losing my momma...my best friend

missnmommaJuly 25, 2013

My mom was diabetic and she had several other illnesses. She was 55 when she passed away may 11, 2013. For the past year I helped my dad take care of her. Monday, may 6, 2013 I took her to the doctor. She was fine until we arrived and had to sit and wait for a while. Her blood sugar dropped and so did her oxygen level. The instructed me to take her to the ER. So I did. The doctors put her on oxygen and raised her blood sugar. At this point she was still mobile and able to talk. The next day (may 7th) was my oldest daughters 16th birthday. My mom was now on an oxygen mask instead of the one that sat in her nose. But she was so excited bout her granddaughter turning 16 and she told every nurse, doctor, and anyone who came in her room about it. The next day (may 8th) she was having even more difficulty breathing. She was barely talking and was having dementia like behavior but still seemed to be alright. On the 9th of may her dementia symptoms just about destroyed me. The nurse asked mom what my name was and mom told her. Then the nurse asked how I was related to mom...she didn't know. Later she became frustrated because she didn't want to wear the oxygen mask and so they gave her meds to calm her. The next day (may 10th) she couldn't talk at all and barely responded to anyone but still fought the oxygen mask. By that night the doctors had sedated her and put her on a ventilator. 4:00 am on that dreadful day (may 11th) the icu called dad cuz her stats had dropped and they had to put in a central line. We sat in tge waiting room for hours. Now there was nothing coming from mom. They said it was becuz she was sedated. I looked into her eyes and I knew otherwise but I said nothing to anyone. At some point I went home to check on my daughter and as I got in my door dad cakled and we had to get back to the hospital. Her stats were dropping despite the central line. It was around 3 pm I think when I asked the nurse if mom was still sedated. I asked cuz the meds in her iv were different...his answer...she hadn't been sedated since 8 am. I already knew before that she was gone as I saw nothing in her eyes...this confirmed it for me. Almost my whole family was there and I laid my head on my mom as her vitals dropped...I held her hand and told her I loved her as she flat lined. The sound it made when they took her off the ventilator was horrendous and I can say that I cannot be around an air compressor ever again. At 5 pm may 11, 2013 my mother officially flew to heaven.

I am an only child and my mother was my best friend. I cannot get the vision of her from my mind. I cannot get rid of the sounds from my mind. I barely sleep cuz all I dream of her every night. I miss her more everyday and I have to hold it all in so I dont upset my dad or my kids.

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I am so sorry for your loss. I know how hard it can be since losing my husband of 41 yrs. There is nothing I can tell you that will help, it just takes time. Nothing can replace that person or love we had. It will slowly, very slowly get easier.
Keep busy so its not on your mind as much. You can also write her a letter and tell her your thoughts. Journaling has helped others.

You can have the comfort of knowing you will see her again and she will come for you when its your time.
I'm sorry I can't be of more help. If things get too bad seek counseling. Hospice offers it at no cost, and there are many online groups where you can just talk.

    Bookmark   July 29, 2013 at 8:14PM
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I'm so sorry.

Losing your mother in any circumstances is bad enough, but you & your dad went through a lot to be with her throughout her last illness.

Being there when someone passes is an intense.experience, one that likely will leave residual sensations like the sounds that you mention, very much like post-traumatic stress.

When I have "sounds" in my head, whether it's thinking that I hear someone who's gone or a bad story on the news, or even if it's an 'earworm' of Stars & Stripes Forever, I turn up the volume on my own choice of music;
it helps.

One big important thing to remember is that time changes everything, time heals everything, time makes the garden grow.

You can't will a cut finger to heal;
it has to heal in its own time.

It's only been a couple of months;
tend to your symptoms (play the music, etc) to get through this, & trust time to soothe your spirit.

I know it sounds odd right now, but the day will come when you're grateful & glad that, whatever it cost you, you were there for her & with her.

Take care of yourself.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2013 at 4:59PM
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I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Keep the good memories close in your heart. My mom has been gone 10 years, and I still miss her. Deepest condolences.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2013 at 6:32PM
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Thanks for all your kind words...I've already had to go thru her belongings and not much has gptten easier...but I appreciate your wisdom and thoughts

    Bookmark   October 5, 2013 at 11:04PM
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I am so sorry for your devastating loss. Five years ago in August I also lost my Momma. This web site and the wonderful people that visit it often were my lifeline to keep going.

It has been a long, long journey.....she was a loss so deep that I thought I would never recover from. I will always, always miss my Momma but I have come to realize how very blessed I was to have had for the 40 years I did.

There is not much that anyone can say or write that will make the pain any easier. It was just such a comfort knowing that what I was feeling was normal and that other people have been in my shoes.

The first few years were completely horrible, the darkest days I have ever experienced. I would go off by myself and fall into a black hole and felt like I never wanted to come out. I had such a difficult time learning how to live a life that was completely different than what I had known.

No one can say how long you should grieve and no one knows how deeply it will affect you. I can only say from my own experience that time will not heal the wound.....it will only make the throbbing less intense. When I close my eyes, I can still see her as perfectly as if she were here with me so for a long time, I lived in my mind. I did a lot of praying and leaned on my faith and then one day....I realized the sun was shining again.

From this experience I have learned to be more present in the moment. This is how memories are created and in the end, when someone passes, that is all we have to keep of them so I try real hard to collect as many as I can and enjoy every moment I can with the people that I love.

I wish the best for you on your journey and hope that when you close your eyes, you realize she has never really left you at all.

Blessing & hugs to you....

    Bookmark   October 9, 2013 at 8:24AM
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I lost my Mom, my best friend on June 10, 2011. I know, for me it took some time to remember the good memories. The scary and sad memories flood first but, with time you will remember the happier times you shared. I'm sorry for your loss. I still miss her everyday but, I strive to do as she would have done. She would want you to be happy. To remember the love and laughter.

    Bookmark   December 8, 2013 at 2:32AM
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