bitterness, anger & guilt
My mom passed away unexpectedly in April (my dad 3yrs before). Losing the last parent is even worse. Mom had a short illness and was getting better. She died of something unrelated while I was enroute to see her. I cannot ever forgive myself for not being there for/with her. I am so angry at myself about that. I miss her so much my heart shatters non-stop. Thing is I can't stand to talk about my mom to anyone or have folks even give me condolences. My grief is so intense and private, I don't want anyone else to be a part of it. Here's the other thing - both my husbands parents are still alive and I often catch myself thinking horrible thoughts like, why wasn't it one of them? Why did both my parents have to die? They didn't deserve it! Why not my in-laws when all they do is sit around all day? My parents were wonderful, healthy, active people. Why them??? I feel so bitter. Then after the guilt and feeling like such an evil person for thinking such things, I feel the rage all over again. I know I'm just a jumble of raw emotions. I can't even seem to muddle through it at all. I don't know what to do. Everyday is so painful.