Missing my mother desperately

pollyprocrastinatorJune 24, 2006

My mother died two months ago, quite unexpectedly, from a brain hemmorage. The fortunate/unfortunate part of her death was I had spent the afternoon with her the day that she died. I left her house at 4pm and by at 10pm she called me to let me know she had called 911 and was being taken to the hospital. That was the last conversation I had with her. She seemed fine when I was with her -- no confusion, slurred speech or any of the indicators I have read about on the web. While I know in my head that there was nothing I could do to stop it, I keep running through "what if" scenarios in my head -- wondering if there was something I missed, or if there was some way I could have helped her. I know this is all normal and part of the grieveing process, still I can't seem to let myself move past this part. I know I'm not alone in this, and would welcome thoughts/reflections from others. I hope it will help me better accept the death of my mother -- who was also my best friend.

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Sorry to hear about your loss. My dad died unexpectedly in Nov 2005 of a brain hemmorage also. They said there was nothing they could do at that point, I wanted to die with him. I was with him the nite before and he was fine. In the morning he went to the hospital and by the time we arrived there, he was on a respirator. It was the worse day of my life. I searched the internet for answers and what ifs, but there is none. I cant say time heals all wounds, and its funny because that is what I always would tell others who were grieving, until I went thru it myself. I miss my dad very much, he was only 68 and he was my best friend. I wish I coould relive the last time I saw him alive ,then maybe I could save him. I really dont know if there is an easy fix, because if there is, I would have paid with my right arm and leg to get it. Try to remember all the good stuff about your mom and how much she loved you and would want you to go on to live a happy life, afterall, that is what all parents want for there children. Cry or scream if you have to and let it out, it just shows the love you have for them is strong. They never really leave us, they are very much alive within us. I get angry then cry then ask God why now, why him ? I am sure they are looking down from heaven on us and guiding our every step just like they did when they were here. I know one thing for sure, the love never dies or stops. They are waiting for us oon the other side and oh what a reunion that will be. I know exactly how you feel, you just wish you could have helped them. I too relive that dreadful day my dad passed everyday i wake up. I dont know if its normal or not, but I cant help it. I hope and pray one day we all can get in that exceptance stage. People tell me that it takes time. I guess they dont know what else to say. I will keep you in my prayers and please pray for me too. I hoped this helped you.

    Bookmark   June 25, 2006 at 5:28PM
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I don't go on this forum too much as it moves rather slowly, but I saw your post and wanted to express my sympathy about your mother's passing. Unfortunately, we share much in common. My mother was also my best friend, and she died very suddenly, also of a brain hemorhage.

She was on vacation with my family and at the end of a busy day, she mentioned feeling a bit tired and would try to have a nap before dinner. She seemed her normal self and mentioned nothing else other than feeling a bit tired. As I was helping her pull back the bedspread and get settled, she just suddenly slumped over and could not be revived by either my DH or myself who both know CPR, or the paramedics when they arrived.

Her death was so unexpected as she was only 70, but the only positive feeling I could muster out of it was that it was almost instantaneous and she apparently didn't suffer. However, I can totally relate to your feelings of "what if" and so forth, as I went through the very same thing. I kept thinking that if I had just been suspicious when my mom mentioned she felt a bit tired, I might have known something was odd. However, the doctors assured me that it's almost impossible to survive a massive brain hemorhage even if you are right in a hospital, and I would just have to understand that nothing could have been done, but she died without pain. It has been almost 4 years since I lost my mother and I still miss her terribly. But I can tell you that the raw grief you are going through right now will mellow somewhat over the years. You will not stop missing your mother. But you will be able to think and speak of her without crying all the time, and cherish the happy memories, as opposed to dwelling on her death, which is so common in the first year. My thoughts are with you, and I wanted to pass along something written in one of the sympathy cards I received. It said "A loved one is not really gone unless they are forgotten."

