I lost my mother....am I wrong?

dorene07June 13, 2007

Hi All,

on Monday June 4, 2007 I received a phone call from my brother in Florida that my mother who has been suffering for 5 weeks with neck pain was taken to the hospital for the 2nd time in 1 day. On Wednesday the 6th, I was notified that she had cancer. She died this past Sunday on the 10th. She was 83 years old and no one knew she was sick.

I have a delima...and need your opinion. There are 5 of us kids...I live the furthest away. She is being transported back to our home town in Ohio...and it is taking 3 days. My (only) sister, 2nd and 3rd brother are driving in from Florida (they went to see her and the rest of us were not told we were needed there. They are stopping in Hilton Head for a mini vacation before they arrive in Ohio late Thursday night. They will meet with the funeral director (my oldest brother and I have no say so in the matter) on Friday. The viewing is on Sunday (Fathers Day) and the Funeral is to be on Monday the 18th (which is my middle sons 18th birthday).

Am I wrong for refusing to bury my mother on my sons birthday? My son doesn't like the idea of remembering his 18th birthday as the day he burried his grandmothe either.

I have voiced my opinion to the family only to be told so what....am I wrong? Am I being the baby again (which I am the youngest of the kids)?

Please someone tell me to grow up if needed and shut up.

Thanks,

Dorene07

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dorene07

Hi All Again....
Maybe I didn't express myself right before....but they are not listening to my husband, sons nor me about buring her on Monday. They have other choices, like Saturday or even Tuesday, but they are saying that nothing can be done...she will be ready for burial on Monday. I just need to know if I should keep voicing my opinion for my sons sake or should I just swallow my words and let them bury her and grieve. I miss her terribly and I know she is not liking what is going on at all. My sons were her only grandsons. My siblings wouldn't do this on their girls b-day. I just need your opinion on this.
Thanks for listening and letting me vent (again).
Dorene07

    Bookmark   June 13, 2007 at 4:06AM
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yborgal

I'd drop the objections and go on with the burial on the 18th. This year it will take priority over your son's birthday, but it's going to be different in the years to come.

What would you have done done if she died on the 18th? You would have had no say so in the timing.

You know, I can remember the anniversary dates of each family member's date of date but I have to guess about the dates of burials.

Not a big deal to me and not worth creating a family fued over.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2007 at 8:20AM
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kayjones

Mona is right - concede and let Mother be buried on the 18th - your son will adjust - after all, he is an adult. Life happens and sometimes gets in the way, but you have to deal with it.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2007 at 1:59PM
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dorene07

Thanks..I think. I know I asked...but it is still hard. My son has struggled so long with Tourette Syndrome...we never thought he would make it this far in life, he was ready to kill himself many times. Mother made his life easier for him. I have told them I would be there...I have to for my mother. I didnt say I would like it though. They have other options, but seem to be set with this date. I was also told that if it were their childs birthday then they would have changed it, but since I am not paying for it I have no say so. (Mother's life insurance policy is paying for it) But they are using my brothers money aqgainst me. I am going to swallow my fight, give in, let her rest in peace and tell my son that he has a special day for the rest of his life that no one can take away from him....No she didn't die on his birthday, but we did find out she was dying on my youngest sons b-day. Thanks for listening...and helping...Life must go one and we all will adjust...God Bless.
Dorene 07

    Bookmark   June 14, 2007 at 1:36AM
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dirt_yfingernails

My Dad passed away 3 days before my Mom's birthday. She was so grief-stricken, she had to be sedated, so I had to make all the arrangements. Over the phone, my older sister asked me if it was a good idea to have him buried on Mom's birthday. I told her I know our Mom, and she wouldn't feel any better if we had it a day later. She might have even been mad if we'd changed it, knowing her. Sorry you and your family have to go through this.

    Bookmark   June 14, 2007 at 12:32PM
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dorene07

I wish Mother was here to straighten this all out...I know she is asking God for one more chance to come back and slap some sense into her kids.
Thanks for the support.

    Bookmark   June 15, 2007 at 12:18AM
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kgwlisa

My grandmother just died on this past Friday. I cannot even BEGIN to express how much I love that woman and how much she meant to me and how close to her I was... there just are no words. She was already going downhill on my birthday, this past wednesday, and frankly it was a totally miserable day for me. People kept saying "happy birthday" and I wanted to scream "I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY AGAIN, ARE YOU CRAZY?" It doesn't matter that she died two days later, I will always remember this birthday as the time my beloved grandmother died and the single most painful time in my entire life so far.

I guess I'm trying to say, it doesn't matter. In the jewish religion there is no choice in burial dates, it has to be done 24 hours after the death unless it falls on a holiday or shabbat so the funeral and burial was today. No it was not on my birthday, but my birthday will be forever tinged with sadness because I think that's the day I knew in my gut grandma would not be coming home. I know if grandma could have done it any other way she would have, but she had no choice in the matter. I'm sure if your mother could have had it another way too.

I probably won't get around to celebrating my birthday this year and who knows if I will ever feel like it again. All I know is that sometimes you have to put aside what you want and do the right thing... that's one of the lessons my grandma taught me.

    Bookmark   June 17, 2007 at 7:12PM
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free_at_last

My brother died on my daughter's 14th birthday... and we all forgot. I remembered THE NEXT DAY and almost had a heart attack, grieving not only for my brother, but also for my little girl, alone at home taking care of her younger siblings on her birthday with no cake, no party, not so much as a 'happy birthday' wish.

My daughter was a princess-- she has never brought it up, not once. Her dad and I took her out a week later for a big shopping trip and dinner out. And the next year, we did things up right :-)

Its how *you* handle things that your son will remember most. There's no way that a few days will matter-- the death occurred right around his birthday and it wouldn't matter if it were a week before or a week after

Believe me when I say, it is how *you* respond that will matter most to your son. This is life-- not always pleasant, not always fair... we adapt, adjust and move on.

    Bookmark   June 21, 2007 at 11:09PM
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