Mom died

jgrh64May 9, 2006

my 82 year young mother just died unexpectedly . I had no indication of any thing wrong, I showed up at her house to take her out this past Sunday and found her dead watching TV. I won't go into the details but it looks like maybe an anurism. Looks like it caught her by surprise at there was no attempt by her to get the phone . I am REALLY having a hard time knowing she had to die ALONE ( I would not wish this on my worst enemy) and not pleasently so I sure she was VERY scared . I am also trying to deal with being all alone now (she was my Sunday buddy for the last few years, we would go out to eat, then the shopping, her or I would have to do )I am taking seditives from the Dr. but as any of you know somtimes it just isn't enough. I miss her sooo badly,I go through fits of sobbing till there is nothing left then numb for awhile till somthing reminds me of my loss. Tomorrow (wed) is the wake and thur. the burial I've seen your comforting words to other people - I hope someone can help me deal with this.

Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

She was 82, had had a long life, and raised at least one loving child. She died peacefully, probably snoozing in front of the TV, anticipating another Sunday with you.

You are going to miss her, but then we're never quite ready to let them go.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 1:47PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

at this point how do you keep going, why do you keep going ? somehow I just keep puttering around not really doing anything other than moving and falling apart ,I never thought as an adult with my own life that this would devastate me so much. Yes I know she is at peace now .

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 1:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

jgrh64, I'm so very sorry and know you are in shock now. Did everything go ok on Wed?

You'll miss Mom terribly, especially on Sundays. Take comfort in the fact that the precious gift of your time and friendship was probably her biggest joy.

Griveing is a slow painful process. It just takes time, and there is no rushing it. Be kind to yourself, cry when you need to. Talk to friends and family and let them how how you are feeling.

My Mom died 3 years ago. She had many medical problems and suffered a lot, had some miserable medical procedures, with her final moments in a nursing home. It was a sad way to go. We were very close, and I still miss her every single day, but the loss seems more distant now.

Stay in touch here.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 4:31PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I know how awful this is for you. My mom died 3 years ago and we were extremely close, I still miss her terribly. But I wanted you to know that things might not have been any easier even if you had happenend to be right there when she died. My Mom was on vacation with us and we were in the hotel room talking. She said "Oh Lyn, make sure you..." and then she just got a startled look and slumped over dead. Despite my DH and I knowing CPR, we were unable to revive her, and the autopsy later concluded she had died of a sudden massive stroke/aneurysm.

So even though I was actually right there, talking with my mother, there was no time to say anything, help or comfort her. But the fact that she died mid sentence demonstrated that it happened so instantaneously, there really wasn't time to feel much pain in the one second in which this happened. So while this may not be of much comfort to you, your being there likely wouldn't have made any difference. And please don't allow yourself to get caught up in the what ifs. Had I found my mother hours after she passed away, I probably would have assumed she suffered, since she too didn't pass while sleeping. But please don't dwell on any disturbing images that can be misleading, as I am confident your mother passed as quickly as mine. The fact that she wasn't on the floor with phone in hand, tells you that. I still miss my mother incredibly, but I don't actually sob anymore, I just get teary eyed on occasion. The intense pain you feel right now will mellow throughout the years, but you'll always have the wonderful memories you and your mother shared. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 4:52PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm so sorry about the loss of your mom. My mom died almost 2 years ago on June 3, 2004. I also believe that my mom died of some kind of aneurism or other type if hemmorhage. I was with her. It happened very fast. From the beginning of the episode till the end was a very short time.. probably not a full minute.
I console myself by being thankful that she didn't suffer a long agonizing death, although she did have Alzheimer's.
I'm also thankful that I had a wonderful relationship with my mom as you did. For even just those two things, we can be grateful and try to keep good memories in our hearts until we can see them again.
I hope that her wake and funeral are beautiful as you would like.
Keep in touch with us and let us know how you are getting along.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 7:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Would you please email me personally?

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 7:28PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my precious Mother 1 year ago on March 31st. I miss her terribly. She was my best friend and I can't believe I have to live the rest of my life without her. I only wish mine had gone like yours did. My sweet mother suffered so. She was so miserable after losing Dad 7 months before. And she was so physically uncomfortable her last days, yet we didn't know they were her last days. I know it wouldn't have been easier if you had been there. There's just no easy way for this to happen. But my heart goes out to you because I understand your loss. Those who haven't lost their mothers just don't understand this loss. You feel orphaned. Hugs to you.

