It Comes And Goes....

jenniferwMay 20, 2005

Since my mother's passing a week ago, my sadness has been coming and going. It was so consistent at first and now that I'm back at work I don't have the time to think about it as much. I'm still sad, but I feel that I should be more sad than I am.

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From my own experience, it takes time. My mother died a month ago and I spent 4 days basically waiting for her to pass. After the funeral, I didn't cry at all until one night when I went through some of her belongings that I brought back to my home on the other side of the country. I haven't cried since though. I was happy to finally have a dream with my mother in it. My dh wanted to play an old home movie tonight that has my late father and mother in it. My first thought was to not watch it because I didn't want to see my father. My mother (who I was very close to) didn't enter my mind. I don't think I've really accepted her passing yet. It just doesn't seem real to me.

    Bookmark   May 20, 2005 at 11:51PM
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Jennifer - that's why I've referred to these emotions as a roller coaster. And, as time goes by there is more and more space between the dips. My husband died unexpectedly last September and I stayed out of work for 3 weeks. When I made the decision to go back I didn't know if I could even do my job but I knew I had to do something other than what I had been doing. I would never have thought anything - especially a job - could have distracted me from my pain but that is what happened. So maybe you aren't feeling as sad now because your sadness isn't your entire focus anymore. Does that make sense? And, I also go through periods of numbness. At first the numb was shock but now I don't know what it is unless it's just my body's way of taking over in order to give me a break. And, I think Marie makes a good point about her mother's death not seeming real to her. There are times when I am still overwhelmed with disbelief. Mostly when I allow myself to think of something in the future and remember Bob won't be there with me. Hang in there and allow yourself time to grieve. Distractions are good because they allow you to set down your grief for awhile but it's important to come back to it later so you can complete the healing process.

    Bookmark   May 21, 2005 at 6:54AM
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I think the best way to describe the feeling that come with losing someone are 'conflicted'.

especially when the person gone is one of the people you went to when things were chaotic, or painful.

there is no such thing as 'as sad as you should be'...loss is leavened by relief, grief by calm, just as any relationship between two people is happy and sad and comforting and challenging- sometimes in the same visit.

it is not a sin to find humour in the world after a loved one leaves- any more than it's a crime to miss them 30 years later with an intensity that others find alarming (my poor husband DID find my occasional crying jags alarming- so his willingness to SHARE them with me makes all the difference in the world to me)

if you're inclined, keeping a joural might help you- not just in keeping track of things, but in setting things down so on bad days, you can look and say 'things were ok on tuesday, I can let myself mourn freely, and be fine again by friday' as well as 'wow, that was a really horrible week, I think I'm going to make mom's favorite cookies, and share them with the office. "

    Bookmark   May 23, 2005 at 3:16PM
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Gosh, I just posted on one of your other threads. Good to hear from you. Glad you are back to work. It does help to have something else on your mind. My mom is still with me, but it is day to day. She has had 3 heart attacks and been in ICU 5 times since Jan.15. No chance for surgery. Her kidneys are failing..her blood pressure is so low it is alarming. She is losing weight rapidly and to make things worse, she has been totally blind for 10 years. This has been the worst 4 months of my life. Trying to be uplifting and optimistic with her and yet knowing in my heart of hearts she is hanging by a thread. I keep my cell phone next to my bed, expecting a call at any time. Sorry...didn't mean to steal your thread. Just wanted to vent. Bless you. Duane

    Bookmark   May 23, 2005 at 5:37PM
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I definitely agree about her death "not seeming real". With all I do in my regular everyday life, I haven't had the time to sit and think about how real it is. I will never see, speak to, hear, or touch my mom ever again. That's NOT a pleasant thought and I keep putting it out of my mind. But I do know that it will eventually hit me and hit me hard when it does. And that scares me to be quite honest. I'm going to take chinacat's advice and start keeping a journal. I think it may help me to look back through it each week.
And ((((((Duane))))))) My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to email me.

    Bookmark   May 23, 2005 at 6:20PM
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Jennifer, thanks very much for the virtual hugs! You are a good person. Don't worry about it just 'hitting' you. I think it will be a gradual thing and not hit you like a truck. You have started healing already but writing that letter and getting support here. Just take each day as it comes. I have my good days..some good/some bad days..but you just gotta keep trying to live your life and be happy. It is ok to cry too. When I really get down I get a lot of comfort from my dog. He puts his head in my lap and gives me his paw and looks at me with those sad puppy dog eyes. Kinda makes me laugh and I feel a little better. Take every small joy in life and savor it. We aren't here for a long time so enjoy what makes you happy. You will heal. Your friend, Duane

    Bookmark   May 24, 2005 at 5:58PM
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Jennifer I have gone through the exact same thing with having lost my daughter and my mom. I think our bodies have a built in defensive mechanism that only allows us to take in so much at a time. My beautiful daughter has been gone 7 years and I still don't feel that I have reached the intensity of sadness that I could. I feel the same about my mom. She will be gone for a year on June 3. I think my body will not allow me to reach that depth. I know that I really don't want to go there yet. Subconsciously, I am preventing it. It's a place that I don't want to go and may never go. I may reach the pinnacle of my grief for both my mom and my daughter at some point, but only when I am ready for it. Until then, I will take it all gradually as my body can handle it.
I am very sorry about the loss of your mom.

