My husband passed away recently

newbee1950May 31, 2009

My husband passed away three weeks ago and I am having a difficult time emotionally.

He had stage 4 brain cancer--very aggressive and didn't respond to any of the treatments. I had to watch my sweet husband go from a healthy, strong 63yo to a complete invalid in a matter of months.

He wanted to die at home and I followed his last wishes to the letter. I was at his side when he took his last breath.

I can't seem to get my anxiety under control even with medication. I wake up a couple of times a night in a panic, crying and calling out to him. I sometimes think I am going crazy with this overwhelming grief.

Please tell me it gets easier with time--otherwise I don't think I can go on.

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mav63_2007

Dear Newbee,
I am so sorry for your loss and send you my deepest condolences. I too lost my husband at 62yo 2 1/2 years ago from pancreatic cancer, I wanted to die and go with him. The pain of grief is the most excruciating pain there is. Yes, it will get easier but it will take time, how much time I cannot tell you, I think it is individual. After a while you will experience a lesser degree of grief and have many more better days. You don't mention children or a job? These are what kept me sane because I knew that our children and grandchildren needed me to help them with their grief and my job was a distraction for 7 hours a day. My therapist (I hope you have one - if not please find one)told me that the grief was so painful because our love was so strong. After a few more weeks you will start to come out of the fog then please get out and meet your friends or anything else that will get you out of the house because my first instinct was that I didn't want to interact with anyone but I knew that was not healthy so I forced myself. I now have a lot of widowed friend and I look at how they are continuing with their life and take my que from them, I am sure that they are like me, in the evenings at home alone; sad and lonely. Pray, I talk a lot to God and thank him for my husband's life that he shared with me and I talk to my husband telling how much I love him and always will.
God Bless you, I wish I had a magic wand to help everyone who is going through what we are. Please keep in touch here and let us know how you are doing.
A big HUG for you.
Mav.

    Bookmark   May 31, 2009 at 7:38PM
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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mav has given you excellent insight born of her own experience;

the only thing I can add in the way of "advice" is that you *can* cry, sob, holler, cuss, & howl at the moon if you want.

An old friend told me that she went out to the back yard on a moonlit night, climbed onto the trampoline, & "bawled & squalled & snotted & hollered" until she was drained, & it helped her.

I wish you the best.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 12:21PM
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cindy292

I lost my husband from pancreatic cancer 20 months ago and it is still a fight for "normal" living every day. We had a wonderful marriage and he was my best friend. After all of the famous fog and numbness of last year, I have finally ventured out more and met other widows, taken trips north to see my children and managed to take care of my home and finances on my own.

I don't think I'll ever get really over it - I just think it will get a little easier to cope with over time. I'm 70 now, slowing down in pace which is partly due to the inertia that can come with grief and partly from my own health issues.

I pray for everyone going through this that they find peace and strength; are gentle with themselves and do a Gratitude List on the worst days since, even then, we can always find things we are fortunate to have or be able to do.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 1:08AM
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mav63_2007

Dear Cindy,
I am so sorry for your loss, pancreatic cancer is the worst one a person can have and my dearest husband was the bravest person I will ever know.
In my case, getting out and getting involved with other people has been my saving grace. A broken heart will never mend but it will heal a bit if you help it out. I took a tip from people on this forum and I write letters to my love telling him all about my life since he left and I keep them in a box. This really helps and every once in a while I take them out to read them and they show me how far I have come. Even with a lot of family and friends around you can still be lonely in a crowed room, that will never go away. We need to keep on keeping on because that is what they want us to do and some day we will all be reunited with our loved ones again.
God Bles you and keep up the good work.
Mav.

    Bookmark   June 4, 2009 at 11:30AM
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barker_tx

For those of you who have lost a spouse to any kind of cancer, there is a forum group called FACING AHEAD which I have found helpful, in addition to participating in a grief therapy group, reading numerous books about how to deal with the loss of a loved one, etc., staying busy, etc.

Yes, it is terribly hard and I 'wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy' - but there it is and I know he would want me to go on living and not 'fall apart' s0 that is what I am trying very hard to do.