    Bookmark   May 10, 2006 at 11:42PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

The brain does turn to oatmeal ... that inertia is sort of a cushion for a while

Just keep doing one day at a time, don't force things, and it does get better. It doesn't always stay better - there are relapses and crying fits and temper tantrums, but the oatmeal slowly vanishes.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2006 at 4:51PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thanks -
we had the wake wed and burial today thur. seems like all one day- had to go heavily sedated but I made it through,it was rough seeing her laying there then prayed over and finally leaving her at the cemetary ( I felt I should be taking her home instead of leaving her in the cold rainy cemetary ) just driving down her street set me off again knowing she would never be sitting next to me again, heaven forbid when I end up in the same stores again. And now I am ALL ALONE in this world nobody to do things with ( sister too busy with her family). Mom helped for the last ten years after my ex just took off with the kids and never came back except for court.(E-mailed the kids they never responded) as my mom got older it was I helping her more. but now just emptyness and sorrow greet me I'm just so dead inside.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2006 at 7:16PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am so sorry for your loss. It must have been a terrible shock for you to find your mother like that. My mother passed away in September of 2004, after a 9 month battle with brain cancer. Her final months were spent in a nursing home and I watched her slip further and further away each day. Like you, I spent much time with her and every Saturday without fail we went to lunch and shopping. I talked to her at least once a day, sometimes twice.

I think that no matter how it happens, we always wish it could have been different. Those of us who watched someone die a lingering death wish that they (and we) could have been spared the suffering. Those of us who lost someone suddenly wish we could have had the chance to say goodbye or prepare somehow. It's never neatly tied up.

I'm inclined to agree with pickyshopper when she says that since there was no sign that your mother tried to get to a phone, she probably passed quite peacefully and quickly and did not suffer. I hope that in the days to come, you will find some comfort in that. I envision the angels swooping down to carry her home.

Come here anytime to talk.

    Bookmark   May 11, 2006 at 9:58PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Thank you all for sharing with me, it has helped me come to terms with the point of her death- if she had died in my arms I would've beat myself up over not doing enough to stop it, so I guess she passed on as well as can be expected. Today I'm just mostly numb and "oatmealed brained" with less bouts of sobbing, I just feel so dead inside forced myself to eat, the smell of most food makes me feel sick. but as they say "I guess the world didn't stop for my broken heart"

    Bookmark   May 12, 2006 at 6:18PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I share your pain and sorrow. Faith helps knowing she is with her maker....but I am selfish and cry all the time...I want to call my mom and talk to her. And today being Mothers' Day is rough..but no more so than every day really.

My mom died Jan.30..she was only 68..and I miss her every second of every day. It takes time...but I can relate. My stomach hurt so bad from sobbing...and now along with my sadness...I have my fathers depression and hopelessness adding to the situation.

Cry when you want to. If you need someone to talk to please feel free to email me too, ok?


    Bookmark   May 14, 2006 at 10:18AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Your mom is with you still. They send us "signs", but we have to make ourselves more aware. Don't shrug things off as coincidence or imagination. Joe has come to me in so many ways that I can't tell you about all of them here. I smell him often. I smell his scent waft by me. He comes to me in nature and in dreams. Watch for signs. Did a feather fall on your shoulder from out of nowhere? Do you smell her perfume? Is something out of place that you are sure you didn't move? Do you hear a song, read a poem or prayer that was her favorite? Speak to her every day, and pray for her. You will make her spirit stronger and she will have more energy to visit you and send you signs. She is with you every second of every day. It hurts so much that I can't see Joe. I can't touch him or hear his laughter, but I KNOW he is with me. He says he brushes my hair and sometimes I smell him when I'm sitting here. I know he is brushing my hair and comforting me. Open your heart and mind and you will see the "signs".