Here is a link that might be useful: Christin Cosby Memorial Web Site

    Bookmark   May 27, 2005 at 11:01PM
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I know what you mean I lost my son april the 4 of a massive heart attack. He was only 30 years old. And it is very hard to cope with no one wants to talk to you they dont know how to......

    Bookmark   May 28, 2005 at 3:03PM
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I watched a old western this morning and James Stewart mentioned that his dead wife of 16 years was only resting and that she'd be back with him someday.

That line stayed with me. My mother's been gone only 1 month and I haven't been dwelling on it. I guess the not feeling real part is true for me. It's as though I expect us to have a conversation soon which I know is impossible. I did dream of her once since her passing and that felt comforting. I just don't think I will ever come to absolute terms with this. Forever is just too long.

    Bookmark   May 28, 2005 at 6:29PM
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My daughter passed away 8 months ago and I'm on that
emotional roller coaster. This week has really been bad. I'm
just so depressed and lonely. Lonely with a husband and 2
dogs in the house. Other children call me but not enough
for me. I just feel so numb most of the time. I feel like
it will never be ok again.

    Bookmark   May 30, 2005 at 9:13PM
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Jennifer, how are you doing? I hope your heart is healing little by little. Thinking about you and your Mom. Check in when you have the time.


    Bookmark   June 6, 2005 at 4:51PM
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Hi all! Sorry I've been scarce lately. I've been trying to pick up all the pieces that have fallen since my mom died. So far, I've been handling everything fairly well. I got a huge shock this past week when I found out that she left me her entire life insurance. It's an extremely large sum of money and I'm having very mixed feelings about the fact that she left it all to me even though we hadn't talked for a couple of years before she died. My step father is furious and making my life hell, but I figure that my mom was NOT a stupid woman and she did what she wanted to do with her money.
Anyway, I still have my moments when I break down out of nowhere. Like the other day, a certain song that reminds me of her came on when I was out and I had to excuse myself and go have a quick cry. Also, the other day I was calling my fiance and happened to come across her # in my cell phone. That one really shook me. But other than that I'm fine. I hope you're all doing well, and I'll try to get in here more often than I've been.

    Bookmark   June 9, 2005 at 6:03PM
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hmm- could your trouble with your mum have had anything to do with her husband? that's a pretty crass thing for a guy who's just lost his wife to be doing...

and obviously, she did what she did while living with him, eh? I think that tells me everything I need to know.

it's not like you suddenly own the house, and are evicting him- or even coming in to take 'mom's favorites'...

I'm sorry you're being distracted with the basest of human behavior- but sometimes, blowing up in someone's face is a damned good way to let off steam- and even a short outburst (loud enough for everyone to hear) can have a salutatory effect on the terminally annoying...I've found that slapping them with uncomfortable truths usually makes them back off.

    Bookmark   June 13, 2005 at 3:41PM
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Anniversary dates are the hardest...I was divorced after 36 years together and just when I think I'm over it..over 5 years now....there it is again...thank you for your website...

    Bookmark   March 13, 2011 at 12:51PM
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Oh my...I haven't been here in a while and decided to stop in today and what is the first thing I see? This thread that I posted almost 6 years ago when my mom first died! I forgot how difficult and confusing it was in the beginning. It's so strange to look back and read my initial thoughts about my mom's death almost 6 years later. I'm happy I decided to stop in today and saw this thread at the very top! It reminds me how far I've come and how strong I am now compared to back then!!!

    Bookmark   March 14, 2011 at 12:28PM
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It has been three years since my Dad passed. At first, it really didn't feel real. Almost as if He might come back from where he went. It is really difficult to accept that as far as this world is concerned I won't be seeing him except maybe in a dream. I don't know if the true meaning of it has reached me totally. I like what the poster above said about how our Loved ones are only resting til we are rejoined. After all, we will eventually die too.

I ran across a web site for the army medical corp. which my Dad was in during WW2. I think he would have liked participating in this forum. I have some of his military items. He was in the Army Medical Corp., 4th Division. He was a Sgt. 5 Stripes (not sure what that means).

A great link for anyone who is interested:

I find myself remembering the Movie Ghost with Swayze. The final scene when he gets to say Goodbye to Molly:
"It's amazing Molly, the Love Inside, You take it with you. See Ya..."

Keep your chins up. Hope. We'll seem them one day.

Hugs Everyone.

    Bookmark   March 15, 2011 at 11:18PM
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