    Bookmark   June 25, 2006 at 5:42PM
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nikkiandjacksmom and pickyshopper thank you so much for your replies. It's comforting for me to know that I'm not the only one to grieve this way (though I already knew this in my head, my heart just hadn't caught up). You two both expressed thoughts and feelings I am going throught right now.

I find that what tends to be the hardest for me is when the grief comes back fresh, almost like it was the night I got the call and the awful diagnosis. My heart goes heavy and my tears flow like a waterfall. This could be after days of being in more of an acceptance phase, then all of the sudden WHAM! It hits me. Mom is gone. Mom is dead. How can this be?

I tortured myself reading all I could about brain hemmorage and see where people have lived for 2 or 3 days beyond the onset of symptoms, yet mom seemed to have only "lived" for a few hours (I had her put on a respirator so my sister from Ohio could fly in and have her opportunity to say goodbye). She was coherent enough to call 911 and me, and by then it was all over. It just seems so unfair, not to mention unfathonable. I wonder what would have happened if I had called her hours before she called me the way I had thought to, but became distracted. Logic tells me it still would have happened, but I find I can't help but wonder.

Sorry to have waffled. I find the feelings flow like a waterfall these days too...

    Bookmark   June 25, 2006 at 8:28PM
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I'm very sorry for your losses. My mom also died of what we are pretty sure was a brain hemmorhage in June 2004. Since Mom has Alzheimer's she could not express to me that she maybe was feeling badly. A couple of minutes before she died, she very clearly told me, "I see all you do for me". That was so sweet and maybe that's something that she really wanted me to know before she died. I didn't know anything was wrong other than seeing her grimace just a minute before it happened. I can't help but wonder how she must have been feeling. I would appreciate it so much if you could tell me how your mom was feeling when she called 911. I have always heard that people have a terrific headache, but that's the only symptom I know of.
As far as the grief, I try to remember that I know my mom always wanted me to be happy and live a good life. So, in her memory, I try to continue to have a happy life as I always have had and she and my dad always provided for me.
It's tough and we miss them so much, but we have to try to go on. I also deal with the loss of my 19 year old daughter and life is not always easy dealing with both of these losses. I try to focus on what I have and the people who are here who make me happy. As hard as it is sometimes, our lives must go on.
God bless you both.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   June 25, 2006 at 11:44PM
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lulie~ I only know what the EMTs told me as I lived 20 minutes away from my mother. When she called me to let me know she had called 911 I asked her what was wrong, she said she didn't know. Apparently, she did tell the 911 operator that she had a headache because the medical people kept coming back to me saying "so she complained of having a headache?" and I would have to redirect them to the EMTs or the 911 call, or whatever they use to record chief complaints. I can only assume that what happened was she, at some point during the day, developed a headache. From what I can tell about the house, I can see she did her usual evening routine of watching TV and doing the crossword puzzle, so her headache must have set in pretty late. I know she was in bed when she called 911 and then called me, so perhaps she thought she'd sleep it off and then decided that she had a problem that needed attention. These is one of those pieces I struggle with even though I know she would have told me that she had a headache and was going to bed and I wouldn't have throught twice about it.

