Dreading Mother's Day

kenwah2009April 21, 2009

I am dreading mother's day. Been almost 3 months since mom died. I feel like I still have her tucked in her bed in the Nursing Home....I feel like I'm going to wake up on Mother's Day.....lost. Overwhelmed. Feeling the full impact of my loss.

Frankly, I'm sort of scared.

I don't even want to hear of plans that my kids have for me. It makes me too emotional to even go there....

Any advice? How do I confront this? I keep busy and distracted....I think so I don't feel anything.

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Last year, my first MD without my Mother, I celebrated her life by remembering what a fantastic person and mother she was.

I remember my mother with smiles. My loss is her gain..she's with my father, her parents and all the loved ones she missed.

    Bookmark   April 22, 2009 at 11:51AM
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I'm so sorry for you loss.

Busy & distracted works...

but for Mother's Day, maybe you can, as monica says, celebrate her life, & fill your heart with the love that she gave you & that you now give to your kids...her grandchildren, the next link in her chain of life.

    Bookmark   April 23, 2009 at 5:26PM
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I really am sorry for your loss and know what you mean because I lost my mother and then most recently brother, we were living together and caring for one another and I don't know what I will do on mothers day either. Since my brother Mike passed I feel like I am in some kind of fog and don't sleep. When he was here he always came up with a good way for us to celebrate and remember mom on her day. Plus his birthday comes shortly after mothers day so it's going to be a tough month.

God Bless

    Bookmark   April 25, 2009 at 3:25PM
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Thanks....but there's a big hole.

Celebrate her life.....how do you do that when all you want is to feel her arms around you and hear her say, "Hi, honey"?

I still feel the freshness of my loss. I don't know how I can't feel down on Mother's Day...I can try to be happy, celebrate her life....what does that look like?

There has to be something more that I can be doing to prepare. I have this facade I wear, like a necklace. To the outsider, I look fine. Inside, I'm broken.

Not many can see through it. Not any....except my daughter, who perceptively asked me the other day..."do you miss her"? Which set off a flood of emotions that I had buried, very deep...

I thanked her for asking. No one does, so it's easy to continue to pretend it didn't happen, that she's not really gone.

I don't know what's normal. I function...even laugh at times. Enjoy my kids and grandkids, but I feel unnatural.

I don't know how to explain it.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 9:43AM
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My mother died on April 16, 2004. I was an only child and my daddy died way back in 1965. I get depressed every April and am glad when it's over. My youngest daughter said something that I haven't forgotten. She said "I loved Granny and am sorry she is gone, but the pain isn't so bad because I still have my mother"....with that in mind I have tried not to ruin Mother's Day and all the other holidays for my four children, but have attempted to be there as "their mother." I don't want my sadness over the loss of my mother to impinge upon their happiness that their mom is still alive. Try to think of it that way this Mother's Day. Honor your mom with flowers and private grief and then go with your kids to whatever event they have planned for their mom and build happy times for them to remember after you have gone to join your mom. All the best to you.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 12:04PM
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My mom passed away 11 years ago today and mother's day is still really tough. I'm not a mother yet, but I'm already trying to figure out ways to get out of doing something with my boyfriend's mother for mother's day.

My advice would be to get up early, get in the shower and cry your heart out till you can't cry anymore and then try and have a happy day letting your children honor you. That's what I think I would do anyway. You have to do what works for you. I'm not sure there is any "preparing" you can do.

It's difficult to try and remember happy memories of someone, etc...when the wound is so fresh. It's also okay for you to let your family know that you are going to be a little sad on mother's day, as you have every right to be.

    Bookmark   April 29, 2009 at 9:14PM
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You're all correct. I don't want to be selfish and rob my kids of honoring me by being in the duldrums all day. You're right.

Thank you. By allowing them to honor me, I am creating an heritage for them, a legacy of memories of a mother who in spite of sorrow, CHOSE to allow herself to be loved.

So, if I cry in front of them, it's ok. My dad always said,

"There is nothing wrong with honest emotion".

Thank you. God bless you all who will be going through the same thing in a couple of weeks.

    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 8:12AM
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This is my first Mother's Day without my Momma also. She passed away in August 2008 and I am only now coming out of the dark hole her passing left me in.

