I'm new here... I wish I wasn't

CariJoJuly 12, 2004

I... I don't know what to say, except I've read a few messages and perhaps here is a place I can come. Life goes on for everyone else... for me, I still want to talk about him all day, every day and I think my friends are getting distant because of it.

It's been almost a month since the accident. It could have been any one of those boys that was with him... they had all jumped off that cliff into the water many times. But it was my brother's first time. He was a very handsome and athletic 17 year old. He loved adventure. He jumped off of an 80 foot cliff and fell to his death... because he was leaned a little too far forward he was knocked out. My beautiful strong brother drowned.

And I don't know if I'll *ever* just "get the **** over it", as some in my life have so callously suggested. I can't. I lost my big brother when I was 14 (I'm 22 now). I watched him die of leukemia. I never, never thought it could happen again. I still can't believe I'm alone in this world, that both of my siblings are dead. I moved home to be with my mom and people are critisizing me for that.

I don't know, I guess I just feel so alone, like no one except her understands and I don't want to burden her with my grief, as she is nearly dead herself from a broken heart. Here's something I wrote about Dan.

"You felt the rush

The same one we felt together, suspended in the air with Mom between us

On that safe drop, the harness, then flying through the air

At first you were scared

You wouldnt pull the cord

But when we fell, you loved it

I used to play Airplane with you

My feet digging into your smaller chest

Your soaring smile above me

I love you, little brother.

When I climbed down the ice pit last summer

And couldnÂt get out

You helped pull me out with your strong arms

Your strong arms couldnÂt save yourself.

I know you were scared to jump.

But you saw it done. You saw how they landed. Feet first.

Feet first, Danny! Feet first.

"Alright guys, I gotta make this jump".

Your very last words.

And as you fell, you leaned forward

You didnÂt scream

You didnÂt scream because you didnÂt know, and so

All the way down, you felt the rush, the thrill

Expected to plunge and swim back up

So we could see your beautiful eyes open again.

Popping over that snow jump we made, you landed it every time

I saw air and shafts of sunlight between your flying body between the sky

I saw your smile

A million times I saw you,

And now I want to write every one

Must write them to remember you by.

Rather than the first, IÂll start with the last

As it torments me more than any other

Your sweet smile and gentle eyes  NO MORE

All that filled you up inside and lighted you was gone.

I heard our fatherÂs muffled cry through the wall

And saw mom and dad backing away from your body in horror.

I went to be alone with you.

Your head was supported by no soft pillow, only a styrofoam block

You wore a hospital gown so we wouldnÂt have to see you in your swim trunks.

I pulled the gown to look at your chest.

A huge gash where they emptied all your life fluids

I know they had to do it to keep you looking good, butÂ

Since it was never meant to heal, they used such rough stitches

Like rawhide, the thickest stitches IÂve ever seen

I looked upon your face. Sweet brother, the cream was applied all over, over your orifices too

Your handsome dark eyebrows and those think eyelashes I was so jealous of

Were covered in white cream

Your eyes and mouth seemed to be lacquered shut

I know, because I touched you a lot.

Your eyes were closed, will stay closed

Those lashesresting on your creamy cheek

Your eyes looked peaceful enoughÂ

Except for the purple bruise under the left one.

But your mouth was drawn in anguish

In anguish, little brother

By the way your lips looked

I could tell you breathed in water.

Not right, itÂs not right, you didnÂt look right there

It was you, but it wasnÂt

Just the case of you

And the case was so stiff, so cold

Your hard muscles felt so different in our last embrace

I fairly laid down next to you, my head on your cold chest

My hands running through your soft, sweet smelling hair.