    Bookmark   May 14, 2006 at 8:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My mom just died last month in November on the 13th. she was a wonderful person and it was so hard because she was 58 and had never had any problems. She went into the hospital complaining about a stomach virus and then she was in there for 8 days and then died. We found out later with the autopsy that it was cancer that she never knew she had. I know this is tough and I am finding comfort in the words you have all said to each other. I have had to just move from New York to Florida to live with my dad. I am still young and it is really tough. Since I have been worrying about the move, and tomorrow is christmas, I havent had the opprotunity to really greive. It is really starting to hit me now and it is the most painful of all pains I have ever experienced. I loved her so deeply and miss her so terribly but I know she is up in heaven because the other night when I was "talking" to her, I said mom, give me a sign that you hear me and at that very moment when I just so happen to look up into the night sky, I saw a shooting star. So I firmly believe that she is up there and is looking down on me with a smile. i miss her so much and I know that the pain will slowly dissapate but I just hate the fact that she had to die so young. I loved her with all my heart and I will miss her. Thank you for all of your kind words that You have here already, it is giving me hope that because I am not the only one that is feeling this. Thank you again.


    Bookmark   December 23, 2008 at 11:10PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Mike, I am so sorry about your mom. My mom passed a month shy of her 69th birthday, and I felt cheated she had to go that young so I can imagine how you feel. 58 is too young to go. Thanks for relating the story about the shooting star. Some people might say we are looking for things purposely to reassure us, but I say only those that keep their eyes open to signs will surely see them. One day last summer a storm was coming in and I looked up to the sky to see a cloud churning and churning. It transformed into my mom's face and then had her holding a baby. The baby was me. I went into the house smiling and crying at the same time. Truly a miracle and I hold on to these signs for reassurance that there is another side and we will all be together again in a land full of joy and rapture.

Take care of yourself Mike. Cry when you need to. Guys can be emotional. It shows love and not weakness.


    Bookmark   December 24, 2008 at 1:01PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My mother passed away on Dec 28, 2007. She had lung cancer that had metastasized to her brain. She went into the hospital on Christmas eve, and 3 days later she passed away. Christmas morning we found out that the cancer had spread to her liver and she would only have a few days. My mother was only 54 years old. I had to make the decisions about the care that she would receive and hopefully I did what she wanted to the best of my knowledge. Everyday it is painful, sometimes I find myself walking in the house and looking for her. I cry a lot and the smallest things can make me sob. In July of 2008 I went to Myrtle Beach SC for vacation. My mother loved Myrtle Beach and I found myself thinking about her quite a bit. One night in particular I was walking along the beach with my friend, we were silently walking just taking in the sights and sounds, my mother was on my mind. Suddenly my cell phone vibrated signaling that I had a text message. I checked my phone and the following message was displayed from a number that I didn't recognize..."Someday we won't be here anymore and I just want to say I LOVE YOU! -Terry" I was in shock, it may be a total coincidence but I don't know. You see my mothers name is Terry. This offered me some peace and I was able to smile as I looked up and told my Mother I love you too.

    Bookmark   January 22, 2009 at 6:26PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hello Everyone, I lost my mom in October 2006. My mom died alone as well. I was told my mom would be okay so I went back to Oregon to take care of some business with the intentions of returning back to Eureka on Friday (left Tuesday and she passed away on Wednesday) Calif to be by her side but the nurses took her breathing tube out because medical didn't want to pay for her to be in intensive care any longer so they took what kept her a live out and she went into cardiac arrest and died a horrible death. I was not there to stop them so I can not say time has made he being gone any easier for me. There are days I do not want to get up and pray I can go home but if it were not for my Son and my dogs.. I would go home. It is so lonely in my life now, no matter who is in it, I am still very lonely without her. She was my rock. I knew as long as she was here with me everything would be okay. The day she went in for surgery my mom told me she was scared and I told her not to be scared for God was with her and he would make sure she would be okay.. Well God was not there and I have lost my faith to some degree. All in 4 years - I Lost my Grandma, Lost my Aunt, Lost my 3 dogs, now I Lost my mom. I am 53 and each day is a struggle for me. I built a web site for people to go to when they have lost a pet it also helps those with the lost of someone they loved. I will be updating the web site and adding my mom on there this weekend. Gosh you know my mom said something to me before her passing. She said "PATSY" you will miss me when I am gone, I said I didn't want to talk about that but boy was she right. I love you MOM ******** RIP Sylvia Ann Runions 1936-2006