I am trying to maintain because mother wouldn't want me to mope, and she always told me and my sister "parents die" having lost her mother at a young age. I guess I never anticipated how heavy my heart would be.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 6:59AM
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I guess the symptoms are a severe headache. They told us my dad couldnt stand to walk to the ambulance because he was very nausious (sorry for spelling) and he was moaning. Then when he arrived at the hospital they told us he walked himself to the bathroom and seemed to be alert. Then they took him to cat scan and that is where he passed in the ct machine. They said he complained of a headache and not feeling well. They said he had a stoke ontop of a significant stroke that caused a cerebral hemmorage. That morning my mom woke him up to tell her she was going to the a.m. mass and he said, ok, I am getting up soon, he didnt seem sick. But by the time she came home 30 min. later he was already at the hospital. So I guess it hits quick. The drs said he didnt feel the brain bleed, that he died quickly and painless. I dont think it was painless because of the sick feeling he had prior to ct scan. He was there for 2 hours and then he was gone. It really helps me to read your stories. Because I too am still trying to understand what happened. I hope and pray you find a place to secure there memory in your hearts and hide it there. I seem to be talking out loud to my dad and god. People probably think I am going crazy. But it seems to help me thru the day. Do what you have to to help yourself and you will get thru it day by day.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 8:59AM
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I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my mom too, last year in March. It was the worst day of my life because I lost my best friend. I long for her voice, and her hugs. There is just so much I wish I could share with her. I continue to have such a huge hole/void in my life that is empty, no one or nothing can fill. I wish for you peace and strength as you grieve your precious mom. I wish I had some answers for you but I don't. I just know how you feel.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 12:21PM
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nikkieandjacksmom~ It helps me to read your stories as well. I know we are never really ready to let them go, and that death is an inevitability but it hurts none the less. It is especially difficult, I find, when the death is so unexpected. My father died 17 years ago (incidentially, one month before my mother died she had a dream about my father in which he said to her "I'll see you soon")but had been sick from cancer. His death was hard on me too, but I was at least able to anticipate it better. With Daddy, I knew I didn't have years and years to be with him; with mom the assumption I had was that she'd be around for at least another 10 (she was in great shape, went to the doctor regularly, ate well, etc). I'm certain that this is what makes it even harder for me to accept. Reading your story shows me that the quickness of her death was not as unusual as I was thinking and that, inasmuch as we torture ourselves with thoughts of "if only" and "what if" and "why didn't I" or "I should have" the simple fact it it was what it was. You have no idea how much reading your story has helped me start to make movement out of this phase and onto the next stage. I am still very interested in hearing your feelings and experiences though.

    Bookmark   June 26, 2006 at 9:59PM
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I am glad I can help. It seems that I find comfort reading your stories too and others. No one really knows what we are going thru unless they have felt the same pain. I never dreamed it would hurt this bad, I never knew I even had these emotions in me. I guess when God needs the Great People he will take them at there best. I will never understand it. I do know that love never ever dies although it feels like a piece of who we are went with them when they passed. My husband tries to help me but he has no clue how I feel, he is fortunate enough to still have his parents. I know life goes on, but it changes how a person lives. I cant even bring myself to celebrate holidays or cookouts. At first I sheltered myself from all family gatherings because it didnt seem there was any reason to celebrate. I hope this passes because I have 2 small children whom I want to keep the traditions going for. Its just really hard. I get mad when I see people my dads age or older still enjoying life. It doesnt seem fair to me. My dad too, took great care of himself, ate right, went to the doctors, just kept up with his health. I want to talk to him and see his crystal blue eyes again and thats the part that hurts, because I never will until I get to heaven. That seems to be the only comfort I find, is knowing I will see him again, just not here on earth. There is nothing I can tell you that will take your pain away, all I can offer you is the fact that you are not alone. I truly believe at my lowest moments, I can feel my dad patting my shoulder and helping me throgh. I like to believe he is, because he always had when he was still here. I am sure your mom is still helping you too. We just cant see them. But when we think of them, or remember the good memories, I believe that is them telling us that they are still with us.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2006 at 8:41AM
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My mum used to live in Berkely Garden in Klang, Malaysia in the 80's. When I was seven years old , she left me after she had some differences with my dad.
Her name is Jennifer Cheong and I reckon she must be in her 50's.
I often wondered whether she still thought about me and wanted to contact me the way I did. I had gone to her old residential area in Berkely Garden many a time but no one could tell me about her whereabouts .
I miss her very much and I hope that those reading this SOS mail for my mother may be able to connect me to her one day.
I have not stopped praying each day for her to meet me one day and be my mother and my love. I have waited a long time for her and I know that I will be united with her one day. I have surfed the web and any relevant sites in the Internet but I have not been lucky.I am not giving up on you mum !
Love, Cathy

    Bookmark   April 26, 2011 at 2:43PM
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