How hard does it get before it gets better?

uncledave_ctJune 8, 2007

On Wednesday, I went to the cemetery to visit Donna's grave. At first I felt like it was more out of duty than anything, respect for her memory. But while I was there, feeling the sunshine, seeing the weeds and grass waving in the breeze, hearing the birds singing, I felt empty. She and I used to enjoy experiencing nature together, and it's not the same without her. After God and his creation, she was the other half that made life complete. I miss her so very, very much! I wanted her there with me so badly. I still could not believe she was taken from this life, because I could see her, smell her, feel her hand in mine as I held her close beside me. I never want to let her go, not ever. I want to hold onto her forever!

But she's already gone. I just don't... No, I can't understand.

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Dave,you are hurting so badly your really need to get professional help for you and your son. This is the most dificult thing in your life and you just can't go it alone, PLEASE find someone to help you, I'm worried about you. I am glad that you are sticking with the forum, it shows that you can reach out so please reach out a little further.Your darling wife is with you and she doesn't enjoy seeing you in this state, get some help for you sake and hers.Stay on the forum because we are all here for you.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2007 at 9:57AM
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There's no need to worry about our well-being, although I truly appreciate everyone's concern. We do have professional help. There is no way I or my son could go through this alone, a fact that I recognized early on.

I hope I don't come across as suicidal, nothing could be further from the truth. There are just moments like these when reality hits, sometimes very hard, and it hurts.

Writing about it, whether in a journal or here, is beneficial. If the moment comes when this is no longer welcome, I will respect others and refrain from the deeper posts. I am much better at expression through writing than speaking, and someone else reading this may find his or herself in the same spot.

As far as the question, when does it get better, I probably already know the answer. Nobody knows. It just does, with time. I know the time will come when it no longer hurts as much, or as often. But I know that I need to stay open, and not lock away these feelings, or that day will remain further away.

Thank you all for listening and caring!

    Bookmark   June 8, 2007 at 12:00PM
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Dave, I'm glad you're keeping in touch here. So many of us care about what happens to you and your boy and any words of comfort that we may offer you, if they help, we're glad. You're right, it gets better when it gets better. I think the most important thing right now is to keep one foot in front of the other. That's what we did for a long time after we lost our boy and granddaughter. I know our situation is different from yours, but it did help us to keep going, even though we felt for a long time that we were just going through the motions. I don't know what happened to the first three months after the accident, except that I made pickles and jam, something I hadn't done in decades. We just kept going. How fortunate you are to have your little boy, your wife's wonderful gift to you. I know it must be hard being a comfort to him when you yourself hurt so very much. After all this time, I still grieve that we have nothing left of our boy Dave. His daughter was his only child. It still hits me hard that there is nothing on this earth left of him, except memories. Your little boy is a beautiful reminder of your wife's love for you, in addition to the wonderful memories you have. Take care, and God bless you and your son.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2007 at 2:48PM
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Dave, I am so glad to read you last post, don't ever think that you are not welcome here and that we are not interested in you life and feelings, we are all here to have people to listen to us. I am in my 7th month of grieving and I can tell you from MY experience that it gets a little better every week. I am coming around and taking interest in my life and home again and I only cry myself to sleep maybe one night a week now. I have friends in our situation and it has been much longer for them,they promise me that there comes a time when the hurt and pain eases to be more manageable,I know I can't wait. Keep keeping on friend and don't go away.

    Bookmark   June 8, 2007 at 3:44PM
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dave just to say please keep writing
my friends have recently lost their mother and wife
and reading your posts really helps me understand
their grief, I greatly appreciate your honesty
it may also help you to write out your feelings
I think it takes a long time, the depth of your
grief reflects the love you had for your wife
keep hanging in there!

    Bookmark   June 8, 2007 at 9:50PM
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Dave, I am going through the SAME thing, after losing my husband in April of this year. I find myself sitting here, asking God to return him to me, then realizing it AIN'T gonna happen. I am empty inside, even though I have a 17-yr. old stepson to raise. I am sad, angry, disappointed, empty, worried, dead inside, but mostly SAD - why did this happen to my wonderful husband. I am asking God: Did one of us do something wrong, and now we must be punished? How could you let this happen, God? Then I realize: God gives us life, and sometimes we make choices that take that life from us. It doesn't help me feel better, but it does ease the loss for a bit.

