It has just passed the 6 month mark on the death of my best friend of 18 years. I am at a loss daily. I talk to his sister, mom, dad, our other friends...nothing makes me feel better. He was my best friend, my soul-mate, my rock, my hero, my guide in this world...my everything. I just don't know how to keep from randomly crying when I hear songs he loved or think of things we did together. I just want this part to be over so that I can continue on with my life. I think about him so much that it is distracting me, I am on meds to counter my own depression and anxiety, I am just not getting where I need to be.
I recently did a 20 mile walk in NYC to raise money and awareness for depression and suicide, as he was subjet to both in his life, as am I. He was always the one I went to when I was down and now, everyone is leaning on me for support and I just don't know how to help, considering I am just as messed up as they are. I think I should be getting therapy, but I just don't have the money. I think I should be spending more time doing things to occupy my time, but I just want to sit and stare at the computer screen. My house is a mess! My love life is non-existant. My relations with others has been sacraficed, because I am afraid to be too close with them, fearing that maybe they, too, will fall asleep at the wheel and I will never see them again. My Tom is gone and I fear he took the best of me with him. When does this start to get easier? When do I stop crying? When does "normal" happen again?