I wanted you to embrace me too, but your arms were stiff

Your hands sort of clenched and slightly raised from your torso

Og god Danny, no

No no no no no

And I couldnÂt go I kept trying to walk away

After I covered you to the neck again with that white sheet

How you shined under the light, that ****ing cream

Made you glisten and you looked so handsome

Such a handsome young man should never be lying on a table like that. You should have come back, Danny

Why cant you come back

Please

Please

My tears burn like acid on my parched face

IÂd give anything to take your place

You saved my life and lost your own

DonÂt drown, Danny, donÂt drown

Hit the water right

DonÂt be scared, water is soft

The very firstÂ

They gave me a coloring book about babies

As I waited for your arrival

But you didnÂt look like the cute babies in the book

All wrinkled and fat, and noisy, you scared me

But I learned to hold you and care for you

I became a big sister when I met you".

If someone could guide me, I would like to share his picture as well.

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StefCo_NJ

Carijo,
I am so sorry for your loss. Your words are beautifully written, and I'm glad you found a place to come to - a place where you can share your thoughts, your feelings, your grief.
We're all grieving for people we loved and lost. We understand your pain.
The people you mention who are criticizing you for your actions.... Please disassociate yourself with them. Those are not friends. They're certainly not people you need in your life right now. You did a wonderfully courageous thing by moving in with your mother. I'm sure she appreciates you more than anything. And yes, her hurt is horrible (horrendous) and so is yours. Be kind to eachother and yourselves during this awful time. I'm glad you came to share here with us.
-Stef

    Bookmark   July 12, 2004 at 6:36PM
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alisande

CariJo, I hope you will take Stef's words to heart. Those who are urging you to get over it don't know what they're talking about. Even if they mean well, their urgings are hurtful to you. A month since the accident? A month is nothing in this process. I would expect your grief to be every bit as raw today as it was in the first week. By all means, keep talking about Danny. If you're tempted to be silent on the subject with your mother for fear of burdening her, please consider that she might very much want to talk about him herself, and hear what you have to say. She will want him to be remembered, as you do, and no one will remember him better than the two of you. It's good that you moved in with her.

I'm so sorry this happened to both of you.

Susan

    Bookmark   July 12, 2004 at 9:33PM
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PRO
Nell Jean

Bless your heart. Such a terrible thing to have to face. So sad for you and for your mother. Telling about it helps, welcome to a place we'd rather you had not had to seek out.

If your photo is on a web site or you have an account at a site that allows sharing, it can be linked here in the box that says 'Optional Link URL.

Or, if you want, send it to me and I'll post it for you in the messages.

Nell

Nell

    Bookmark   July 12, 2004 at 10:56PM
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lulie___wayne

CariJo, I am so, so sorry. What everyone said is so very true. There is NO way that you can be "over"this this soon. You will never be "over" it. You will learn to live with it, but never be over it. When we lose those we love, we never forget their lives nor their deaths. I'm so very sorry that you are dealing with this and I can't imagine your mom's pain of having lost two of her precious children. You will be tremendous comfort to her having moved back in with her. What a kind thing to do.
I lost my 19 year old daughter and my one remaining son is so much comfort to me. Just being around him makes my husband and me feel better.
You talk about your brothers as much as you want to. Seek friends that don't mind you talking about them. Get together with their friends often and talk about them. And of course, we are always here to listen and help out in any way that we can.
I too, would love to see pictures of your brothers and anything else that you would like to share.
You have my prayers, Sweetie!
Lu

    Bookmark   July 12, 2004 at 11:46PM
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CariJo

.... I was so, so very moved by visiting that site... It was so beautiful. I didn't cry until I saw her paintings. I was wondering... how long after the accident did it take for you to get that site running?

About Christin, and Dan... it seems to me a very similar thing in that they were both extraordinary people and we knew it when they lived. Every time I saw my brother I knew that there was something so special about him... in spite of the abuse he endured up until the day of his death. He never turned it back on me and mom, and he wouldn't leave his tormentor when he turned 16 out of love.
So both of their young lives ended in acts of love.
I think you know exactly how we feel, especially the part about the future of the family... Dan will never have children now, and my children will never have cousins from my side.
Dan and I were close like Todd and your daughter. He always stuck up for me... in so many ways I see him now as a sacrifice, because his death gave me the strength to finally get out of a 5 year abusive relationship. I couldn't explain it at the time but now I know that I had to do it for myself and make it work no matter how much I was dominated... coz I have a choice, and Dan really didn't.

