bitterness, anger & guilt

author62July 19, 2007

My mom passed away unexpectedly in April (my dad 3yrs before). Losing the last parent is even worse. Mom had a short illness and was getting better. She died of something unrelated while I was enroute to see her. I cannot ever forgive myself for not being there for/with her. I am so angry at myself about that. I miss her so much my heart shatters non-stop. Thing is I can't stand to talk about my mom to anyone or have folks even give me condolences. My grief is so intense and private, I don't want anyone else to be a part of it. Here's the other thing - both my husbands parents are still alive and I often catch myself thinking horrible thoughts like, why wasn't it one of them? Why did both my parents have to die? They didn't deserve it! Why not my in-laws when all they do is sit around all day? My parents were wonderful, healthy, active people. Why them??? I feel so bitter. Then after the guilt and feeling like such an evil person for thinking such things, I feel the rage all over again. I know I'm just a jumble of raw emotions. I can't even seem to muddle through it at all. I don't know what to do. Everyday is so painful.

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The anger you feel is very normal. I lost my Dad in 2005 unexpectedly. Since then I dont like to go to my husbands family outings, dinners even to visit. I can relate to you because i wasnt with my dad when he died either. He died alone at 68 from a stroke. We were very close. I had a hard time dealing with not being there by his side but we had no idea he was gonna die that morning. I guess everything happens in the order its suppose to. I dont think my dad couldve died in peace if he saw us there sobbing and begging him to stay. I cant stand that my husbands parents are still here either, it is nothing against them it just doesnt seem fair. You will go through all different emotions. You will feel at times like you lost your mind. I am at almost 2 years and I still dont want anyone to talk about my dad to me. You are right to say that it is a very personal expierence and private. Deal with things in your own way and dont be beating yourself up over things you have no control over. Your mom wouldnt want that for you. Try to get yourself back on schedule, as hard as it is, you need to do that for your own emotional health. I will pray for you. Laugh when you can and cry when you need to but please dont give up on yourself. We are all a part of a master plan and in the end I figure we will all get the answers we so desperately need. Wishing you the best one day at a time.

    Bookmark   July 19, 2007 at 10:37AM
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I understand the feelings of loss ,anger,rage .I'm just speaking for myself when I say ,the selfishness that goes along with not wanting to share the pain of my loss when I lost my mother ,who was only 54 ,when she died.I was afraid that once I started sharing ,I'd start crying and that once I started crying I wouldn't be able to stop.My mother was a very active person .So,I asked why I was still here?Wouldn't it make sense that I would be more deserving of death ?All I did was work for the most part .My father is still living ,but he is the classic narcissist .I asked,why I'm left with him as a surviving "parent".I didn't want him dead .I just wanted to know why I was left with a parent that doesn't know what love is.The only instance that I can think of where someone would deserve death is if they are trying to harm or kill someone else and the perpertator was killed in a case of self defense.One thing I am 100% sure of is that everyone living will die .
You were enroute to see your mother and although you were n't there physically ,you were there spiritually.Believe me as long as it was your intention to be with your mom ,on some level you were right there with her.
Get some one- on- one therapy because I found that the more you don't actively deal with grief and loss the more grief and loss drags you down .I can't tell you of all the personal losses I've suffered as a result of years of ignoring my emotions unless they pounced upon me unexpectedly when I wasn't able to wrestle them into a choke hold and cut them off.
When you look at your in-laws try not to look at them as unworthy of life because that is a harsh judgement.Try to think about the fact that you wouldn't want anyone ,especially,your husband to feel the hurt of the broken heart that you feel.

    Bookmark   October 16, 2007 at 12:16PM
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I hope you are feeling somewhat "better" - beware of the holidays. My parents are now both gone. When Mom died I was so angry at Dad because he was in bad health and everyone thought HE would die - he lived another 4 years and just died in May. I hate it that it's only my husband's family around now - it's not the same as having your own mother around, that feeling of being so connected. I would tell you to please not think you are a bad person. You have had a profound loss in your life that will affect all you think or do for at least a year. What you're feeling is completely acceptable. It's not like you're going to go out and hurt your in laws - you just want back what you've lost and there's nothing wrong with that. My other girl friends who've lost their Mom say the same types of things - you're not terrible at all. You miss your parents is all, and they knew you loved them, and you were with them when they died in your heart. Give yourself a break.

    Bookmark   October 23, 2007 at 1:33PM
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