What to do!

hoakie2601June 5, 2007

My husband and I are leaving this weekend to spread or bury the ashes of his deceased wife. I am feeling very uncomfortable about this. If I could get input on this it would be great.

We are traveling out of state to take care of this. We are traveling with his deceased wife daughter and 2 teenage daughters. When we arrive in MS we are going to stay with his deceased wifes sister and her family. I have never met these people.

I am uncomfortable about this because. He considers this his family also. I am so going to feel like the 3rd wheel. I do not feel this is a place for me to be. My husband on the other hand seems to think all will be OK and they will accept me. He wants me to go to the memorial, I did not know his deceased wife and will not have any emotions in this. I know my husband wants my support and this is really the only reason I am going.

But he will not see that this is very uncomfortable for me. I keep asking him for a back up plan in case things go crazy. He thinks the only way it will go crazy is if I do something to make it that way. He knows that these people will accept me with open arms. I just dont see it that way. Maybe people could kindly give me their feelings on this.

We are going up there without our car with no backup hotel to stay in. I feel like I am going to be trapped. And I am not looking forward to the trip. Sorry if I repeat myself.

Thanks for reading and advising me!

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Wow, what a pickle you're in!! I have some questions:
How long ago did his wife die?? How long have you been married?? You say you're travelling with the deceased wife's daughter and 2 other daughters. Are they your daughters?? That might make a difference because you could 'hang out' with them.
Truthfully, I don't see why he's pushing you like this.
First off, he says he likes this family, so why does he need you around for support?? It seems like they'll give him all the attention/support he needs. I agree with you that you have the potential of coming off like a 3rd wheel. And the fact that you have no 'wheels' is another concern I have for you. I also feel for you because you'll feel awkward at the service with everyone watching you.
I also don't see the part about him saying it will only go 'crazy' if you make it that way. What is he thinking?? The whole idea -- HIS whole idea -- has all the earmarks of craziness. Can't you just say you won't go, period?? Can you come up with something you HAVE to do during this time that makes it impossible for you to go??
On the positive side of this -- is he maybe trying to show you off to those people?? Like maybe he's moving on with his life?? Sorry for all the questions and/or misunderstandings on your posting.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2007 at 3:37PM
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Maybe he needs your suport and doesn't think he can get through it without you. Just something to think about

    Bookmark   June 5, 2007 at 3:45PM
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To answer the questions for msfingers...

His wife expired 10/05. I met him 4/06 and we got married 12/06. I know this all seems quick. But Im not asking to be judged on this. We met we fell in love we got married.

We are traveling with his step daughter from his wife that expired. And her 2 daughters. Not my children. If I understand that question correctly.

He says he needs me there because I am his new beginning, he is closing the book on that part of his life. Gosh that is hard to write without making him seem like a bad person! I am not quite sure what he means by him saying I might do something to make them not like me. I tried my best to get out of going. I've tried trust me!!

    Bookmark   June 5, 2007 at 7:00PM
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Go, support him and be sweet - if he says he needs you, then be there for him.

    Bookmark   June 5, 2007 at 9:55PM
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how does his stepdaughter react to you? did she accept
your marriage and your life with her stepdad?
have you had any contact from her family at all eg when
you got married?
I can see how this might be ackward and would need a backup
plan. I would suggest its best you and your husband stay
in a nearby hotel, saying we dont want to be a burden and then you can come and go?
then again you may be welcomed with open arms....
goodluck! it may all be very fine and youll be glad you went

    Bookmark   June 6, 2007 at 2:06AM
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Don't go expecting the worse to happen. I think your husband just wants you to be there for him. "Keep you chin up" and you will be fine. Carol

    Bookmark   June 6, 2007 at 8:49AM
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Thanks for the answers, Hoakie. I certainly didn't mean to insinuate that I was trying to judge you when I was asking for details about his first wife's death. I just wanted to know the timing. Maybe what everyone says is true, he wants you by his side to show that he is moving on. And I don't think that's a bad thing, that he's moving on, or using you as the symbol for doing so. A lot of times I'm come across -- and I know we all have -- situations where you'd rather just be somewhere else, and it turns out to the situation you dreaded was not so bad after all. I hope this is the case when you accompany him and that it's a better time than you expect it will be. Please keep us informed on your return.
Good Luck.

    Bookmark   June 6, 2007 at 10:52PM
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Dear Hoakie,

Can you re-model your thinking on this? In other words:

Put the perspective on this AWAY from YOU and how YOU perceive (worry)it will go, and onto your husband and that HE is performing the ultimate closure on a previous chapter of his life, while also desiring the company of YOU and publicly demonstrating his commitment to YOU, the WIFE of the NEW chapter of his life.

You met, you fell in love, you got married! Good for you!

There is no competition, there is only love...love his family has for him, love he had for his departed wife, love of the girls, and fortunately for him (and you), love for you coupled with an intact self-esteem and maturity to include you as he says "goodbye".

This is an opportunity for your own personal growth, believe it or not! GO, be supportive, loving, and warm! It will be returned to you in many ways!


    Bookmark   June 7, 2007 at 8:35AM
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Thanks to everyone for the post. I will let you know how things work out. I am going on the trip. I am still leary of going to the memorial because it is something I think he needs to do on his own with the family. I am not trying to be selfish. It's just tough since I do not know these people. I have never spoke to them or have I ever even seen pictures of them. I have been told things about them that have nothing to do with my post that also make me worry! His step children I think put up with me, but they dont really like the idea of him being married again.

The latest thing that came up has me in a tizzy also! Seems to never end. The idea of renting a van and traveling together was presented to me orginially with the intention of all going together and taking her cloths and acessories up so that her sister could have them. They where the same size women. She requested her sister have her cloths if something happened. I'm told last night that he is not going to take the cloths up to her because we will not have the room. Maybe this has to do with him not be ready to let this stuff go. I know some people let things go in stages. Maybe spreading the ashes are the first step and than giving away the other things will come next. But from my point of view I would like the stuff given to her sister so that we can move on. Other post that I have posted got responses like this stuff should have been gone before I moved in but I wanted to give him the time that he needed to move on. So my pickles never seem to end in regards to this!!

I told him that when we met he could wear his wedding ring with her on his right hand forever if he wanted to, that I would never take that away from him. He has taken that off. I told him also that the photo of her in the hall could stay as long as he would like it to stay because she was his wife. I'm starting to think that I may have been to easy on this since he is in no hurry to give away the less meaning full things now.

Sorry for all my laundry!!!

    Bookmark   June 7, 2007 at 3:09PM
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So, Hoakie!
How did it go?

    Bookmark   June 14, 2007 at 8:39AM
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Well I went. It was not that bad. During the service he held her ashes in front of everyone until it was time to place them in the ground. I stood next to him until they started the service. At that point I worked my way to the back of all the people, but still in eye sight of my husband. I felt that was the thing to do. Seems there was a lot of attachment before but I was able to see that he is getting through it. He did not shed a tear through the service until his grand daughter started to cry and talk. I dont think he actually shed tears at that time he was just trying to console her.
They had a family get together after and I felt more uncomfortable there than any place else. Anything that was said to me was short and sweet, but their was one relative that was sitting at my table that would not even look my way much less talk to me. I was told after the fact that her family was on the weird side. Indeed they where!

I'm glad it is over. He was talking like he wanted to go to visit again sometime. I dont know if I could do that. It was a strange enviorment that I dont plan on getting myself into again!!!

Thanks to everyone!!

    Bookmark   June 19, 2007 at 9:42PM
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good on you for going

I dont think you have to go again if you dont want

    Bookmark   June 22, 2007 at 1:47AM
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