My father

kolyisraelJuly 22, 2007

My father died from lung cancer on 7/2/07. I didn't know he had died until ten days after his death nor did I know he was sick. I read online that my father had died. He was only 65. I had not spoken to my father in four years because he refused to speak with me. I would call him and he would hang up on me. I loved my father more then anythinghe was my only parent. My father was angry at me because I let my teen children (14, 15, 16 years old) live with their father when we got a divorce after 21 years. My children preferred living with their father because they wanted to stay in the school they have always attended and because of their friends. I was hurt by my childrenÂs choice but I felt I should let them choose.

I loved my father so muchÂI canÂt believe he did this to me. He told my only sister not to tell me he was sick or died. Now I have to wonder all my life whether he loved me or not. ItÂs obvious he wanted me to hurtÂor else he wouldnÂt have done this. He knew by not telling me that I would be hurt all my life. I donÂt think I can forgive my sister for not telling me because I never got to see my father again. I have no closer.

IÂve been depressed all my lifeÂmy mother abandoned my sister and I when I was 7 yrs old. I grew up depressed because of this and mean step mothers who abused us. But this with my father is the worse. I donÂt know how IÂll get over this IÂm depressed and suicidal at times. My father meant so much to meÂIÂll never understand how he could hurt me this way. I would give anything to have my father back.

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Koly, I can't help but wonder what kind of a childhood and early life your father had. The reasons for his behavior are undoubtedly too complex to be sorted out at this point, but when you think about his failed marriage to your mother, being left with young children to raise, and poor choices in subsequent marriages, you can see that the bitterness and frustration evident in his behavior toward you had been building for a long timefrom sources that had nothing to do with you.

I believe counseling could help you enormously, and I hope you'll find yourself a good one.

Best of luck,


    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 9:41AM
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Susan thank you for replying to me. I have made this post on other forums and no one would reply. I just need someone to talk to and tell me that it's not my fault that this has happened to me. I'm so devastated's only been a week or so since I found out my father died but I cant sleep and I cant stop crying...I miss my father so much. At one time I was the apple of my fathers eye...I just cant believe how things changed between my father and I.

When I found out he died I called my sister and she was mean to me. She wouldn't tell me anything. I asked her why are you treating me bad and she said cause your a bad mother like our mother and that I had abandoned my children. Which is not true and I tried to tell her that she was wrong but she wouldn't listen and she said I had no right to know anything about my father. My sister has always resented me because when we were teens I had to help raise her and she was also jealous of my relationship with my father.

Every since my divorce I have been made into a bad mother. I'm so tired of my dad and my sister and my ex husband making me feel bad about myself. I don't bother people...I stay to myself because I am extremely shy but this has gotten me into trouble. My sister and my ex husband gossip and lie about me. I don't understand why people feel the need to beat someone down.

My grandma and my Aunt knows what happened with the divorce and they agree I did the right thing and they agree I didn't abandon my children. I don't know why I have this guilt...but I'm tired of having it. Again my children were teens...14, 15, 16. My lawyer said that if the kids wanted to go with their father and the father was found fit that he would get the kids because of the kids age.

My life is such a mess. I don't know what to do to fix it. I cant afford a therapist but I'm going to pray more and I hope G-d will hear me. Please pray for me. I know I sound like I'm ranting. Thanks again Susan GBU

    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 6:50PM
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Koly, I am so sad to read your story. My condolences on the death of you father, I wish it could have been better for you. I don't know where you live but many places if you go to your local Public Health Office they can find you a counselor who will see you and charge you on a sliding scale which means they will only charge you what you can afford. Give it a try. You have a very heavy burden and I am sure that a priest or minister would be happy to talk to you. I know that you did what was best for your children and no one should judge you for that. I want you to know that you will be in my prayers, along with every one else on this forum, never forget that when it seems you have no one on your side you will have Jesus and he knows what you are going through, let him help you.

    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 7:52PM
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Thank you mav63 it means so much to me...all your kind words. I like this forum allot...many nice people. GBU

    Bookmark   July 22, 2007 at 8:35PM
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Koly - hang in there. Please know you have my deepest sympathy on the passing of your father. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you or better yet a magic wand to make all the pain go away.

Mavis' advice is good - see if there is some method by which you can discuss your feelings of guilt and betrayal with someone with a friendly ear.

Just talking to us here will be helpful I think so stay in touch and let us know how you are doing.

I'll pray for you and your situation also. God will hear you - He hears all prayers. Lay your problems and fears at the feet of God.

I think those of us who suffer and grieve greatly are selected for a special purpose. That purpose remains a mystery and is not clear many times. Perhaps it is that we are to show compassion for those in worse straits than us.

Who knows - but you aren't alone here.