He was just so mellow and so sweet, he never yelled at me like Dad and my ex, he strove to be something different and always, always he was working towards his future, when he could be free without hurting the man who hurt him.

We tried to come here to help my father because we thought God wanted us to. But my father has not let Jesus change his heart... and we got in a terrible fight last week where he was holding me hostage in a vehicle, yelling at me... I begged him to stop but he ended up saying the most horrible thing to me... he said 'you can just go jump in front of a bus'! So I ran away and now I have driven the wedge becaus I dont want to risk it anymore. I felt in that moment exactly what he meant: he wished I had died instead of his perfect son. He takes the credit for Dan's goodness, he thinks he was the perfect father.

I wanted to be closer to him and I needed him but he really hurt me and now I dont know what to do.

Dan was going to go to aeronautical school to become a pilot. At first he wanted to be in the Airforce, all his life actually but he changed his mind when Ronnie died - he didn't want to put my mom through that again.

Living with my dad, he made him work all the time, since he was 11 or 12. Dan had $37,000 saved up towards his college tuition.

Now my father has put my mother, who agreed to come help him with the business he and Dan built, in a financial bind... he is using this as an opportunity to get back at her now, 12 years after she left him. Dan would be rolling in his grave to know that my dad is doing this, absorbing all his money and not being fair to my mother. It's not about money, it's about the fact that we came here because we thought his heart would change but it hasn't. It's a bad situation indeed. Luckily I found a job right away as a cocktail waitress at a casino so I can help my mom.

Anyway I have gone on, but it does feel nice to share with people who understand. I wish we could have grown together instead of being this way, my father and I. But I feel that he set me so far back in healing that I must remove myself from his presence for awhile.

    Bookmark   July 13, 2004 at 2:53AM
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terrizx

carijo....i am so sorry for the loss you have suffered...your brother dan was very handsome ...you two sounded as if you had a special relationship....when you said that he protected you it brought to mind my son ricky who always protected his sister(my daughter)..since her death he has suffered so ...and he has had alot of people tell him he should be over it by now..it has been 2 1/2 years...and he is still as devastated as when she 1st died ..only now the reality has set in and he know she will never be back...it is so hard on a sibling as i have mentioned in another post...because its as if some people dont think you hurt as bad as the parent ...i being a parent know how deep my pain is ..and i know my son feels his pain just as deeply if not more..they were to grow old together..she was his only sister....sorry to ramble...anyway please allow yourself to grieve and it is wonderful that you are back home....ricky would still be living with us if not for people acting as if he should have his own place...we do need him here and we hope and pray he will come back....dont waste your time on mindless insensitive people who do not know what you are going thru..,.stay close to mom...you two will need each others shoulder and strength...and you will never regret putting family 1st...GOD bless you terri

    Bookmark   July 14, 2004 at 6:27PM
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CariJo

I'm so sorry about your daughter. I did help to read your words, from another parent who understands. When my big brother died, I got extremely close to Dan. Full siblings are a special relationship. I miss him so much.

    Bookmark   July 14, 2004 at 11:04PM
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lulie___wayne

Dan is such a nice looking young man. I'm so very sorry.
I know you will miss him forever.
Lu

    Bookmark   July 15, 2004 at 12:38AM
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Wendy_the_Pooh

(((CariJo))), so sorry about the loss of both of your young brothers. I feel for you.

    Bookmark   July 15, 2004 at 10:05AM
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dcrowex

Carijo, I am so very sorry for your loss of your brothers. I am glad you are here - you are with friends. Please talk to everyone here, trust me, they do understand probably more than anything you will know. This was such a tragedy...my deepest sympathies are with you.

deb

    Bookmark   July 18, 2004 at 8:35AM
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jeanette826

Hi CariJo .... so very sorry for your loss and pain. I. too have loved and lost many very close to me and still think of them so very often. I have a poem that I have read at their funeral and many have asked me for a copy of that poem which apparently brought great comfort to them so I would like to share it with you as well.

