My Pain of loss

applebeesJuly 27, 2005

im a 15 year old boy and my mom passed away a week ago..

she was 44 and i loved her so much. we did everything together - like sking camping, and so many other things. she was my best friend. She had a bad advanced cancer.. she had breast cancer and had her chest removed. they took a scan and found our it was on her liver. =/ this was febuary. None of the chemos have worked on it.. so a nieghbor told us about B17 a vitamin in mexico ( to tell you the truth it works- it killed her 2 big tumors on her liver, but her liver was already damaged before we knew about it, and then she had to get a blood transfution which we also didnt know makes cancer spread very quickly.)

All the tumors in her body vanished, her liver was getting better but since the B17 kills cancer, it killed 2 huge tumors on her liver and so since they were dead, the body doesnt keep them so it started pushing out of her skin makin her in pain. Thats when everything went wrong casue we didnt know that you couldnt get a blood transfution..

I was visting her everyday in the hospital for about 4 weeks, and my dad steped out to the cafiteria, her breathing was slowing down(she hadnt spoke much the past 3 days) and she started breathing once every 10 seconds. i started panicking and kept telling her to breath

you dont know how i was braking down there- maybe some do but to myself i feel like anyone that has to go through that doesnt want to live

her hands felt cold and i screamed for a nurse and she didnt feel a pulse and she shook her head

i was histeraly crying i could believe it


im in such a bad depression right now

and im listening to the songs we used to sing together-

i didnt realize how many people get what they call "visiting" dreams! i had them for 4 days in a row- i think thats whats keeping me living to see her everynight

im sorry its so long, and I usually dont write this poorly..i was just "caught up in the moment..sorry

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I'm so sorry you've had to go through that. Losing someone you were so close to is especially hard because we miss them so MUCH. We miss the things we used to do together, the laughs, that wonderful feeling that we're completely at ease with this person, and they understand us so well.

But when you lose a relationship like this, you have no regrets. You don't mourn the fact that you never got close to them, or let them know how much you loved them. In reading your post, the first thing I thought was this is what every mother wants. Not to leave her child, of course, but to have the kind of relationship with him that you describe. Every mother would want her son to think of her as his best friend. Honestly, relatively few do.

You were a great blessing to your mother, and you still are. It's wonderful that she is coming to you in dreamsÂand so quickly and so often. You can be sure that she's with you during the day, too.

Do you have siblings to share this experience with? I lost my mother when I was nine, and I was an only child. I hope you will write about your momÂperhaps start a journal just for this purposeÂso you will have this when you're much older. It will be something you'll treasure, and perhaps something you'll share with your children as well.

I hope you'll stick around here as long as you need to.


    Bookmark   July 27, 2005 at 7:40AM
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My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2005 at 11:10AM
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Dear young man, I'm so glad you posted here. It's very important to communicate your feelings any way you can.

The time during your mother's illness was a very traumatic and difficult time for you. I'm not your age but did lose my mother 2 years ago, and I remember how tough those days were.

Wow, you were so very fortunate to have had such a wonderful, active and loving mother. I know you were a great joy to her. Mothers who are willing to spend so much time with their children are very, very special.

My heart just aches for you in this crushing loss. Please talk with friends and family about your feelings, and keep posting here because there are many wonderful people here who really care and can offer helpful suggestions.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2005 at 5:24PM
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Applebees. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Especially at such a young age. You are very lucky to be having visits from her. Definitely take that as her being with you as she always will be. Some people are very unfortunate & don't get that. It took a long time before I had a dream with my son but I do now & I know it helps me ALOT. You sound like you have been an amazing son who has always been there for her. She left knowing that you loved her more than anything & that makes a huge difference. My prayers will go out for you & I hope you gain strength each day. Never hesitate to come here to let out your feelings & thoughts. I does help to talk about it & it will get easier.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2005 at 9:20PM
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I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom and also what you had to witness at the end of her life. I was also with my mom when she died, but as bad as it was, I'm glad I was there. You may feel the same way.
As hard as it is now without your mom, always remember the wonderful relationship that you two had and how much your mom loves you. You will miss her terribly at times and sometimes even feel that you can't go on in this life, but your mom gave you life and wants you to have a happy one.
I'm so glad that you have gotten visits from your mom since she has left. That is such a blessing. My mom has been gone since June of last year and I haven't gotten a visit yet. I want one badly and I know that I will eventually get one from her.
This is a great place to come, so don't hesitate when you need to "talk". I hope that we can help you.
I lost my 19 year old daughter also. You may want to "meet" her.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   July 29, 2005 at 6:57PM
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I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. It is difficult to see someone you love in pain. You are a wonderful son and she was lucky to have you in her life. I am sure you brought her a great deal of happiness and you probably also brought her comfort when she needed it. I think it is wonderful that you are able to express yourself and your very personal feelings. Always remember that your mother would want you to be happy and live your life to the fullest.

    Bookmark   July 30, 2005 at 6:23PM
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I am so sorry.

I'd like to tell you about my own mother. Her dad died when she was only 13, her boyfriend died when she was 17 then her mom died when she was 18.

In spite of these tragedies she moved on. She has had a good life, a career, marriage and even raised a child (me!)

You will have a good life too, in spite of this very painful loss.

Of course it hurts terribly now, but you will find the strength to get through these hard times and face the future.

Your mom's physical body could not continue, but, in spirit, she will always be a part of your life.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2005 at 1:53AM
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thank you everyone =)
all these coments are makin me feel so much stronger.
I thank all of you. He is a mini photo album i made of our digital camera
and then our big album is here-

also, some of the dreams i had were great. my first dream i had was when she was still alive i think 2 days before she passed. It was about her getting up out of her hospital bed and started walking up and down the stairs to excercise her legs from not moving for so long-
she looked like the beautiful lady she always was and she said hold up im gonin to change
she came out looking so perfect like her hair looked like mariah carey =P and stuff and she always liked to party
so me and her walked the streets holding hands and laughing casue we always made each other laugh - then we partyd the whole night and i woke up laying next to her in the hospital chair.

