Still thinking and still grieving

nate1904May 20, 2009

I don't really know how to start this post, but I suppose this'll have to work. My best friend Jaron Vandyk practically my brother committed suicide a year ago. I was 16 at the time. He took a bunch of pills around the beginning of March and passed away April 1st. That was the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life was to look at my best friend laying bound to die...and there was not a single thing I could do about it. We met when I was 4 and he was 5 years old. Lived right next to each other and always spent time together. Anything I remember enjoying in my life he was always there to enjoy it with me. I try not to think about him everyday so it seems when I do think about him it hits me hard. I'm not the one to cry but this gets me every single time. I feel so guilty. When we got to high school we both sort of seperated. Although we did talk usually through myspace we didn't hang out much but found time when we could. The day before he tried killing himself we were planning to hang out. I decided to go with my other friends. He called me that night and I sat there watching my phone ring. I didn't pick up. It's hard for me to say no to people so that is what I did. He left me a message saying to call him back he wants to hang out. The next morning I wake up and check my myspace. He left me a message simply saying "I'm sorry man". I was confused and brushed it off. Two hours later Julie (his mother) calls me telling me what happened. I haven't told anyone I purposely didn't answer the phone because of the guilt I feel. I miss him and when I think of him I think of the childhood he gave me. I think of the nights I spent the night at his house, the girls we always chased and competed for, the family trips, the games we played, everything. I'm sorry for this being as long as it is. I don't think I need help, most people even my family doesn't know this hurts me as much as it does still. It just seems to hit me when I'm having a hard time in my life. I just needed to get this out and needed people who I know won't spread it to listen. Thank you

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I am so sorry for your loss and everything that you are going through. I lost my 12 yr old Kevin 12/31/08. He hung himself trying to scare me, but it backfired. We had an argument before he did it and told me he was going to do it, but he said that "he was going to kill himself" every time he was mad. I thought he was just saying it to say it like he always did. I took my step daughter out to ride her bike, and I locked myself out of the house for 2 hours. My fiance came home early from work to let us in and then I found him on his closet door. He did it with shoelaces and they weren't around his neck. they were just under his chin, cover his arteries. He passes within 4 seconds the paramedics said.

I understand your guilt and pain. It is not easy. I see a psychiatrist,go to group therapy, and I'm on medication. I could not get through this on my own. Maybe you should see a professional, just for now to help you through the greiving process. Its not easy. I also belong to another forum: You should check this site out. The people one there are great and understanding and will help you get through this tough time. Everyone there has lost someone they love. They are from all over the world, so everyone is in different time zones.

You may email me if you wish to talk more.

Please take care,

    Bookmark   May 21, 2009 at 9:39PM
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How are you doing?


    Bookmark   May 23, 2009 at 10:02PM
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:( I'm sorry. No easy way to deal with that kind of guilt but you have to forgive yourself. There is a rhyme and a reason to everything and not that that helps but sometimes we simply don't understand and are not meant to. I agree with going to counseling and maybe talking to your parents about the phone call - they might have some much needed advice and comfort. So very sorry!

    Bookmark   September 22, 2012 at 7:06PM
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