at a lose ...
I am writing this because We are coming to the yr mark that my mom passed away.
July 5 , 2011 my mom went to the doctor. She had pain and had lost alot of weight. At that time they told her that she had cancer.
Aug 9th she was taken to the hosp 120 miles from her home and put on some pain meds . Where they decided to keep her in the hosp till they could get her pain under control. they did alot of testing and came back that the cancer had spread . It was no longer in her cervix, it has moved and was growing fast. On the 10th the cancer was up to her ears and they gave us hours before she died. I was home when I got the call about my mom. I hit the floor and couldnt breath. I knew then that she wouldnt be with us long. My husband Drove me the 11 hours to be with her before she Died. We left our home at 5pm that afternoon and by 2 am where where at the motel in the town the hosp was at. By 7 am aug 11th, I was at the Hosp and mom was sleeping . ( they had her on High amounts of pain meds) I held her hand and told her it was ok We would all be just fine if she had to leave us. I sat there for hours just holding her hand. She Never did open her eyes or say anything to me. I know that she knows that I was there.
About Noon my husband told me that I needed to come rest for a little wail. my sisters where there and so was my brother. If anything changed someone would call me . about 3:30 I told my husband I was going back to the hosp to be with her. I just had gotten cleaned up and was going out the door when my phone rang. It was my sister "Show" . Crying telling me it wasnt good. We made it back to the hosp and it was too late. She had passed away. 4:19pm
After everyone said good bye we came back to the motel. With all moms kids there at the motel. Plus her grandbabies , some friends and other family. the plan was to stay up till the moon way high in the sky and say good bye to mom.
Two of the 7 kids dont like me or anything to do with my life. We will just say because I was not "Moms" Bio child I have aways been looked down apond by a few of them.
I sat in the motel room and cried . For the lose of my mother. the woman that was there when Noone else was. the same woman that took me in when her Sister had kicked me out on the street when I was 14.
the Next day my husband and I decide to come home. He didnt feel it was a place that I needed to be. He told me that I had his support and Not to worry about the other ones.
Over the Next few months I found it hard not to pick up the phone and call mom. Every day we had morning coffee over the phone. (till she got sick)
We would talk about the most dumbist things . Laugh about every day life . and We did family things together. I came home every yr. some times 2 to 4 times a yr. But every christmas I was home with Mom.
When chistmas came it was hard to plan my own christmas with out mom. I had Never just did anything like that . It was always at moms house.
Feb I went in to the tattoo shop and had a tattoo placed on my leg for her. Knowing every time I look down on my leg she is with me. I have the last thing she had on her when she dies and It is a native blanket. It is On the back of my sofa. I bought a doll the day after she dies that spoke to me . Sounds weird but When I look at the doll it reminds me of mom when she was younger.
her Bio children got together this yr on may 26. a few days after her birthday. At that time they took her ashes and placed them where she wanted them. I wasnt allowed to come . I was told that I was Not her child and this was for her KIDS.
Still to this day I think about my mom. this woman that took me in and cared for me loved me and held me when all I wanted was a mom. today for some reason I am thinking about her. I miss her so much. I hurt for the talks the laughs we have had. For some reason I feel lost in this world without her here. I dont know why I do. I wish there was away to get over the lost and just rememeber the good times I had with her. Maybe its because the only family I have now is just my husband and his family. Yes I have my own children . But there is something about a child and their mothers. Or maybe it is just me.
I have had a hard life and to feel this way I ask myself. will the pain getting any better?