Best wishes and prayers,

    Bookmark   July 23, 2007 at 8:49AM
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Thank you Doc for all your kind and wise words. They mean allot to me and thank you for the prayers. I will stay in touch...I cant believe how kind people are on this site. I'm grateful I found this place. All of you have really helped me allot.

Again thank you so much.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2007 at 11:33AM
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Nikki, I can't add anything to what's been said, but just know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Please heed what Susan said. Given your Dad's history, I think his anger and bitterness were started long ago and had nothing to do with you. You were just an easy target. That doesn't make it hurt less, but just know that the decisions you made were the right ones for you and your family.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2007 at 12:26PM
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sudiepav...Thank you for the kind words...they mean so much to me. I feel so much better. I felt like no one was on my side...I feel different now thanks to all of you. I know I have a long road to go but all of you are helping me so much...Im so grateful.

    Bookmark   July 23, 2007 at 1:18PM
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Hi Koly,
It has been 40 days since my husband shot himself in the backyard of the house out of panic for hurting me. I couldn't do too much to change things. I have been dragging my pain and my guilt since then. I thought I was strong enough and that I could live through this fine, that I would not need any pills to keep me going. I hate pills, I don't take any medications, but for few days now I can't sleep. I now it is my guilt that is haunting me. His death will change my life forever and I will have to learn to stand up and walk again. I try to keep myself busy, do some exercise, cook for myself, and try to keep connected with reality (read/watch news). I will start an anti-depression treatment. I am embarrassed for being weak, but I just can't deal with this alone. The doctor says that it is necessary to protect the brain and help it to get out of the stress and the trauma. Please go and seek help. Please join a group to talk about your feelings. Your father probably had problems that were there before you came to his life. My husband had problems that he could not overcome in 50 years. You cannot blame youself for the rest of your life; you are the living being now and you need to take care of yourself. This forum has helped me very much in recovering during these critical weeks. Please let us know how are you doing.

    Bookmark   July 27, 2007 at 11:35PM
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Im very sorry to hear about your husband. Like you I try to keep busy so I dont have to think about what my father and sister did to me. I found out a few days ago that when my father found out he had cancer that he took me out of his will two weeks before my birthday. This makes me feel like I meant nothing to my father. I dont know how a parent could do this to a child. No matter what my child did I would never do this to them. I would want my child to have closure.

My father always seemed the happy go lucky type. He had many friendsmy father was liked very much. Growing up it seems like I could never please my father no matter how hard I tried. He was harder on me then he was my sister. I have no clue why. My father was married and divorced four times so Im thinking maybe you guys are right that my father had some issues. Its hard for me because I had always put him on a petal stool and never thought about how my father was emotionally or mentally.

Now that my father is dead I feel like Im all alone in my life. I have three children (whom I dont get to see because their fathers new wife and two of my kids are 18 and 19 and are to busy for me or their father. lol) and a new husband for 4 years now and my mother who came back into my life when I was 21. My mother is not a good mother. Since shes been in my life she has done many bad things to me that are unbelievable.
When my mother abandoned us it was very hurtful because she left us late at night all alone. I was only 7 and my sister was 3. I cried for my mother not to leave but she sat on top of me and slapped my face and then held her hand over my mouth so I wouldnt cry. She left with two men and got drunk in a bar. While she was out I went next door and woke up the neighbors to call my father. My father came and when we were leaving my mother came backshe ran into my fathers pickup and shot at the truck with a gun. Anyway in the end my father got custody of us girls. I only saw my mother 3 times after that until I was 21. I hated her because I grew up depressed without a mother. I had 3 step mothersall but one was mean to us. They would hit us and degrade us. When my mother came back into my life I was angry at her and didnt want anything to do with her but I felt guilty and gave her another chance. Big mistake. She abandons me over and over as a mother. I have now come to conclusion that I will never have a mother figure in my life. It hurts me. My husband is shocked by my mothers behavior Matter of fact my mother was part of the reason my father was so angry with me. She had told my father something that had made him feel like I abandoned my children. Im not sure what she said to him. My mother has done some unbelievable things and I dont have much to do with her because Im tired of her hurting me.

I have so many issues and dont know where to turn or get help. I feel as if Im helpless. I am extremely shy to a point it hurts. I often think of suicide. I really have nothing to live for and Im slowly loosing faith in G-d. I dont want to be this way because I do love G-d. Its just hard to believe sometimes because of all the bad things happening to me. I have suffered all my lifeonly time I was happy was when my children were little and my marriage was good. But that was only for a short time. But I know Im not the only one who suffers but I do feel like I cant handle life anymore.

