I cant believe its almost been a year

tjmondragonJune 27, 2006

Hello everyone, just here to get things off my chest. you guys always make me feel better.. one year ago today was the last time i held leonard in my arms, That was the day I left to visit my grandma in michigan.I still say I should have stayed home, I miss him so much everyday still. The 2nd of july was the last time I talked to him and said I love you, And then comes the 3rd the worst day of my life.I dont know what that day is going to be like. The 3rd is also my nephews birthday if anyone remembers me mentioning it, and I dont want that day to stink for him he already says he dont want to do anything and never wants to celebrate it again, But I know leonard would not want him to have a crapy birthday. But then again I dont know how I can make it good I dont even want to get out of bed that day I can already feel it. I still wish everyday that I could just be with him and I still ask him everynight to take me with him. How does everyone make it past the 1 year and the 2 year and so on? Fathers day was so hard I didnt think I could make it thru but I did . I went and visited my father in law and I know that really made his day and he was so happy to see the kids, But my son was so sad that day he just wanted to see daddy. My parents are going out of town that week and want to take the kids I dont want to let them go I will always have that fear of letting them go somewhere without me and I dont want to go.I dont know what to do. Should we be together that day or shold I let them go. Why does life have to be so hard we never did anything to deserve this. Im sorry to always cry to everyone but you help me so much. Thanks Tracy

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nikkiandjacksmom

Tracy.
I am sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my dad 7 months ago, and I dont feel like celebrating anything. I think you need to do what is comfortable for you and your family. My birthday is on July 3 also. My first without my dad. I plan on lighting a candle by his picture. It will be hard because every year he would come up my house for cake and a cookout. I dont think I will do the cake or cookout thing. But I will still have him here on my birthday, in spirit. I know what you mean when you want to be with them. I feel that way too because life is not the same. I look at it like everyday I live is a day closer to being reunited with my loved ones again. When you love someone so much, then they leave, it seems the like the world just hit you in the face with a brick. I know the living still have to live but its hard. Take baby steps through life, day by day. Thats what I do now. If I am uncomfortable I wont go. Eventually at a different time maybe I will be able to celebrate again. Just not yet. There is no time line on grief. You will never be the same, so you need to figure out how to adjust to life and its changes. I agree life is hard and unfair. I hope you find strength to do what is best for you. God Bless

    Bookmark   June 27, 2006 at 8:58AM
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sudiepav

Hi Tracy, I think about you a lot, and I know you're still struggling. It's been just over 3 years since my son and granddaughter were killed, and the anniversary date was very, very difficult. I do think the first year is the worst, because you experience the first Christmas, birthdays, anniversary and other important days without the one you love so much. I will be thinking of you on July 3rd and hoping and praying that all your really good efforts to cope will start to bring you a little peace. Take care.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2006 at 12:56PM
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jlj48

I remember when you first posted here. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to tell you about whether or not you should let the kids go. I know how frightening it can be to be away from those you are clinging onto right now. Maybe you need to be with them on that day and feel love and strength from them. Or maybe you need to be by yourself and they need to have a getaway on such a hard day. I think only you can decide. But you've made it this far and didn't think you could. You are stronger than you know and you can do this. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time. He is with you in your heart. Please know that. I will be thinking of you.
Joanie

    Bookmark   June 27, 2006 at 5:14PM
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socks

Would you reconsider going along on the trip with your parents and the kids? I know you don't want to, but it might lift everyone's spirits a bit. Just a thought...

    Bookmark   June 27, 2006 at 7:36PM
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Brycesmommy

It was just Bryce's 2 year anniversary on June 10...It was just as difficult as the first. It still feels like yesterday since he left us. To get through we do things that he would enjoy since we know he's with us. He would hate to see us depressed & sad so we try to find new things (or old) to do in his memory.

    Bookmark   June 27, 2006 at 11:58PM
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tjmondragon

Thank you all so much for listening to me. This week is already been so hard and i am still four days away from the 3rd. Everone I have talked to this week replays that day.I remember seeing him or I remember talking to him an hour before the accident. UHHHHH I just feel mad when they say that. I remember I was finally on my way home after the longest time we were ever apart and getting the worst call of my life.I still say why did I go? Why couldnt one of them be with him that night? Why Why Why ? I feel so angry I know they are just trying to help and be here but, I was not here the last week of his life and they were.I would have stopped him he would still be here and you would not have to listen to me cry all the time. I feel angry this week is that wrong ? My Mom and Dad are still trying to get me to go to the mountains and I have thought about it alot. My Uncle Dean is going to be there and we are real close. I would love to see him but I dont know. Its not like I will be great company that day and then again maybe it will keep me away from the fireworks that will bring me down so much. I have the 3rd which is one year then the next day is leonards most favorite day of all times. He was always such a little kid on that day. Im really going to miss seeing the smile on his face that day, he was always so happy that day. Thank you again for listening. Tracy

    Bookmark   June 29, 2006 at 5:14AM
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sudiepav

Tracy, I thought about you so much on Monday and was hoping and praying that you got through the day. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you come here to talk. We all are here for you.

    Bookmark   July 5, 2006 at 10:17AM
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