Things Id Like To Say

Some things Id like to say
But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.

Im writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above
Where theres no more tears or sadness, there is just eternal love.
Please do not be unhappy just because Im out of sight
Remember that Im with you every morning, noon and night.

That day I had to leave you when my life on Earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me and He whispered, "I welcome you".
Its good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone,
As for your dearest family, theyll be here later on.

I need you here so badly as part of My big plan.
Theres so much that we have to do to help our mortal man.
Then God gave me a list of things He wished for me to do,
And foremost on that list of mine is to watch and care for you.

And when youre sad, Im standing there to wipe away the tears,
And when you lie in bed at night, the days chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on Earth and all those loving years,
Because youre only human they are bound to bring you tears,
But do not be afraid to cry, it does relieve the pain,
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that God has planned,
But if I were to tell you, you wouldnt understand,
But one thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over

I am closer to you now than I ever was before.
And to my very many friends, trust God knows what is best.
Im still not far away from you, Im just beyond the crest.
There are rocky roads ahead of you, and many hills to climb.
But together we can do it taking one day at a time.

It was always my philosophy and Id like it for you too
That as you give unto the World so the World will give to you.
If you can help somebody who is in sorrow or in pain,
Then you can say to God at night "my day was not in vain."

And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way I made somebody smile.
So if you meet somebody who is down and feeling low,
Just lend a hand to pick him up as on your way you go.

When you are walking down the street and youve got me on your mind,
Im walking in your footsteps only half a step behind.
And when you feel the gentle breeze or the wind upon your face,
Thats me giving you a great big HUG or just a soft embrace.

And when its time for you to go from that body to be free,
Remember youre not going, youre coming home to me.

And I will always love you from that land way up above.
Will be in touch again soon! P.S. GOD sends His Love!

    Bookmark   July 30, 2004 at 12:15AM
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gabby_49

Carri Jo....Your beautiful "poem, said it all, was the most , heart break, and I felt your "pain".... Bless you and your family!!! Gabby

    Bookmark   August 19, 2004 at 10:21AM
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lulie___wayne

CariJo, how are you and your mom doing??
Let us know. I think of you two so often.
Lu

    Bookmark   August 22, 2004 at 9:52AM
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CariJo

Hey guys... just reading that poem makes me cry again. I still cry every day. It's really hard when you're by yourself at night. I miss Danny. I made a shrine to him in my room. It's been a few months now and though the pain isn't... as consuming, it's still with me all the time. The time we had together, his youthful eyes and laughter, they haunt me, you know. It's still not right that we are here "enjoying" life and it is over for him, so young, so full of potential. I keep wondering why it has to be this way. And why he couldn't have been pulled out of the water, why those boys who were with him don't care about us, because they never call. I keep wishing I was old enough to start a family, that my ex boyfriend was a good man so I could give into his pressure to go home. But my path is set.... it's so strange but in the aftermath I see clear evidence that we (mom and I) are doing as God intends, that he has plans for us and taking my brothers away are part of the plan. For my mother at least, no clearer evidence could have been presented that God is here and He does care.

My mom was devastated to be here, after her head cleared. She quit her well paying corporate job to slave away for my vengeful, tyrannical father. Things were not looking good - on top of the grief she had to suffer his abuse to pay the bills. She was depressed and felt she made a huge mistake in the wake of the grief. I felt bad b/c I insisted that God wanted us here, to help my Dad (before he betrayed us) to be where Dan was, to be in this small town away from the city, away from my ex bf. I prayed and I really thought we were doing the right thing. Even at the worst I encouraged her that somehow, God would come through - I could feel it.