Here is a link that might be useful: Dreamers Journey

    Bookmark   March 12, 2009 at 2:48PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My mother died 3 years ago leaving behind my father , her 36 year old handicapped son, my lovely sister and me......the person that held it all together while everyone else mourned. I run our family business, easy to do. So I'm worried about my dad. I think his health is poor. He is my best friend in the entire world but he is fading, i think. How do people go on. I barely made it thru moms...please not dads, not now. Any ideas

    Bookmark   March 16, 2011 at 2:40AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My Mom died just before Christmas, Dec 13, 2011. I lost my best friend in this world. I could talk to my Mom about anything I wanted to, without worrying about it being revealed to anyone else. We talked almost everyday, many times for hours. She was my best friend, sometimes I think my only true friend. It's almost like an amputation. I just feel like a whole part of me is gone, a part of me is so wounded. I know I'll never be the same again. I know she's gone, but at the same time I feel like she's still here. Today I made a mistake and said "I need to call Mama." Immediately, it hit me that I'll never be able to call her again. When she got too sick to stay in her home, we moved her in with us. I still can't remove her things. Sometimes I go in her room and just stand there, in shock. This is undoubtedly the most devastating time of my life. But as one person wrote earlier, "...the world did not stop for my broken heart." But I realize the cancer was the source of so much suffering for her and others. I should be thankful that she's not suffering like that anymore. But the selfish part of me just wishes she hadn't had to go.

    Bookmark   March 17, 2011 at 1:31AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I'm so sorry for everything that has happened to all you my mom past away when I was 10 from cancer the day after my birthday and now i hate my birthday right now I'm 12 and Turning 13 in sep what should I do I hate my birthday and I don't know how to grieve over my mom dieing.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2011 at 12:32AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Please help me

    Bookmark   April 7, 2011 at 12:37AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

I am so sorry that I lost my Mom. I feel like I should have taken better care of her. She loved her children and gave everything for us. I miss her so much.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2011 at 11:34AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Hey I'm so sorry for your loss. Only people who have lost a mum know what we are talking about. My mum died on Sept 7th at the age of 47! I'm only 21 and she was going to be there on my wedding day and everything...At least you know your mum wasn't suffering, Like some of the other posters have said. My mum, I showed up to her apartment like I do everyday and she was hyperventilating in a chair and saying he had been fainting and puking all night, And I went to give her a hug and she kept saying she was so scared and than I called the ambulance and turned to her she said she was gonna faint and than she started having a heart attack in front of me...Oh god I miss her...Time will make things easier, Like the one poster said about signs, It's what jeeps me going, Plus you know when you die you will see her again, And have the comfort that you were close. I know I was extremely close to my mum.

(I love you mum

    Bookmark   September 18, 2011 at 1:36PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

Dear Kkbav, I was preparing to post here as a way to help myself, but now see that maybe I can help you in the process.

I just lost my Mother 4 days ago to lung cancer. I am 47 years old and a mother of two beautiful daughters myself (just as my Mom had two daughters). I am here reaching out on the web to try and gain some perspective and try to dull this immense pain I'm feeling. I miss her so much more than I thought I would. I had some months to prepare for her death, since her diagnosis earlier this year we knew where we were heading. But knowing what was coming has not made this easy in any way. I have tremendous guilt, sorrow, and regret.

But in reading your post, I realized that you have not yet had a chance to be a parent. Please believe me when I say your Mother would be horrified to think that you dreaded your birthday because of the timing of her death. For a Mother, the birth of her child is a day to be celebrated for all of her life, even after those children are grown and out of the house. My daughter's birthdays are dates which are etched in my mind as being the days when they came to me, and thus they are the most important days of every year.

Kkbav, on your birthday, try to understand how much joy you brought to her that day. You were her gift to herself, and her gift to the world. You are perfect in her eyes, even now. She does not want to see you sad on that very special day. Your birthday is the day you and your Mother met for the first time. One day as a parent this will make more sense, but if you can try to believe me for now and feel a little better, you will give me a small ray of joy. Coming to this forum to share my sadness may have had a purpose after all.

I want so much for my daughters to cherish their own birthdays in this way, even when I'm gone. I know your Mother would feel the same. Mom feelings are deep--deeper than grief if you can believe that.

Please let me know how you are doing.

