every morning tears

amom2_2006July 11, 2006

I feel like this will never end...every morning I wake up with tears in my eyes before I even open them....I second guess all the conversations I ever had with my son...if I did enough for him while he was here...if he can really hear me...why is it that we don't show all the love we have for someone while they are here and feel such emptiness when they are gone...what did he think in the moments before his life ended? My sister got married this week end and while I was on the altar I started crying thinking I will never see my son get married...I will never see his grandchildren...he was the one that would brought his children over to see me...he was the one who showed his love for me in all the funny, quirky ways...his older brother just isn't like that and his wife is not the kind of person who will get close to me...but, I was very close to my sons girlfriend (fiance) and all the girls he had dated in his young life I always got along with...I can't stop this feeling and it is so disheartening...

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I just want you to know that after reading your post, my heart is really reaching out to you. I have three grown sons and I just have no idea how I could carry on if anything happened to one of them. I lost my husband in December, 2002 after a 10 month bout with cancer. He was only 49 when he was disgnosed. I know how you feel about the tears coming every day. Not a day goes by that I don't think of Dennis and wonder "what if?" I'm sure your son knew you loved him deeply and I'm equally sure that he does hear you talk to him. Please know that I am a good listener, if you would like to talk.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2006 at 2:41PM
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My heart just aches for you, and I wish I had some amazing words so full of wisdom they would ease your pain. I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. Your son was a wonderful person, and you enriched each other's lives while you were together. The tears and anguish will lessen over time, but they are like a fresh wound now. Take care of yourself.
Stay in touch here, let people know how you are doing.

    Bookmark   July 11, 2006 at 5:04PM
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I know the pain you feel. After my daughter, Christin, was killed she was the first thing I thought of every single morning for about 2 years. Actually, I think that even though I was sleeping, she was still somewhat aware of the loss. Of course, also during the day the thought of her and the pain was always on the forefront. As time went by, I began to focus a little better on things. It's been 8 years now and I can function better, but that pain will always be with me. Christin was my only daughter and we were extremely close. There is such a void. I always felt so fortunate to have a daughter and even today I was thinking how fortunate I was to have her for almost 20 years. Some people never have that pleasure. I try to focus on remembering that I will see her again someday. What a GLORIOUS day that will be!!!

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   July 11, 2006 at 7:30PM
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All the things you wrote I feel exactly the same as you do, I lost my only daughter on the 28th of may, and she died alone, I feel so guilty about that, of course realisticly I had no idea she had died earlier that day, her boyfriend said goodbye in the morning and he found her when he came home from work.
It was not unusual for us to only see her once a week, and talk on the phone a couple of times a week, she was very independent and I wasn't pushy, she was 23 and I let her lead her own life.
I think we feel guilty about lots of things, even if we don't need to feel guilty!
Her boyfriend of 6 years is devastated and he feels guilty for going to work that day, but he didn't know this was going to happen? we still don't know the cause of her death, toxocology results are still pending.
The long wait is torture.
I also feel sad that I never see her get married and have children, all that is gone now.
I am sure your son can hear you, I speak to my daughter all the time and I am aware of her precence around me.
I wish I could give you some comforting words, but I know that words don't help much, we have to go through this grieving process, and I know I will take as long as I need to get through it.
Please take care

    Bookmark   July 17, 2006 at 1:44AM
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I lost both of my parents last year. My father in July and my mother on the 26th of December, both had cancer. I missed them very much, I am the youngest and both parents lived with me, my husband and my three children. My parents said that the worst pain of all is for the parents to see their child go first. I guess we will never forget them and maybe the pain won't go away but at least we know that they will never be forgotten. I am working on my mom's garden and it does take so much not to break down and cry. My father passed away at home but my mother passed away in the hospital, I just missed her by 3 minutes. I really missed them so much but thank God for my family, they are the best support system I have, although, I still feel that I have not done enough for them or took them for granted while they were with us - my only consolation is that they are in a better place and they know that I love them both so much. And I do know that they love me too.

    Bookmark   July 17, 2006 at 1:59PM
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Nell Jean

After a while, it's different.
The lump in your throat gets smaller and you can eat again.
The tears come less frequently, but just as quickly and unexpectedly.
The longing doesn't go away.
The better memories never fade.

Nobody else can imagine how you feel, but some of us recognize what you describe about your feelings.

Tomorrow is three years.


Here is a link that might be useful: Gary

    Bookmark   July 17, 2006 at 6:06PM
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We haven't heard much from you Foxesearth. Good to see you checking in still. I believe your words are always so helpful to others.


    Bookmark   July 17, 2006 at 9:04PM
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All I can say is just take small steps and try to focus on the now and not the future.......I know my daughter was 13 when she passed away and sometimes that future looms so big in front of me! All the things she won't do.....but I have another daughter who is 18....what a blessing she is to me and has always been! When I say small steps, I mean just look at each day......don't focus on the future quite so much right now......and we have to get THROUGH each day, there's no going around it! You will get better, the pain will get softer, you will be able to appreciate the wonderful memories of your son without them being quite so painful. Be kind to yourself, and accept your feelings too, your loss was so recent. I feel like I'm rambling, sorry if it doesn't make sense!

    Bookmark   July 20, 2006 at 1:11AM
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