... I pray that you all will find peace in your hours of need.

    Bookmark   September 19, 2005 at 10:46PM
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Dear all! Times are not easy as I said before. Lost pc again and all emails as well, It was not easy to find this site as this time I lost all favorites too. I have another period now I think - they call it depression. Everything looks very different. Everything looks hard. All my past problems and deceases came back. But Im trying to survive. Ive decided to visit my friends in SD even bought plane tickets. Dear tjmongragon pls send me email again as I lost all. I would like to talk to you.
Thank you very much for your care. I had no pc and I knew you worry about me. It keeps me alive!

    Bookmark   September 25, 2005 at 3:07AM
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Eleanora, please post as often as you are able. We do care and I am so relieved that you are hanging in there.

    Bookmark   September 25, 2005 at 5:39PM
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How are you doing Eleonora?

    Bookmark   January 14, 2006 at 7:45PM
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I still alive and dealing with lots of things. Still no light at the end of tunnel.... Tahnk you for your care.... Nora

    Bookmark   January 25, 2006 at 10:56AM
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Dear Eleonora:
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my dear husband quite unexpectedly a year ago and I still grieve for him every day.

After a few months of intense grief I thought maybe I was losing my mind, so I contacted a counsellor and in the first visit with her, she told me I was depressed. She told me to go to my doctor and talk with him, so I did, and the doctor prescribed an anti-depressant.

It has done wonders for me, I still grieve, I still cry, but the medication has helped me tremendously.

Losing your soul-mate is a good reason to be depressed. Perhaps it's something to consider.

    Bookmark   February 6, 2006 at 11:47AM
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how are you doing eleonora?

    Bookmark   February 26, 2006 at 10:29AM
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Nora, I totally understand what you are going through. I lost my husband in February after a crazy wonderful 6 1/2 years of marriage. This past few months have been a feeling like I have never felt before. Before I met him, I was an independent single mom who took care of everything. When I met him, I met my best friend and fell in love deeply. We had our ups and downs like every marriage, but the one constant was that we loved each other and didn't want to be without each other. We supported each other through everything. The last few years, it was more me supporting him while he went through some tough personal times but that is what a best friend and a wife does. In February, my husband died as a result of multiple blunt injuries to the head during a motorcycle accident. Before anyone starts talking about how dangerous motorcycles are, please understand that he was not a careless rider and he was doing the speed limit and wearing a full faced helmet. The truck in front of him was leaking oil and it got all over his bike and made him go into the median. He made it through the median but when he went to get back on the road, the tire caught the lip of the road and in turn made him flip. When his friend who was riding with him (and unfortunately saw the whole thing)called me to tell me he was in a serious accident I thought my world was crashing around me. I hopped in my car and rushed the 2 hour drive to the hospital where I sat by his side until it was time. He was a tissue and organ donor and unfortunately his organs weren't viable, but his tissue was. When I arrived there, there was no brain function so i never got to say goodbye. I just had the memory of our last kiss and last hug that morning before he rode off.We had talked about what to do if the time ever came so I knew what needed to be done, I just hated that i had to make that decision. That night was the hardest because I had to tell our children, my son/his stepson is 18 and he knew as soon as he saw me and i saw him grow into a man right in front of my eyes. His son, who was living with us, is 13 and his whole world was up in the air. He had finally found a spot where he fit in and loved being and now it was not the same and he knew he would have to go live with his mom again. I was lucky enough to be surrounded by friends who took care of everything that dealt with the service. I of course had the final say so on everything but they made it into an event that people will always talk about. There were 300 people at his service and there was standing room only. It was an amazing site to see how many people loved and respected him. I on the other hand was falling apart inside. I had to go back to work that following week because if i didn't then i didnt get paid. I did take some days off and the paycheck reflected it, but i got past that. My days were fine for the most part, it is the night time that has been so utterly terrible. I cannot sleep in our room, so I sleep on the couch. We did everything together and talked constantly, so the feeling of being all alone is overwhelming. I can be strong one minute and break down crying the next minute. It just sucks, there are no other words for me to describe how i feel. I go on with my days and try to muddle through the nights, but the pure fact is i miss my husband and my friend. I don't know what to do next, I am back to being the single mom again, but now I don't have that feeling of being a strong, independent person i was before him or with him. I do take help from people when i need it, but in all actuality the only thing i need is my husband. I miss him making me laugh, i miss him making me mad, i miss every little thing about him. Thanks for letting me vent.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2011 at 11:49AM
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I also lost my husband several years ago. I recently moved cross country and one of the best things I could recommend is to join a Newcomer's Club or Welcome Club. Just google those phrases. I've met lots of wonderful ladies, many who are widows, and they offer many wonderful and varied activities.

    Bookmark   March 24, 2011 at 6:41PM
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