Am I allowed to grieve? long

chattypatty49May 16, 2006

I am grieving my SIL, father,and Brother.

My question is this. My dear sweet mother, whom I cared for, for several years is living in a nursing home. The drs made us (my brother and I) put her there because she had alzheimers and was getting very hard to manage at home. I miss her so much.

Since then I have had several strokes and am not able to take care of her, or drive and go see her everyday like I used to. This is breaking my heart.

My brother lives out of state and does get up here to see her at least twice a week.

He doesn't take me often because of the long walk and she seems to get upset with me. Sometimes I am her mother, at other times, her sister. I went last week to see her and she asked where my father was. I told her he was at home. I hated to lie to her , but she would have gotten really upset and hard to handle.

I grieve for her almost as if she is gone. Is this wrong? I feel so bad about this.

Sorry to lay all this on you fine people, but I need some feedback.


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Patty, there is nothing wrong with grieving for the eventual. With your circumstances you are doing the best you can. Alzheimers is just horrible. My heart goes out to you. My Mom was dying last year...had 4 heart I made the most of our time together. But that still didn't make it easier when you left. It's been almost 4 months and a day doesn't go by that I don't cry or suffer a wave of depression. Take care of yourself. Duane

    Bookmark   May 17, 2006 at 10:13AM
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I think it is very natural to grieve for your mother now. You miss your mom, even though she is still physically here. And if you have to tell her little things which aren't quite true, like your father is at home, to keep her calm, that's ok too.

I'm so sorry for the heartache you are going through, and I hope you can get to see her occasionally so you can give her a hug and a kiss. That she will definitely understand.

I had a similar grieving experience as my mom was dying. It's devastating.

Take care.

    Bookmark   May 17, 2006 at 8:52PM
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Hey, Patty. I'm sorry to hear that you have had strokes. You may remember me from the Kitchen Table. I check in every now and then, but felt like with the little time that I have these days, and the fact that I practically begged Spike for this site, that I could be more useful here.
I know well the grieving that you are experiencing. Mom mom also had Alzheimer's and left this world on June 3, 2004. I know that little by little as she left us, I grieved. It's truly a sad thing and perfectly normal and very common.
Your mom probably has no conception of time, so she doesn't realize that you don't go as often as you would like. Don't be too hard on yourself for that. You do what you can do.
As far as telling them things that we have to to keep them calm, I consider them acts of love. It would be cruel to tell them things that would be upsetting to them.
Take care and come back to visit and "talk" with us.

    Bookmark   May 18, 2006 at 2:05PM
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Patty I think if you start to grieve now, it is a good thing. My grandmother had alzheimers. She got so bad that my 60 some year old mother had to take her to her house to take care of her. Grandma was in her 80's. Grandma knew me sometimes and she knew my dad (her brother-in-law) most of the time. But she never knew my mom (her own daughter). She thought she was in a nursing home and Mom was her care taker. I felt so sorry for Grandma. Sometimes when people would visit, she would think they were her long deceased sisters or mother. I would visit and start talking to her and then I would ask her if she knew me. She would look at me quizically and then I would tell her, "It's me Grandma, Tootsie" (my nickname) Her eyes would then light up with recognition and she would start crying, saying, "Oh my God Tootsie, I didn't even know you". At the end, she didn't know anyone or anything. She died in Mom's house. So, we had started grieving for Grandma's loss, long before she died. We miss her and she is the one that crossed my Joe-Joe over, but we know that she is much better off with God than here on earth, suffering. Grieve for your mom's life and the loss of her now if you want. It might make it easier to put it in perspective when she's gone. I think you're doing a wonderful job with her and you must remember to take care of yourself too. Your mom would want you to do that too, you know, for she is STILL your MOM.


    Bookmark   May 21, 2006 at 8:29AM
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