I want my baby back.
Why did I have to lose her? What have I done that was so bad that I deserved that? I know what I did to deserve my son being injured in his accident. I left him alone in the bathtub. I thought I would hear him if he fell. I was so wrong.
I will never have another little girl. I had my tubes tied and I can't afford to have them untied. I thought I was pg and went to the doctor yesterday (nurse practitioner) and she just made me feel like such an idiot.
I went to a concert and had a lousy evening. For what I paid, I expected to get to meet the guy. SO much for that idea. I live in a fantasy world. I was so sure God would let me have another baby...that I would see a miracle. NOT. Miracles don't happen to me. If they did, my family would have visited my kids when they were hospitalized. That didn't happen, until my mom showed up a week before Emily died, and when her funeral came up, she didn't bother to turn around to come back. Can't you tell I'm a little bitter?
I hate God right now for taking her. My only little girl. The little girl I begged for, and prayed for and hoped for years to have, and she was taken from me after less than 18 months. How is that fair? Why did he take her from me? What did I do to deserve that? What could she possibly have done to deserve cancer? What could any child have done? I was so sure she would live thru it. I was so wrong, and it hurts so much. I hate my life. I don't want to live without her, but I have two boys I have to live for. I don't want to, but they need me. I don't know why they need me right now, as I'm horrible to them, lately. I'm just so frustrated. I miss her more than anything. I can't believe what a mess my life is right now, and to top it off, my husband wants to commit me for 30 days! NOT! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRGH!!!!