And He did. Out of a pool of 462 applicants in a town of 50,000, *my mother* was chosen to be the business manager/instructor for the only scuba diving school in the entire area. Her new job is about as awesome as they come. She not only gets paid to learn a new career, scuba instruction, but will be taking 10 paid vacations a year to take clients to places like Australia, the South Pacific, Hawaii and Florida. That we moved here after Dan drowned, and now she has a new career in *underwater life support* is not lost on me. Praise God - if that isn't direct evidence of his Love than I don't know what is. My beautiful mother has suffered so - this bit of security, adventure and hope for quality of life was exactly what she needed. The owner is so nice he won't ever make her dive in the huge brown river that took my brother, though it is the local attraction for his business. We also got to meet the diver who pulled my brother out of the water (bless him, if his body hadn't been recovered or recovered quickly it would have been even more tormenting) and my mom will get to be a volunteer search and rescue diver herself.

I don't know what I'm doing. I was supposed to go back to school to finish 8 credits but I blew it off - until January. For some reason I lost my motivation to go to law school. I want to do something else. I don't know what. I will keep praying and maybe God will show me the path.

I'd endure just about anything if I could have him back. Death is so unforgiving. A few minutes of being underwater, unconscious, and you can't come back. I've been re-reading "The Lovely Bones" and I really like the way that novel describes Heaven. The little murdered girl wonders why her dearly beloved grandparents aren't in her heaven. It's because she can't let go of watching people on Earth - her family, the investigation, her school. I like to think that Dan is here sometimes, I can almost feel him. But when he is not, he must be enjoying hot rods, powdered mountains and babes in bikinis. There must be babes in his heaven.

I am waiting to find the perfect landscape tattoo artist, and then I will get a memorial tattoo in Dan's honor. It will be a silhouette of a snowboarder popping off an impossible cliff, with a burning, brilliant variegated sunset in the background. Dan Krueger, 1986 - 2004, it will say. He was such a good brother. I'm so grateful God has shown himself to me in the blessings and messages, so I know Dan continues on and I will see him again. I just wish he could "enjoy" life. Maybe heaven has all the good parts of life and none of the bad. But you can still feel things. I mourn the loss of his feeling - he loved to feel. We all do. That Dan's opportunity was taken away makes me feel like I should make the most out of life - but I don't know what to do. I'm just saving all the money I'm earning, and being here for mom.

Thanks for caring, Lu, and I hope you all are holding up okay.

Oh man, now I'm looking at the pictures to post the link. Pictures hurt so bad. These basic ones I've seen, I can hardly bear to look at them, and trying to look at the hundreds of family photos we have in the closet is like trying to breathe underwater. I just can't do it yet.

CRY CRY CRY CRY CRY

Man, it hurts.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2004 at 3:21PM
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Brycesmommy

I cry everytime I read that poem too. And everyday like you do. First thing when I wake up and when I go to bed. And off and on in between. It is really hard to go on each day but we have to. I know what you mean by it being hard when you are alone. When my husband is working it's very hard for me being by myself. I almost think I should be going back to work just to keep myself occupied.

I can see how it would upset you that your brothers friends don't call. Bryce was with the babysitter and her friend at the lake. She loved him to death and calls all the time. It is comforting knowing she really cared. I wish she didn't feel guilty because never for one second did I blame her.

I really believe God has a plan for all of us. That's why we have to try to continue living our lives the best we can.

Good for your Mom!! I'm really glad she has found something that might make her happy. And I think you are a Godsend to her. I truly believe Dan is there with you. If you feel it in your heart that's all that matters. I feel in my heart that my baby is here with me all the time. Like you, I'm also glad God has shown himself to me otherwise I wouldn't be able to get through each day. Because of that I know I'll see Bryce again one day. I'm always trying to think of some good things I can do in his memory. Pictures are hard for me to look at too. But i am trying to figure out how to post one here for everyone to see.

It seems like we have alot in common. I'm glad I found this place to talk.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2004 at 5:35PM
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starduster

Oh, Carijo, I am so sorry. What a hansome young man. I know how deep your loss is and your feelings ... it's too soon to stop grieving.. I too have to let myself grieve. i just cant seem to stop. I will keep you and your brother in my thoughts and pray that your broken heart gets a little easier and heals a bit..

    Bookmark   August 26, 2004 at 10:32PM
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