Dating again after losing a spouse

lasershowMay 22, 2006

I met a nice man in a grief support group, and we've been dating for the past few weeks. I am the first woman he's dated since his wife died a few years ago. I'm sort of betwixt and between here. On one hand, I think he wants to move forward, but on the other hand I think he just wants to stay in the past, honoring the memory of his wife. He still wears his wedding ring, which is getting to be a little weird for me. He talks about her a lot and I've tried to be supportive, but sometimes it's all I can do not to blurt out "do you want to make a go of a relationship with me or do you want to stay in the past forever?" He is young, too; they were together about 18 years. He's bitter and angry that she was taken from him at such a young age. I understand that, but it makes me feel very awkward when he says that and ponders out loud "Everything was going so great...we were having fun..."

I really like this man and don't want to necessarily throw in the towel prematurely, but I'm at a loss here. For those of you who have lost a spouse and then re-entered the dating world at some point: could you give me some advice on how best to handle this? Am I being too sensitive about him still wearing his ring? Any advice would be appreciated!

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socks

I've not been in your situation, but it sounds like he is not ready for a relationship. Your patience is running a little thin, and I don't blame you. Just my 2 cents.

    Bookmark   May 22, 2006 at 9:00PM
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tjmondragon

Hello, well leonard has been gone for almost 11 months and I cant even imagine dating someone else. I have also not taken off my ring and I even get angry when people talk to me like hes not here anymore. But I am very sentimental and I feel like I am only 30 and was only 29 and will be a single girl until I meet him in heaven , But on the other hand I know of two ladies who are very close to me who have both tried to move on after they lost their husbands and they are different situations. My friend judy waited about 3 years and was reluctant to date again but larry kept on pushing and finally she gave in. he was a friend of her husbands and has taken very good care of her. My sister in law is another story she started talking to guys shortly after her husband passed but in her situation she did it for the wrong reasons. She did it because she was lonley and didnt like to be alone. And 3 years later you still see her put her rings back on and has never taken pictures down , she talkes about him alot to this day also, so I guess what im trying to say is he is always going to love her and she is always going to be part of his life and trying to make him forget about her or rush him to is not going to work if he still talkes about her that much and has not taken off his ring then he is not ready to move on. Im sorry if this is not good news for you but you can remain friends and maybe in the future when he is ready you will be there for him. I hope this helps you.
Tracy

    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 1:52AM
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lulie___wayne

I haven't been in your situation either, but I will tell you what I think about this if you don't mind.
The fact that he still talks about his wife and still wears his ring show that he was a very devoted husband who loved his wife very much. It demonstates the love that he is capable of having for someone else when the time is right. I personally, believe that being friends with someone before an intimate relationship is ideal. Maybe if you just keep trying to be patient, listen to him, and be his friend, he will grow to love you as he did his wife. As Tracy said, his wife was part of his life and always will be, but that doesn't mean that he won't in time, love again.
When my daughter, Christin, was killed her boyfriend told his mom that he would not date anyone who would not be willing to listen to him talk about her. He loved her and said that he always would and that she was part of his life. He is now happily married with a new baby girl and although he loves his wife, he still has Christin in his heart as part of his past.
Good luck to us and keep us posted. I wish you the best!!
LU

    Bookmark   May 23, 2006 at 3:56AM
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johnsoncm5_yahoo_com

it has been 7months since my wonderful husband, pass away at the age of 35 yr.old due to cardic arrest and my new life is something i dont want to get use to but i must for the sake of our kids.my husband was sent to me by GOD to enlighten me to get closer to my savior. I know GOD allows things to happen for a reason and that is for me to build my fake with HIM.i have learn to love the people in your life now & forgive now,just like my husband did.he live life to the fullest & always knew that GOD was in control of his life.i am bless to have had him in my life,my husband also introduce to my wonderful pastor,who has been a tredmous help in my life teaching me the trends of the true word of GOD.i know without a shadow of doubt i would be the GOD fearing woman i am today without the mercy&grace of GOD sharing my life with my husband for we was together for 8 short yrs.of love,carig,patience,longstuffering,meekness.i am trying get threw this painful sorrow of missing my husband.i have learn to trust GOD.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2011 at 9:17PM
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philpaul06

I have been dating a wonderful woman who lost her husband nearly three years ago. They were married for 35 years. I have encouraged her to talk about her love for him and to share wonderful stories, from their marriage, with me. She loved him very much and I cannot expect her to suddenly shift her feelings to me after just a couple of months.
I have been a grief counselor in the past, working with Hospice Care. Grief is a process that can be resolved relatively quickly for some and very gradually for others. Please don't minimize your friend's pain. If you are patient and understanding then perhaps over time he will realize just what a great "find" you are and may find closure, from the wife that he loved, and a new beginning with you.

    Bookmark   August 24, 2011 at 6:55PM
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