I keep a sort of journal which is basically written specifically to him just telling him what is going on around me. He was my soul mate and just the right person to come along in my life at the time (we would have been married 29 years next week). I don't understand why I couldn't have had him in my life longer but maybe it is not for me to 'understand' but to simply 'accept' that part of my life is complete and it is time for me to move on, even though I don't want to move on without him.

Carolyn (he died 2/13/09 of esophageal cancer after fighting it for almost 2 years))

    Bookmark   June 5, 2009 at 9:39PM
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portercourtney62_yahoo_com

I lost my husband two months ago, its been really hard for me. we were married for three years and i have a 16 month old by him. we found out a couple of months before he passed that i was pregnant again. i dont know what caused his death, he was only 25. we went to sleep that night, i woke up beside him, and noticed his eye lids were blue, and he was not breathing. after we found out he was gone, i was aking myself why, im only 23 and why do i have to go thro something like this. i still dont know how to cope with this!!!!!!!!!

    Bookmark   February 24, 2011 at 11:14AM
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mav63_2007

Oh sweetheart, I am so, so sorry for your loss, my heart aches for you. You shouldn't have to go through this so soon. Your grief must be enormous. I don't even know what to say to you. Your babies are going to keep you busy and keep their daddy close to you so make sure you have all his photos and other memorabelia so that they can know him. Do you have parents, his parents and other family members for support? I can only tell you that time will help. God bless you and your son and the new little one.

    Bookmark   February 24, 2011 at 5:00PM
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taunia

I am sorry for your loss. I too lost my DH 9 mos ago. The grief comes in waves; sometimes something sets it off, and other times, it just comes right out of the blue. He was only 52. We have an 11 y.o.boy; I had him at 43. For me, it's taking time. You are in my prayers.

    Bookmark   February 28, 2011 at 1:53PM
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scott_63_nd_edu

As I read all of your post my heart cry's out to God for you all, I loss my dear husband, my best friend , my sweet love 9 months ago, I have been in one of the darkest places I have ever been, I am in the middle of Grief, uncontrollable grief, it make very tired, it steal my energy away, it is a sadness like no other I have ever known, but only though this darkness I can see a light , it is the light that helps me to continue to get up every day, the light that keeps a small flame of hope in my broken heart, the same light that lets me reassure my Children of the love of Christ,no matter what the pain feels like he has not forsaken us, This light tell me that we human are truly eternal beings and this life it temporary, So I put my hopes and dreams in Gods hands so he can repair it and prepared a family reunion that I can only dream about, so I know I will be with my love again forever. So I am not telling you that the grief or the pain will lessen, but by putting my focus on God, I will make it though until we are together again.

    Bookmark   March 19, 2011 at 8:04AM
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reno7590_yahoo_com

Ok here is just a few of my issues..I was with my husband for a total of 7 years, and did not expect it to end so quickly. when we found out he was sick, it was hard to believe. i was there everyday in the hospital and spent the night often, and ended up not being there when he passed away..I am having a very hard time with that as well as the physical aspect of him not being here anymore. Its been 1yr and 4 months and after his death nothing had worked out for me. No social security, no insurance money, i let go of my house and moved back with my parents. all i want is for him to let me know somehow that he is here or somthing. i had no closeure and i have been allowing that to get in my way of moving forward..im angry. and i have only been to the cemetery once, not by choice..anyone have similar issues??

    Bookmark   April 6, 2011 at 9:40PM
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KerryK

My Husband died on 3/25/2012 from lung cancer. I was there when he passed and I ask God for his mercy. I have come to believe that grief is the price you pay to love someone. I know it's hard but I am grateful for the 20 years we had together, I still cry and feel sad but I am going to be okay paying that price. I would do it again if asked.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2012 at 9:45PM
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mav63_2007

Kerry, I am so very sorry about your loss. I too am grateful for 37 years with my love and I cry too somtimes even though it had been 5 1/2 years because I miss him so much. I have said everything I feel in my posts above. I wanted to tell you may God Bless you, you will be reunited with your love some day.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2012 at 10:39AM
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lovingmemory

Oh my heart aches for those of you that have lost your spouses and especially so suddenly. I would hope that if I were ever in the same position that I would be able to honor the last wishes of my husband and be there for him til his last breath. I can't imagine the strength and courage it took to do so. I am so very very sorry for your losses!

    Bookmark   September 16, 2012 at 7:33PM
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