Nephew Just Died

jbkiddMay 3, 2006

My nephew just died, he was all alone. He was 45 years old. He was disabled due to a stroke he suffered 10 years ago. For the past 8 years his parents and 4 brothers would not have anything to do with him. He had 2 children that maybe spoke to him twice a year.

My Mother, his Grandmother always took time to talk to Steven on a weekly basis to see how he was, she would take him out to shop and get his hair cut.

Now his family want a memorial service for him. I would like to write something to reflect how he was treated. Any suggestions.

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lazy_gardens

Do you want to start a family feud? If you go in with a memorial speech "to reflect how he was treated" ... you just might ensure that no one ever speaks to you again.

Thanking your mum for her unwavering concern would be OK, but criticising anyone would not be polite. For all you know, he did something unforgivable.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2006 at 5:31PM
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jbkidd

Nothing is ever that unforgiveable. All he ever wanted was to have someone phone him once in a while and say "Hi how are you doing", not too much to ask.

If I start a feud, well so be it, I have nothing to feel guilty about.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2006 at 6:09PM
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adoptedbyhounds

SO sorry about your nephew. It sounds like you cared a lot about him. My suggestion is to think about how you can help make the best, most beautiful memorial in his memory. Make it about what made him so special to you, and as a human being. What would have made HIM happy and proud to hear? It seems like your plan to share your anger might make you feel better, but don't you think it might take away from the idea of celebrating his life? Out of respect for him, I hope you will think carefully about doing anything that would have upset him if he were alive to see it.

    Bookmark   May 3, 2006 at 6:52PM
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ross939

So sorry for your loss. Your feelings are valid and I'm sure your emotions are quite raw at this time. Your comment, "For all you know, he did something unforgivable," Lazygardens, was confrontational, to say the least and frankly makes no sense for someone who knows absolutely nothing about a personal family situation. I believe that, in time, you have the right to question family members. More often than not, we disguard our elderly and disabled relatives, like unwanted trash. We institutionalize them in nursing homes, developmental centers, etc, visiting them only on holidays. Be aware that your family situation is not unique. It happens more than you could imagine. It was not right for your relatives to place the burdon on you and your mother for all those years. It might have been more appropriate for you and your mother to air your concerns while your nephew was still living. I would talk about your feelings to your mother before you confront the others, and, like Nokoleta suggested, I hope you think carefully before saying something at the memorial service. This would be highly inappropriate. I have been on both ends of situations like this. I was the one who looked after my mother in her declining last couple of years At that time, my brother was out exploring the world and having fun. Later, when my father's health began to deteriorate, I was preoccupied with my own family and rarely visited my father, while my brother took care of him. I know, to this day, we harbor bad feelings towards each other over this, because we haven't sat down and discussed it. I know these things can divide families forever. Don't let that happen to you.
--good luck,
--John

    Bookmark   May 5, 2006 at 12:33AM
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jennmonkey

I would say bring these things up to the family either before or after the memorial if you feel like you need to say them. I wouldn't say them during the memorial because it is supposed to be a celebration of his life. I understand why you are so angry at the family and I think you SHOULD say something, I just don't think the memorial is the appropriate place to do it.

    Bookmark   May 5, 2006 at 6:30PM
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lulie___wayne

I too, am very sorry about the death of your nephew and also how he was treated by some family members.
I also agree with others who have advised you not to mention those negative feelings at the memorial. I believe that his memorial should be a celebration of his life, not about others' neglect.
I also believe that maybe when your feelings aren't so raw and painful, that you could let the family know how you feel/felt about how he was treated in life. It may make you feel better to get it off of your chest.
It must be so hard after you lose someone who you love so much to think of anyone having mistreated them in life.
Lu

    Bookmark   May 5, 2006 at 10:47PM
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earthlydelights

jb

i am so terribly sorry for your loss.
honor him in his death, as you did in his life.
do not make waves with family members -- it is truly their loss and will haunt them the rest of their days. it's not up to you to blast them at what is to be the final tribute to a man you cared about. do not stoop to their ugly level.
just be strong.

when and if someone approaches you to express their condolences or express their "sorrow", you can just mention (with a clear heart)how he would have loved a visit, a call, a card - how it would have meant so much to him in the last of his life. don't be mean about it, just let them feel that sting.

God bless you.

maryanne/earthly

p.s. i left you some poems on the other thread.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2006 at 2:37PM
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