Here is a link that might be useful: Album

    Bookmark   July 31, 2005 at 3:34PM
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applebees- what a wonderful photo album, thanks for sharing. It looks like you and your mom had alot of fun together. My mom died when I was 19 so I know how you feel. Even though I still miss her very much, I feel lucky that I got her for 19 years, and I know she is still around (as is your mom). No matter where a mom is, they always watch over their kids.

    Bookmark   July 31, 2005 at 6:09PM
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Applebees, you have a wonderful looking family. Looks like a lot of love there, to me. The death of our parents is hard, no matter what age we are when we lose them. I'm sure being a teenager and dealing with it is horrific.

Come back and talk anytime. ((Applebees))

    Bookmark   July 31, 2005 at 7:50PM
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Your mom was beautiful! Always know she's an angel now watching over you! I can tell you have a very loving family. Take care of yourself & stay strong!

    Bookmark   July 31, 2005 at 10:12PM
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Your mom is beautiful!! (And so are the rest of you.) She looks so young. You can see the love and enthusiasm she had inside her. Do you live near Astoria? I grew up in Woodside...we spent all our money in Astoria, on Steinway Street.

The best thing I can tell you is to live your life as your mom would want. I try to do that myself, living as my daughter would want me to.


    Bookmark   July 31, 2005 at 11:21PM
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your kidding right? lol
we used to live in astoria 3 years ago- 36street-31 ave.
2 blocks away from stienway! lol i still shop there haha
im goin there tommarow i need some more cloths
we moved out to the hamptons-. livin life on the water =)
but i still miss it..

    Bookmark   August 1, 2005 at 12:46AM
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Your mom had a beautiful smile and a sparkle in her eye! She looked so happy. You gave her a great gift--your friendship. There is a lot of wisdom posted in the messages you have received. Good luck to you.

    Bookmark   August 1, 2005 at 2:52PM
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Applebees -
Ask about a meeting group for teens who have lost a parent. Being with others who have been in the same boat helps you get a handle on your feelings.

People or organizations to ask: the hospital would have a person they call the "ombudsman" the local American Cancer Society, the minister or rabbi for any local church ... even a school counselor.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2005 at 9:22AM
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I'm really sorry to hear about your loss. Losing your mama is so hard, and is only made harder when they pass far too young.

Just remember that she is never that far from you.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2005 at 3:06PM
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I am so sorry to hear that you have lost your mother. I lost my mother recently too and also my father this year to cancer too, leukemia. I was with my parents when they died and it was pretty scary for me. I miss my parents every day. There is so much that I want to show them and tell them. But I am so glad that I had them as parents and wouldn't have traded our time together for anything in the world.
I also wanted to tell you that I have three children. My two boys are 12 and 7 and my daughter is 3. The way you talked about your mother really touched me. It is my LIFE'S GOAL to be loved and adored by them the way you have your mother. I cherish my children and would do anything for them - run into a burning building, climb the highest mountain, lay in front of a train if I needed to -to protect them. They are my greatest accomplishment. I know your mother felt that way about you. What a good son you have been. She will always be with you. Just whisper her name.

    Bookmark   August 2, 2005 at 9:47PM
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Thank you Joanie38
Your post is one of my favorties now. When ever I get depressed i think what you and what the rest of you good will'd people said, but when you said "Its MY LIFES GOAL" that made me feel like me and my mom had a special relationship. And i know your kids probably feel the same way just embarrased to show it.
This may seem cheesy, but ive noticed something since the day she passed. Whenever I wear her necklace that she passed away with ( its a little silver cross) i have a dream about her...
I noticed this because when she passed away i had her necklace on for 5 days after- and as i said i have 5 dreams in a row.
2 nights ago i put on the necklace like an hour i went to sleep, no reason, i just feel comfortable wearing it, and the last 2 nights i had dreams. Then it all came to me, i took it off today and i didnt have a dream of her..

    Bookmark   August 18, 2005 at 11:34AM
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I'm so glad you took what Joanie said to heart. I feel exactly the same way as she does. I have three children, and when I lost one (she was 25) it meant the world to me when people told me she things she had said about me, how much she loved me, how aware she was of my love. I'm lucky that my daughter had a gift for expression. I have a pretty full life, but nothing means as much to me as how well I mother my children, no matter what their age, and how they feel about me.

No, I wasn't kidding about Woodside and Steinway Street! I think if I lived in the Hamptons I wouldn't miss Astoria. I spent my childhood summers in Sag Harbor and loved everything about it, mostly the water. Beautiful area.


    Bookmark   August 18, 2005 at 2:27PM
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Thank you for your kind words applebees. I'm glad that you are doing better and having dreams about your mom.

    Bookmark   August 25, 2005 at 2:56PM
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Haha. I know.. i love the hamptons too, I was just missing some friends.
I was going to move to Sag Harbor, but my family found a house on the water ;) its bueatiful.
And your welcome Joanie

    Bookmark   September 4, 2005 at 6:30PM
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Applebees, I am so sorry for your pain. My dad died last year of cancer. I was 40 and still felt way too young to lose a parent. My heart is breaking for you! The absolute best tribute you could give your mom is to be a kind, compassionate, honest human being and it certainly looks like you are off to a grand start. Hugs to you and I am so sorry for your pain and loss.

    Bookmark   September 5, 2005 at 8:27PM
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