You may email any one of us privately, if you wish. Most of us have our email address available here on GW, but if you want to talk to someone, and you can't find their email address, just post on this thread, and they will email you.

Please know that we are here for you and will help in any way we can. Hugs to you and your son! (((((Dave))))).

    Bookmark   June 9, 2007 at 7:21PM
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Dave, please keep writing here. I understand the depth of your grief, I truly do, and as hard as it is for you to express your feelings, you do a wonderful job of displaying your inner thoughts. Very profound.

My situation is different. My mom was blind the last 15 years of her life and suffered 5 heart attacks over the course of a years time. Watching her suffer, not being able to see in the ICU with all the strange sounds and people coming in and out...was heart breaking.

Then she left us. That was 16 months ago and I still cry every few days. I just miss her. So very much. She was such a sweet person and we were very close. I was her only son. I guess it is the finality. I will never, ever be able to pick up the phone and talk to her again. Ever. I can't ask her for her chicken noodle soup recipe and talk about old times and relatives.

Anyway, sorry to drone on about me and my situation. I understand the hurt, the pain, the emptiness...the anger at God. Why He gives us such joy and so much pain.

Keeping writing Dave. Every day is a little bit better, but I don't think the sting ever goes away completely.


    Bookmark   June 11, 2007 at 12:20PM
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Dave, I lost my husband and lover on April 17 of this year. I dream about him at night, think of him CONSTANTLY during the day, and struggle with the fact that he isn't coming home EVER AGAIN!

I talked to a couple of ladies, one who lost her first husband 30 years ago, and she said she still goes through what I am going through, even though she did remarry.

Another told me she married two times after her first husband died, over 50 years ago, and she still goes through this scenerio. I guess what I am aiming at is memories of our life with our spouses/loved ones never goes away - we just get mental calluses that make it easier.

I have been left to raise my husband's 17-yr. old son, who is just now starting to be mad that his dad is gone. I have no idea what to expect, so am prepared to deal with things as they happen.

Pray for us, as we are praying for you, that God will walk with us each day.

    Bookmark   June 12, 2007 at 2:01PM
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I understood what you mean - I to find it easier to write. As for how hard does it get I am at the start of that journey and a little bit scared and very sad.

My only consolation is that I lost my dad suddenly sixteen years ago and managed to overcome my grief eventually.

Losing my husband is very different. The pain at the moment is very raw.

    Bookmark   June 19, 2007 at 4:09PM
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I lost my husband of 11 years (although we've been together for 21) on June 13, 2007 in a motorcycle accident. He was only 38, it wasn't his fault and there were too many coincidences for it to not be God's plan. I didn't have any warning, just a phone call from my mother in law to come over right away, it was then that I found out. I have lots of friends and family around to help me but when they ask if there is anything they can do, the only thing that comes to mind is "no, you can't bring him back". I don't know why God chose to take him but I know it is his will and we have no control over it. I keep asking God to take me so that I can see him in heaven but I know, even if I wish it, he will only take me when he's ready to take me. We don't have any children so he was the single most important person in my life and we had so many dreams for the future together. I have none without him. After reading these, I know that there is hope but right now, I don't see any. I am seeking professional help later this week and hope that she can help me to be accepting of what has happened and realize I can go on alone. I just don't know.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2007 at 12:22PM
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I am so sorry for your loss, you are inconsolable right now and that will last for quite a while, this is the hardest thing you will ever have to go through, we are all hear to listen to you if you need us.
I lost my husband, love of my life, soulmate seven months ago and I am going through exactly what you describe. I have wished many times that we could have gone together, you are right though, we can't go until He calls us. We have children and grandchildren and they have their own lives but I also realize that I am a major part of their lives and I have to be here for them.
You are in my prayers.

    Bookmark   July 3, 2007 at 12:40PM
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Thank you for your prayers and caring words. It helps to know other people are going or have gone through this. It seems each day is getting a little less numb and I feel more and more sad.

Enjoy your grandkids and kids. I've been spending time w/ my 2 year old nephew and they are so innocent, it makes you smile.

God Bless.

    Bookmark   July 4, 2007 at 5:58PM
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