loss of my first love
As i walked the earth in the months following the accident I ached for it not to be true and every structure in the visible world ached with me. The conrete ached with me, the bitumen ached, the metal handrails... When we are consumed by them our emotions are seamlessly and endlessly overlaid on the physical universe.
When someone you love dies it is like there is a hollow pit inside of you ready for pain to course through and double you over. You are ever ready for such an attack.
Eventually the pain starts to suffocate you. Its like it has filled you up and has nowhere else to go inside your body. It cannot escape so it starts choking you. No release, no relief. You roll around on the floor and one or two tears stream from your eyes. Its almost worse than not crying at all. At least when you are not crying you imagine that you will soon and feel better.
No wonder i ran away from that place. Every sensation i felt - the cold on my face, the groginess upon waking, the sight of sunrise on the gothic churches was full of him. There was nowhere that i could look and no nerve stimulation that did not remind me that he was never going to be in my physical universe again. The agony of that truth was crippling and devastating. it bought me to my emotional knees time and time again until i was burnt out with hurting.
And so i left and it felt a little less dying inside....
That was 10 years ago and i still miss him today.