    Bookmark   October 20, 2011 at 5:15PM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My dad died a year ago in September from a fall down the stairs. He fell, got up, went to the bathroom, tried to clean up. He must have seen how serious it was, because he was found face down on the carpet, right by the place where my mother normally kept the phone.

My husband and I went there the night he died, after neighbors had found him, after the police came. We followed the blood trail, cleaned up the mess, cleaned up the carpet, picked up his glasses and hearing aid. My mother was in a rehab hospital with a broken shoulder, so we were alone.

I try not to think about it much, because if I did, I think I'll start screaming and never stop because the end must have been awful. I feel guilty... Why didn't I call him on that day? (I'd seen him and talked to him via phone the day before) Why didn't I do SOMETHING when he told me how very tired he was?

No, I'm not trying to hijack the thread to "All about me." but something you were saying struck a chord with me. When I first read it, I thought, "Aneurysm? Isn't that considered one of the more painless ways to die, or at least one of the quickest? Why should she feel guilty?"

Then, I realized that people are saying the same thing to me. Yes, my dad was aware, and chances are he had a whopper headache, but when the end came, it was probably very quick (Blood hit the brain, brain shuts down) I know this, in my head I know this. In my heart though, I know it's my fault and you can't convince me otherwise, you can't convince me that I couldn't have done SOMETHING.

I think this is normal. No, it's not fun, it's not very helpful in the grieving process, but I do think it's normal. I think it's our way of trying to be in control of our lives. It's so hard to think that in this world, we can lose those we love so much, it's so hard to think that it WILL happen eventually to everyone. Sometimes it's easier to blame ourselves so we can feel we have some type of control.

It's been a little over a year since I lost Dad... then I lost Mom about seven months later, and I have my guilt about that. It still hurts. In some ways it's worse than it was then, because back then I was so damned numb. Now, I'm not as numb and it hurts.

But, I can tell you that you'll survive. It'll be awful, this first year, but you'll do it. And despite the awfulness of it, there will be times when you almost feel like your old self. And, there will be times when you feel like an entirely different person. Not necessarily a bad or miserable new person, but you know you've been affected and in some ways you won't be able to go back.

I don't think it being so close to the holidays helps either. I keep seeing things I want to get for my parents for Christmas.

The best thing I can say is don't be upset with yourself. I'm not even going to try to talk you out of the feelings of "Why didn't I do something?" because I can't even talk myself out of that. But I will tell you that you might end up feeling very strange and don't fault yourself for it. Some times you'll want to reach out and pull your other loved ones so close and other times you'll want to push them all away and just be alone. Some times you'll want to celebrate your mother's life and other times you'll just want to cry and yell, "I want my Mommy back!" It's okay (Well, screaming that in the middle of the supermarket might earn you some odd looks, but you get the point) Let yourself feel what you need to feel.

And if ANYONE tries to give you any grief for grieving? (yes, this has happened to me.) even if it's well meaning? You tell them that your mother was WORTH grieving over. You'd be amazed at how fast that shuts them up.

    Bookmark   October 26, 2011 at 12:30AM
Thank you for reporting this comment. Undo

My heart goes out to you..

    Bookmark   December 24, 2011 at 1:47AM
Sign Up to comment
More Discussions
i have never felt so alone lost and frightened
i too lost my husband. he was 37 when he passed. due...
I have recently lost my husband in April. October 16...
Sudden Witnessed Death of Spouse
I am new to this forum. I found this site after Google...
Loss of my Precious son
Today marks one week that I lost my precious 22 year...
New member - gripping
Hello all - I am so glad I found this group! I'm sure...
Sponsored Products
LBL Lighting | Ashland Wall Sconce
$300.00 | YLighting
Design House 506154 Gateway Outdoor Uplight - 7.75 x 20.75 in. - Oil Rubbed Bron
$132.99 | Hayneedle
Safavieh Handmade Treasured Dark Plum Wool Rug (8' Round)
Safavieh Runner: Anatolia Grey and Red 2' 3" x 8'
Home Depot
Bridgeport Bronze Two-Light Outdoor Wall Mount
$99.90 | Bellacor
Flos | Glo-Ball C Ceiling Light
People viewed this after searching for:
© 2015 Houzz Inc. Houzz® The new way to design your home™