Mom died and I'm having such a hard time
Hello. I can relate to SO much on here. My Mom passed away almost 1 month ago. She was just 6 days short of 72. My sister and I are having such a hard time dealing with it. My Mom was in and out of the hospital for 4 plus months with aspiration pneumonia, congestive heart failure, COPD, high blood sugar, etc. It seemed like every step forward she made, she took two steps back. But she did get better. That is one of the things that is so upsetting. It wasn't one of the things listed above that took her, it was a bedsore that led to MRSA, that led to C-Diff infection. The care she received at the hospital and nursing home was horrible. The hospital overmedicated her, then did a swallow test, which of course she failed. She then had a feeding tube put in. Physical therapy consisted of lifting her up and putting her in a recliner next to her bed, which I am sure led to the bedsore. My sister is thinking we should file a lawsuit. At one point the nursing home put her too close to the edge of the bed and she fell out and broke her nose. The thought of never seeing her again is overwhelming to me. There has not been one day go by that I haven't cried. She was also having a problem with dementia and had withdrawn so much. Her short term memory was pretty much gone. My sister and I cared for her like she was a child, brushing her teeth, picking out her clothes, etc. I have never really been a religous person, but am SO hoping there is an afterlife. I talk to my Mom everyday and have begged her to visit me at least once, just so I will know she is okay. We weren't with her when she passed either. We had been with her most of the night, and she kept opening her eyes, agitated and whispering "Help me". The nurse came in to clean her up because the C-diff infection caused her to have diarreah. They told us that her vitals were all good. We went back in the room and she was sleeping peacefully. We decided to go home and get a good nights sleep and come back the next day. She passed away the next morning. My sister and I both realized that we didn't think she was going to die. We shoud have, but she had come back so many times during this. I just wish I had a chance to do so many things over. My Mom lived alone and didn't drive. She enjoyed bingo, euchre, sitting outside with friends. I wish I had visited her more, but I was always "so busy". Now I am wondering what I was so busy doing. Since she has been gone I feel like I have nothing but time on my hands and I hate it. I feel restless, raw and exposed. Mother's Day is coming and it makes me so sad. I don't think we even made a big deal out of it last year. Oh, I'm sure I called her and said Happy Mother's Day, but that was probably it. Why? I guess I just thought she would be here forever. I used to lecture her when she would complain, telling her "it could always be worse" and "you need to take better care of yourself". I am 45, I should be dealing with this better. I feel like a little girl that has lost her Mommy. I tell her everyday now how much I love her, how proud I am of her and how I wish I had been a bettr daughter. I just hope she hears me. Sorry this is so long. I am sure many people quit reading a long time ago, if you finished, thanks for listening.