I'm new here... I wish I wasn't
I... I don't know what to say, except I've read a few messages and perhaps here is a place I can come. Life goes on for everyone else... for me, I still want to talk about him all day, every day and I think my friends are getting distant because of it.
It's been almost a month since the accident. It could have been any one of those boys that was with him... they had all jumped off that cliff into the water many times. But it was my brother's first time. He was a very handsome and athletic 17 year old. He loved adventure. He jumped off of an 80 foot cliff and fell to his death... because he was leaned a little too far forward he was knocked out. My beautiful strong brother drowned.
And I don't know if I'll *ever* just "get the **** over it", as some in my life have so callously suggested. I can't. I lost my big brother when I was 14 (I'm 22 now). I watched him die of leukemia. I never, never thought it could happen again. I still can't believe I'm alone in this world, that both of my siblings are dead. I moved home to be with my mom and people are critisizing me for that.
I don't know, I guess I just feel so alone, like no one except her understands and I don't want to burden her with my grief, as she is nearly dead herself from a broken heart. Here's something I wrote about Dan.
"You felt the rush
The same one we felt together, suspended in the air with Mom between us
On that safe drop, the harness, then flying through the air
At first you were scared
You wouldnt pull the cord
But when we fell, you loved it
I used to play Airplane with you
My feet digging into your smaller chest
Your soaring smile above me
I love you, little brother.
When I climbed down the ice pit last summer
And couldnÂt get out
You helped pull me out with your strong arms
Your strong arms couldnÂt save yourself.
I know you were scared to jump.
But you saw it done. You saw how they landed. Feet first.
Feet first, Danny! Feet first.
"Alright guys, I gotta make this jump".
Your very last words.
And as you fell, you leaned forward
You didnÂt scream
You didnÂt scream because you didnÂt know, and so
All the way down, you felt the rush, the thrill
Expected to plunge and swim back up
So we could see your beautiful eyes open again.
Popping over that snow jump we made, you landed it every time
I saw air and shafts of sunlight between your flying body between the sky
I saw your smile
A million times I saw you,
And now I want to write every one
Must write them to remember you by.
Rather than the first, IÂll start with the last
As it torments me more than any other
Your sweet smile and gentle eyes Â NO MORE
All that filled you up inside and lighted you was gone.
I heard our fatherÂs muffled cry through the wall
And saw mom and dad backing away from your body in horror.
I went to be alone with you.
Your head was supported by no soft pillow, only a styrofoam block
You wore a hospital gown so we wouldnÂt have to see you in your swim trunks.
I pulled the gown to look at your chest.
A huge gash where they emptied all your life fluids
I know they had to do it to keep you looking good, butÂ
Since it was never meant to heal, they used such rough stitches
Like rawhide, the thickest stitches IÂve ever seen
I looked upon your face. Sweet brother, the cream was applied all over, over your orifices too
Your handsome dark eyebrows and those think eyelashes I was so jealous of
Were covered in white cream
Your eyes and mouth seemed to be lacquered shut
I know, because I touched you a lot.
Your eyes were closed, will stay closed
Those lashesresting on your creamy cheek
Your eyes looked peaceful enoughÂ
Except for the purple bruise under the left one.
But your mouth was drawn in anguish
In anguish, little brother
By the way your lips looked
I could tell you breathed in water.
Not right, itÂs not right, you didnÂt look right there
It was you, but it wasnÂt
Just the case of you
And the case was so stiff, so cold
Your hard muscles felt so different in our last embrace
I fairly laid down next to you, my head on your cold chest
My hands running through your soft, sweet smelling hair.
I wanted you to embrace me too, but your arms were stiff
Your hands sort of clenched and slightly raised from your torso
Og god Danny, no
No no no no no
And I couldnÂt goÂ I kept trying to walk away
After I covered you to the neck again with that white sheet
How you shined under the light, that ****ing cream
Made you glisten and you looked so handsome
Such a handsome young man should never be lying on a table like that. You should have come back, Danny
Why cant you come back
My tears burn like acid on my parched face
IÂd give anything to take your place
You saved my life and lost your own
DonÂt drown, Danny, donÂt drown
Hit the water right
DonÂt be scared, water is soft
The very firstÂ
They gave me a coloring book about babies
As I waited for your arrival
But you didnÂt look like the cute babies in the book
All wrinkled and fat, and noisy, you scared me
But I learned to hold you and care for you
I became a big sister when I met you".
If someone could guide me, I would like to share his picture as well.