when someone might be dying

veganhunterJuly 4, 2007

What about grief for someone who hasn't died yet? Or more accurately, grief on behalf of my youngest siblings.

On my last visit, my father looked good, but was in extremely ill sorts, and especially horrid to my 12-year-old sister. Those kids just shouldn't have to go through manipulation, control and lying around their own father's slow dying.

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alisande

What you describe is a brief glimpse of what must be a very complex situation. Hard to advise, particularly since I haven't experienced anything remotely like that.

How is their mother handling it?

Susan

    Bookmark   July 5, 2007 at 8:07AM
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berniekelly

My husband could be extremely cruel in the weeks before he died to both myself and my daughter. We didn't realise how ill he was at the time and have now been told he had brain disease as well as other things.

It explains a lot to me now and I wish I had known so that I could have been more understanding. My little girl who six thinks of it as when Daddy was sick and before he got sick. She seems to remember all the good times before he was sick and accepts that he was sick in those last weeks.

Hopefully your younger brothers and sisters will be as accepting.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2007 at 12:45PM
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veganhunter

Thank you, both.

Berniekelly, I'm so sorry that your six-year-old had to lose her daddy! It's true that I don't see and don't account for how much the illness(es) are contributing. My father was always very open about how e.g. back pain affected his moods, but I'm naive to expect the same openness and clarity now.

Susan, their/our mother (I long served as _her_ ersatz mother and am step-by-step resigning that position) seems ... almost hopeful. A few years ago, I tried to ask about practical planning, and she waxed dreamy describing how wonderful her life would be when she was widowed and single and how fabulous her sisters' lives are, since their husbands kicked their respective buckets.

My father's lack of planning =and= his control themes have gotten much more pronounced, a combination which caused some bizarre situations (guests and law enforcement involved). I asked her if she found that at all stressful, and she didn't seem to care or even find the situations embarrassing, said that's just how he's always been.

Here is a link that might be useful: my original post, which after previewing and being shocked at the length I transferred here

    Bookmark   July 5, 2007 at 4:54PM
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berniekelly

After years of this kind of thing you distance yourself - don't apologise on his behalf or 'cover up' and follow the theory that he is a grown man who has to take some responsibilty for himself. Your mother is probably doing something similar. Maybe she cannot see that he is getting worse.

As for the younger ones its hard to know, if you take it all with a pinch of salt perhaps they will too. accept that he has sick days and good days. Maybe you could talk to him on a good day you would be wasting your time on a sick day.

Hope this helps

    Bookmark   July 6, 2007 at 1:39PM
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