I want my baby back.

tggrsmommyJuly 22, 2004

Why did I have to lose her? What have I done that was so bad that I deserved that? I know what I did to deserve my son being injured in his accident. I left him alone in the bathtub. I thought I would hear him if he fell. I was so wrong.

I will never have another little girl. I had my tubes tied and I can't afford to have them untied. I thought I was pg and went to the doctor yesterday (nurse practitioner) and she just made me feel like such an idiot.

I went to a concert and had a lousy evening. For what I paid, I expected to get to meet the guy. SO much for that idea. I live in a fantasy world. I was so sure God would let me have another baby...that I would see a miracle. NOT. Miracles don't happen to me. If they did, my family would have visited my kids when they were hospitalized. That didn't happen, until my mom showed up a week before Emily died, and when her funeral came up, she didn't bother to turn around to come back. Can't you tell I'm a little bitter?

I hate God right now for taking her. My only little girl. The little girl I begged for, and prayed for and hoped for years to have, and she was taken from me after less than 18 months. How is that fair? Why did he take her from me? What did I do to deserve that? What could she possibly have done to deserve cancer? What could any child have done? I was so sure she would live thru it. I was so wrong, and it hurts so much. I hate my life. I don't want to live without her, but I have two boys I have to live for. I don't want to, but they need me. I don't know why they need me right now, as I'm horrible to them, lately. I'm just so frustrated. I miss her more than anything. I can't believe what a mess my life is right now, and to top it off, my husband wants to commit me for 30 days! NOT! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!

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Jen, I know, it is so very hard. I've asked the same questions before about losing Christin. I know though, that God doesn't make bad things happen. God is all good. He allows bad things to happen somtimes and then tries to make good come from them. God has your little Emily and she is safer and happier than she could ever be here.
I know it is hard, and it is hard to understand it all. I'm not really sure that I minds can completely understand all of the "whys", and I don't think God necessarily wants us to. He wants us to put our trust in Him. To believe what He has tried to show us when He was on earth, to believe the Bible, and TRUST that He has prepared a place for all of us and that He knows best, no matter what it is.
I know you probably wonder, "Well, how could wonder how could letting little Emily die of that horrible illness be good?" I don't know the answer to that other than maybe God saved her from something worse. She was loved and cared for by you and your family.
Have you ever read the true account of the little 3 or 4 year old boy that was crushed by the electric garage door and he tells of the "birdies"? The birdies, is his name for what he saw. They were angels. He called them birdies because they could go from one place to another in the blink of an eye and he didn't know the word "angel". He had never heard it. Anyway, I'll look for the site so that you can read it, or I will type it for you, here.
Please don't let your grief for your little Emily take away from the love that you feel for your boys and your husband. The boys will most definitely recognize it and feel that they are not important. God forbid, but you know you could lose one of them today. We have no guarantees, unfortunately, that we wouldn't lose a second or third or fourth child. Try to gain stength from them. They are your only source of happiness now.
I lost my mom the day before Emily left. I miss her so much, but keep trying to trust as I'm telling you.
Believe me, I have to work on these things I'm telling you.
It's a struggle sometimes.
Jen, you may benefit from getting some psychiatric help. Many bereaved parents do. We all know that it is not an easy road to have to travel, and we know that we have to travel it for the rest of our days. It's our cross to bear and try to make the best of.
If you are hurt by what your mom did, use Emily's death to try to get to the bottom of whatever problem there is with the two of you. Talk to her about it. Let her know that you are hurt. Maybe she was so distraught that she couldn't handle it at the time. Talk to her.
If you think you are losing your faith in God, that's normal too. You haven't lost your faith, you are grieving. God can handle whatever you are feeling now, and He understands it. He is sad that you are sad. Go to Him and talk to Him.
I had an amazing thing ("sign" from God) not too long after Chris left. It all boiled down to the fact that He told me that He listens to our prayers and answers our prayers. Whenever I get doubtful, I go look at the very tangible thing that I have that signifies the message He gave me. I have found that when I am closest to God, I hear Him more and actually see and understand things that He is telling me so much clearer. When I am distant, I don't get what He wants me to know, nor do I feel peace.
I'm so sorry that you are feelings so low now. I hope that I didn't offend you in any way. My only intention is to make you feel better.
Check back, okay?