This forum has helped me allot. Again Im very sorry for your loss and I hope things will get better for you. Pucky I dont think you are weakyou have allot to deal with and if medication helps then that is great. Your concern for me makes me feel better. Thank you for caring about me when you are having trouble also. May G-d bless you and may his light always shine on you.

Sorry for rambling on...

Thank you

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 4:20PM
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The folks in this group have ALL LOST A LOVED ONE, and are very supportive.

I went through a similar situation with my foster mother. She didn't want anyone to tell me she was ill or that she had died. I made my usual monthly call to her(I lived in another state), and the phone was answered by a friend. I asked to speak to Mom. I was told she had died three days before!

When I asked the friend why I hadn't been called, I was told that Mom was upset that I didn't come home and help take care of Dad when he was dying of prostate cancer. He died several YEARS prior to her death, so she harbored those ill feelings all those years. I didn't come home because I had my OWN FAMILY to take care of!

We can't do anything about the actions of another person - all we can do is be the best we can be. I can't tell which state you live in, but there is a national Mental Health Hotline AND a STATE mental health hotline. Call any one of those numbers, and you will receive FREE help.

God bless you, and keep us informed of how you are getting along - we really DO CARE ABOUT YOU!

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 6:06PM
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Kay THANK YOU so much for the INFO. I'm sorry this happened to you also. Knowing that I am not the only one this has happen to makes me feel not so alone. Its so sad that people are willing to hurt others in this manner knowing that it will effect us all our life. I'll never understand why some people feel the need to hurt others like this. I could never do that to anyone. Again Im so sorry you went through this too...I'm sorry for all that you lost. Thank you for caring about me. This site has helped me so much....I'm so grateful I found it. May G-d bless you and yours. Shalom

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 6:28PM
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Nikki, call me cold-hearted if you like, but I didn't let it bother me for very long. If someone wants to act that way, who am I to judge them or fret over their decision - I did what I had to do at the time, and that's that! What's done is done and I simply didn't have the time nor energy to worry about it for very long.

Did I feel guilty? No. Why? Because I had left home, made a family of my own, and when you make that kind of commitment, you don't just leave at the drop of a hat. My three little guys were just that - little. They needed me, and my husband traveled with his job, so they needed me even more.

My mom had tons of friends who came in to help her, so she was ok. She just felt the need to control, and I wouldn't play.

Take time to think this through - it doesn't matter what your Dad's reason was - it was his decision. You can't be mad at your sister for doing what he asked her to do. I believe everything happens for a reason, and we may not understand, but we must accept things for what they are.

I just lost my dear husband, in April of this year, to pancreatic cancer. Could I have changed the events? No. Why? Because decisions made by others affected the outcome, and I had nothing to do with those decisions. I had to accept the result of those decisions, like it or not.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 8:45PM
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Nikki - I've been pondering your posts about your Dad and this is my $.50 diagnosis of him. (I'm not a MD by the way) He most likely was projecting all his hurt caused by your mother onto you. That's why you couldn't please him as a child. Maybe in his mind, he may have even thought you were her.

I could be completely wrong - but Kay's ideas about holding on to why someone did something are right on the money. You can't trouble yourself as to why someone did something. They may not even know themselves - how could you know?

I think all your feelings are normal given what you have had to endure. Better days will come back but it may not seem like it right now.

Pucky, while I understand why you feel weak, you aren't at all. It takes real guts to write your feelings here even though we are anonymous to each other.

For all of us that struggle - in survival training the instructors will tell you that when you start to think you can't go on anymore to challenge yourself to live ONE MORE DAY. Just one more - I can do that can't I? Just one more. Tomorrow will be better.

Please take care of yourself and know my prayers are with you all.


    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 9:48PM
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I don't feel guilty for what my father did...but I do feel hurt and angry and shocked. And I don't think you should feel guilty for staying home and taking care of your kids...Your mother should have understood that your children must come first.

As far as my sister...I know in the future I'll forgive her because I know G-d ask this of me but it will be hard because she took something from me that I can never get back. I know it was my fathers choice but if I had been my sister I would have told her about my father being sick. If he got mad at me for this then I would have dealt with it but to take my fathers last days from her is beyond anything I could do. I'm so mad at her. I haven't spoken with her in years because she resents me for having to take care of her when we were teens. I feel like she did this to get back at me.

I know I have to accept this...theres nothing I can do about it. I just have to start a new life some how.

I'm sorry about your husband that must have been very hard for you.

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 9:56PM
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Doc thank you for your kind words and advice. I appreciate it so much. What you said about my father...I think you may be correct. I have wondered about that myself.

And you guys are right...I need to stop wondering why. Its something Ill never know.

Doc...I'm sorry you lost your wife. Thank you for your prayers. All of you will be in mine also.

Thanks again

    Bookmark   July 28, 2007 at 10:53PM
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