How are you doing with your recovery?
I wanted to check back in to see how you all are doing. I noticed we have some new posters and my thoughts and prayers go out to each of you. This is the hardest thing we will ever have to do and I speak with some authority on that.
It's been 4 months now since my wife took her own life and I feel my sons and I are starting to get back to 'normal' even though my wife (and their mother) is constantly on our minds.
I have gotten over my clingy feelings towards the boys and now allow them to go out of the house without me or go to a sleepover at a friends house without too much anxiety. Their counselor has decided that they no longer need to see her as often as before. Once a month should do it for now she says. The boys do seen to be doing very well and are able to talk to others now about mom without too much trouble.
The grade school the boys attended have put some of my wife's artwork on permanent display in the library and the president of the PTA called and asked if it would be alright to have a plaque put up with Tam's picture and some information about her. My wife insisted for years that the PTA pres. was the devil incarnate and was out to destroy us and traumatize the boys. I think it was just part of her descent into madness.
I took a bunch of coffee and donuts coupons to our fire house and cop station for the guys. We have a small, but very professional, local safety force and these guys and gals treated my wife with a huge amount of love and care when they removed her from the house and took great pains to make sure my sons were shielded from any view that could have traumatised them.
I've started to clean up the house and move some things out. Part of my wife's pathology was that she was a collector of all types of things so the house had many, many items that had no purpose for us but were in the way. Dozens of rolls of wallpaper, over two tons of rocks in the basement, eighty pair of curtains, etc. I kept some things but gave most of it to Goodwill or my church. I started to go through her clothes and packed away much of it to save for the boys. All her jewelry I moved to my safe deposit box. I don't know what I'll do with it all but maybe give it to the boys when they are adults. I don't have any girls to pass it on to.
I mentioned that at the end Tam thought the whole world and everyone in it was against her. How wrong she was. I requested donations to the Boy Scouts in lieu of flowers and so far the scouts have received thousands of dollars in her memory. Her illness didn't allow her to accurately evalutate what others thought of her. What a pity that is but I'm confident she knows now.
My mother in law continues to disappoint me but I'm biting my tongue so as to not poison the boy's relationship with their grandmother. She hasn't talked to me since the funeral except to ask for some of my wife's things. I'm not happy with what was asked for (high value items, not keepsakes) but I might not be processing MIL's requests properly myself. I won't do anything until I cool off a bit about it.
I have noticed that my friends and perfect strangers have been wonderful and have confirmed my feelings that folks are generally good and want to do the right thing. I get calls often asking if there is anything that needs to be done for myself or the boys. I put a gentle stop to all the food dishes that continued to come long after the funeral. It was very appreciated but I didn't need it anymore.
I feel a bit guilty going on with my life and being a single man instead of a married man. Not crushing guilt but conflicted. A woman I recently met at the grocery store who did not know my situation invited me to a event with her. I politely turned her down and explained I was recently widowed and it was too soon. She asked me to keep her card and call when the time was right. I have to admit I did feel a bit of interest. But then guilt.
Sorry for the long post but this really helps me.
Has anyone heard from Dave in Conn? When he last checked in he seemed to be having a tough time.
How are the rest of you?