    Bookmark   July 22, 2004 at 12:08PM
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I lost my mom the day that Emily left. Not the day before.
I'm thinking of Openwindow having lost her mom the day after mine.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2004 at 12:27PM
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I don't know what to say. Words, in the face of such crushing grief, seem so inadequate. I can't really add much to what Lu said, but I'm compelled to respond anyway. Please don't give up. I know it's hard to imagine a loving and compassionate God or that He will hear and answer your prayers, but I implore you to keep trying. Vent your anger at Him. Ask the questions that have no satisfactory answers. But please keep the lines of communication open. I really believe that it is the only way we can hope to emerge from our grief and carry on.

I know nothing I say will seem like much help, right now. But I will pray for you. Love those 2 boys and be there for them.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2004 at 3:32PM
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i can only agree to what lu and bill have posted ...we all have felt that feeling of hopelessness since the death of our loved one..i know after jamie diedthere were so many days when i felt like ending it ...i didnt want to go on either...then i looked at little kole(her six year old)who we have adopted...i looked into his eyes and saw his strength...and i felt ashamed...what lu siad is true....you must trust in God..no matter how angry you are at him for taking your precious daughter...someday we will realize the meaning of what has happened and understand his plan..i too am so confused about how he could let kole who was already without his dad to lose his mom...but i realize if he can have the strength he has..how can i fall apart...ask God to give you strength to endure this tragedy....and when you feel overwelmed and angry at your sons HUG and KISS them...like lu said we are guaranteed nothing ...God bless you..terri

    Bookmark   July 22, 2004 at 5:03PM
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Jen...I am so sorry. You know that you feel this way because you loved your Emily so much...she was everything to you. Then you invested so much energy and love in helping her through her illness.
God can absorb your anger. He is there to help you get through your life, in all its permutations. Anger is normal.
About the pregnancy thing.....this is my vocation. Women who have their tubes tied are at greater risk for tubal pregnancies.IF YOU EVER THINK YOU MAY BE PREGNANT,YOU NEED A PREGNANCY TEST. You did the right thing, because a tubal pregnancy can kill you. The NP should not have made you feel badly. You did the right thing. Get the test as soon as you think you may be pregnant.
I hope you get thru this day and feel some peace tomorrow.
I agree with the good advice from Lu and Bill. (((JEN)))...Derry

    Bookmark   July 22, 2004 at 9:06PM
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I think you need professional help to overcome this problem. As a older person I see some hatred towards your boys and if you do not work on this problem, you will loose them also. Talk to a social worker, medical dr, or someone who will get you the help you need.
God will help, but HE will give you someone who will help you. Take one hour, one day at a time. Accept what you have, not what YOU WANT!!!

    Bookmark   July 24, 2004 at 12:54PM
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I do NOT hate my boys. I play with them, and love them just as much as I loved Emily, but I still want my baby girl. I wanted a girl for so long and she was spoiled by me, Daddy and her brothers. They adored her, and she was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to us. I guess I'd by lying if I said I didn't love her more, but she was my little girl. The boys loved her so much, it didn't really matter. My boys are well-loved, and well taken care of. There is no hatred towards them, but after losing my daughter, there isn't much besides them that I want to live for. I have them, and I'm grateful to have them, especially after I nearly lost my youngest to a near drowning accident. Nothing will ever make me feel better about losing my only baby girl. NOTHING. I want to be with her. Do i want to be with my boys? Yes, I do, but unfortunately, not as much as I want my little girl. The only little girl I will ever have. It's not fair that God took her from me. I didn't suffer enough when I almost lost my son? Did I not show Him my faith then when I prayed for him to spare him and thanked Him for giving him back to me? Did I not show enough faith when my daughter was ill, and I asked him to make her better? I prayed all the time, not just for Emily, but for ALL of the children suffering. I prayed, and prayed, and begged and even demanded that he couldn't have her, and He took her anyway. The only little girl I will ever have is gone, and I can't stand it. I don't have hatred towards her brothers, but I miss her more than I love them, I guess. It hurts like hell, and I want to stop hurting. I want my girl here with me. She belongs HERE, not THERE! She should be here in MY arms, not HIS! Why couldn't he wait until she had lived a full life before he took her? Why couldn't she grow up like a normal, healthy little girl, instead of having no life at all dealing with that horrible disease? It's not fair! Why did HE have to take her from me? Was I not a good enough mother? WHY? I just wish he would answer that question for me. Is it because he couldn't control her illness? Is it because she didn't belong here, or what? I'll never know, and it hurts. I'm going to hurt for a long time, but that doesn't mean I hate my boys. I love them with all my heart, but I'm hurting right now. I get frustrated with them, but that's to be expected of any parent. I do what I can with them and for them. We play together all the time. There is no hatred. Just probably not as much love as there was for her. I'm honest enough to admit it. Maybe that's why he took her from me. I don't know, and I probably never will.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2004 at 8:15PM
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I am sorry that you misunderstood me. I know you do not hate your boys. You still could use some professional help either thru a church, YMCA social service in the medical profession. We do not know why God allows the suffering to happen but he does. There may be another little girl out there who has no one who you could help sometime in the future. You did not mention a spose--that is not our business, but you need someone to confort and love you and help out.

