the nightmare continues...

SandiBluffsMay 9, 2005

Hi there, I have known and read this forum before, but it is so sad, so I haven't typed. Please, do you have a suggestion. Hoping to find a support group. Don't know where to begin. Have done the "shrink" thing. I am informed that I am depressed. Duh!

My story: 8 years ago the nightmare began.

1996--2 miscarriages

1997--baby born, died after 13 minutes(cried for 4 years)

--church fell apart, support system gone

--fired from job in favor of MAN who knew nothing about position

--kids sent to school after being homeschooled since day one (dad's choice)

My 3 reasons for getting up everyday were gone.

That's not all, but those are the biggies.

I felt so helpless and hopeless. I have lost all trust in myself and people in general.

My sparkling personality has gone flat. People tell me I have an attitude. I feel hostile.

I have the opportunity to rejoin the human race, but I don't know if I can without having a meltdown. (facing menopause at this time, too) I am locked back in 1997. The people I know now have no idea about my background.

Is it too late to find a support group?? ...and where would I find one? SB

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I'm sorry to hear of your situation. What sort of a support group are you hoping to find? A general one, or one more specifically targeted to your losses?

Yes, you are depressed but that is not surprising, considering all you've been through. I think you would do well with therapy (remember, all therapists are not created alike -- try another one) and perhaps group therapy.

There are groups specifically targeted for parents of stillborn children. Likewise, there are groups for those who suffer from low self-esteem. A good therapist would help you make sense of the things you are feeling and guide you to what community resources he/she felt might be of assistance to you.

You mentioned your church fell apart. Have you sought fellowship in another church? Is there a pastor or counselor there you could talk to?

    Bookmark   May 9, 2005 at 4:17PM
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Hi Sandi,
It would be a miracle if you WEREN'T depressed! You have suffered some major losses, and they were so close together that you didn't have much time to adjust. That could give anyone an "attitude" and make one feel "hostile" in a hurry. It's not a character flaw to feel pain and be distressed over having to handle those losses, especially when you've been struggling for such a long time without feeling much better. Please consider what "lasershow" suggested, and don't give up on finding a mental health professional you can work with. Start by visiting your family doc, and telling him or her what you wrote here. Your doc may have ideas on some resources like support groups that you can tap into. You can get a referral to a different, more appropriate (for you) therapist. Your doc may also ask you if you want to consider medication. Please don't give up on finding NEW ways to enjoy your life again. Your "three reasons for getting up" need their mom healthy and happy, and so does your husband. Please go see your family doctor ASAP. You don't have to feel so sad...

    Bookmark   May 9, 2005 at 6:34PM
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Hi there. Thank you for your responses. I have talked to the doc. One thought I should be on drugs, one thought not. We have insurance issues on drugs and therapists. Not covered.

Looking for a group covering anger, I guess. That is my #1 challenge. A low self esteem group would be good, too. I checked a pile of books out of the library on such issues. Might help. Someone said that I don't deal with change well. Hmmmmmm..........

Church people don't deal well with this kind of situation. If you are not better in 3 days, they move on. I would rather deal with people who haven't had "perfect" lives. Someone who has "been there".

Thanks again for your input. You are very kind. SB :)

    Bookmark   May 11, 2005 at 4:56PM
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chinacat_sunflower are more than depressed. you have become habitualized to it. the most insidious thing about depression is that it carves pathways in our mind that, like any other habit, may make no sense, but are all the harder to break for that very reason.

you have three living children. the ones who were too fragile for this place - they are safe. if your children were sent 'away' to school and you are deprived of their company- (as opposed to coming home every day, in which case I would suggest cherishing that time, as well as the time you have to yourself ) then you have issues with your husband that need to be resolved.

I am something of a screaming radical pagan, but the man I turn to again and again for comfort when the world gets too big for me is C S Lewis- I might suggest you start with 'the problem of pain' which addresses many of the issues that you seem to be struggling with.

1997 is a lifetime away from now. and whether you have spent the intervening years crying in your sleep, or pretending to be 'just like everyone else' is not then unless you force it to be (and while you may not deal with change well- I think even you can see that those dark years may not be the healthiest ones to cling to)

rather than a support group, what you may find yourself drawn to is a service position where you are called upon to practice the very things you are yourself lacking- confidence in the face of a threatening future, love in the face of loss, being a part of the world in the face of the possibility of rejection.

and yes, it can be beaten. drugs can help, in the short term. therapy can help- but so can a copy of 'wishcraft' 'vein of gold' or spider Robinson's 'the law of conservation of pain' .

I've used all three over the wounds are just scars, now- and my husband's been off the meds, and gainfully employed for 6 straight years now, much to the wonderment of most, who had pretty much given up on him.

blessed be. seriously.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2005 at 2:17PM
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Hello Again Sandi,

I am concerned that, for whatever reason, you are not discussing this problem with your family doctor or a mental health professional. Depression is a very serious MEDICAL condition that can sneak up on people and destroy their lives. Depression is NOT a treat-it-yourself condition, any more than heart disease or diabetes is. I repeat: It is a MEDICAL condition. When someone has been suffering without relief for as long as you have, with so much sadness, anger and hopelessness, it is CRITICAL that that person seek professional treatment. The longer you wait, the longer you delay actually feeling better and more like the person you talked about. You know. The one with the sparkling personality. She's in there somewhere, but can't find her way out. Please call your family doctor and let him or her worry about what might or might not be covered by your insurance. You may be surprised at what strings your doctor can pull when the diagnosis is depression. You could be well on your way to finding your old self by the time the kids get out of school for the summer. Make the call for yourself, and for them.

    Bookmark   May 12, 2005 at 7:36PM
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Have you talked to the hospital chaplin, or the social service department for the type of support group that would help you? Look in the paper for support groups or talk to medical doctors. Go one day at a time and you will make it. Is there a park, or someplace in nature you can go safetly that would help relax you. Sometimes just being outside in a area with birds and flowers and trees help.--they do me anyway. Just be safe.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2005 at 10:48PM
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