    Bookmark   July 24, 2004 at 10:28PM
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No words, just a Big, long hug.



    Bookmark   July 25, 2004 at 4:17AM
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I do not know how you feel but being able to voice your pain....coming here where so many know that pain....don't stop...reach out....also sending you a big,long hug...praying for you. Blessings, Nora

    Bookmark   July 25, 2004 at 9:33AM
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Nell Jean

A wiser person than me wrote a whole book once in which she said there are 'No Pat Answers.'

Bad things don't happen because of any shortcomings of ours. We are not sent punishment. Bad things just happen. We can't understand why. Sometimes the 'good' that comes of a bad event is a long time being revealed; maybe not in our lifetime.

We can't imagine your pain, as you can't imagine ours. I hope it's helpful to know that we care.
Continue to express your frustration and we will be here to listen.


    Bookmark   July 25, 2004 at 9:37AM
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i felt that way after jamie died..that maybe i was being punished for something i did...i have come to realize that God doesnt work that way...everything is predestined and we just have to trust him that he will show us the why...almost 3 years later i am still searching for the why of my daughters death....i have felt that i wanted to be with her more than here....and i dont feel a bit guilty about feeling that way...i dont think it diminishes the love i feel for her little boy i am raising or my 22 year old some...it is just how i FEEL...please just ask God to get you thru this and he will....and cherish every moment you have with your boys...if it had been one of them you probably would feel the same way you are feeling now...it is unnatural to lose a child..and we as parents feel like we should have been able to stop it...all the feelings you have are normal..you just have to make sure you keep EXPRESSING them and DO NOT ACT on them because your sons need you now more than ever..remember they are also grieving for her in their own way...i will pray for you

    Bookmark   July 25, 2004 at 1:39PM
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Jen...is there a Compassionate Friends organization in your area? As I understand it, they are a group of parents who have lost their children whose purpose is to support and assist other grieving parents. It is nationwide, I believe. Look for them...a member may be able to help you get through this.
Thinking about you, Derry

    Bookmark   July 25, 2004 at 2:36PM
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i'm so sorry you are going through this i know how you feel i lost my son and there's no pain like it. it is something we will just have to learn how to live with the pain as we try to raise the other kids.
i too was very upset with god for awhile. then i realized god didn't take my son to hurt me. but i still wonder why he didn't save my son in the accident. i miss him so much.


    Bookmark   July 26, 2004 at 2:04AM
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If you will send me your email address, I'll send you the story about the "Birdies". It is really good.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2004 at 4:03PM
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Your post brought back tons of memories. We too lost a beautiful and much loved daughter. After 13 years we are OK but have learned alot. The pain is worse than anyone can imagine, and there is no antidote. Grieving takes an enormous amount of energy that comes off the top. Having others to help with your boys and their needs is vital. I went to two separate therapists both said everything I was feeling was normal [whatever the heck normal is]. The suggestion to find a Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of USA group is a great one. These are folk who have been where you are now and can help. I too was mad at God - that's my right and your right. I couldn't then, nor can I now imagine how a loving God can take a child. If that means I'm going to H... then OH Well.. Another suggestion is to keep a journal of your feelings. You are very good at expressing yourself and it's a great way to gage how you are doing, and gives you a place to put things that might seem crazy to others. My last suggestion is simply to hang on... it will get better.... it doesn't feel like it can but it will... Our daughters name is Jen....
Take Care...

    Bookmark   July 27, 2004 at 9:55PM
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Of course you don't hate your boys. You just have a special place in your heart for your little girl. I know how that is...I have 2 boys and a girl (she's my youngest). I understand exactly what you mean. I bet your boys adored their sister and miss her so much, too. She was your family's little angel. (((hugs))) to you!

    Bookmark   August 5, 2004 at 2:09AM
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