Have found out I will become a Nana in August 2009 to twins, one boy and one girl. The first person I wanted to call with this news was Momma and I couldn't. She was also the mother of twins, my little sisters, and she would have been overjoyed at the news that my only child was going to have twins also. It is these things that bring the pain fresh to your heart.

Thank you all for your compassionate hearts for listening to my ramblings and allowing me to share my inner most feeling and thoughts about a person who truly was one of the greatest gifts in my life.



    Bookmark   April 30, 2009 at 9:40AM
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Me, too. Lost Mom on Sept. 22 of '08 and then Daddy on Sept. 27th. Daddy was ill, not Mom. She died first. Oh, my. I first started seeing the Mother's Day cards out and just sobbed in the store. I had to leave. I never know when the tears will come. My counselor (finally had to go...never had I done that in my life!) said that it's perfectly normal and ok to feel like this. I have 5 grown children (I'm 53) and 5 grandbabies. I also feel guilty for not wanting them to enjoy the day for ME, either. Oh, my. It will be my first "white corsage" day, for all of you who remember the whole "red or white" corsage on Mother's Day thing. Red if your mom is living, white if she's not. As a child, I got a pink one. There was always a white gardenia in my Mimi's refrigerator (my mother's mom, I adored her). Mom, of course, always had red (as my Mimi lived until 99). They got a little pink carnation one for me. I felt so special on that day!
God bless everyone this week going through the grief process.

    Bookmark   May 6, 2009 at 2:24PM
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Ouch, me, too. My neurologist (I have migraines) put me on low dose Lexapro two weeks ago. I know, we don't "Mask" the pain, but minimal functioning is not enough, and I know me. I can function, work, smile when need to, even laugh sincerely, love, whatever, but I do have a low grade depression and some Post Traumatic Stress. My garden needs work, my house is getting messy (I'm a good housekeeper, not fanatical, but clean, so I know this is not normal for me).
Went to a funeral yesterday of a friend, died at 84 (my dad's age when he died 4 years ago). His son in law read a letter Louie had written about his mom. (great). At the end, it said "If your mom is still alive, be sure and tell her you love her"

Well, the rest of the day was a bust for me, and today (one day before mother's day) isn't much better. I'm thinking of skipping church tomorrow.

The trees here are gorgeous, doesn't affect me. I have thought about seeing someone, but will wait another month. My mom's birthday is this month as well. She would have been 78. I"m 49, also have 5 grandchildren. They do help.

The corsage thing I've not heard of. Wow. I really feel an empty hole. Give myself time, I keep saying. Let God minister to me (but even the heavens feel as brass at this point).

Oh, I don't know. I sound like I'm being a baby about the whole thing but there's not really a close friend I can talk to who will understand. When dad died I was told by them just 4 weeks after to get over it. (his was a traumatic event, diagnosed w/stage 4 lung cancer, never left hosp, died a week later) so I don't have a close friend to spill my guts to. My husband is ok, but not quite there, you know?

Thanks for letting me vent. It helps.


I also feel annoyed and sometimes angry...normal for the grieving process...but it bothers me to feel this way.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 8:07AM
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Wow, Kendra, my doctor also said that I have post traumatic stress syndrome...I kind of laughed it off, but I think she's right! She also prescribed LexaPro. I really don't want to take it as I don't want to have that whole "weird" feeling or feel groggy. I don't know. It's the whole medical helicopter thing, walking into the hospital to see anyone else (which has happened several times), just things that hit me without even realizing what's going on. The tears just start. And I'm annoyed, too, at myself. I don't want to burden my friends with this. All of them still have their mothers! My husband has been great, but I know I'm not myself. Even with him, I don't want to talk about all of this incessantly. His dad passed away very suddenly one morning...we just got a phone call. BUT he hasn't lost his mom yet. THankfully, she's in good health (for 83, especially!) Am I jealous that she's still here and Mom isn't? no, not at all. I have chosen not to go to Mass tomorrow. I just can't. My counselor said that I probably shouldn't go this time, just give myself a break. I may do just that. I want to work in the yard or something.

Thanks, everyone, for letting me vent, also. Take care all! Someone very dear to me told me once that aside from the day we are born, the day we die is probably a very exciting one. I can't say how I feel about that, exactly, but I'd like to hope that she's right!

((())) to everyone here feeling empty.

    Bookmark   May 9, 2009 at 12:17PM
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My mom died in her sleep peacefully on Nov 25 2008 of a silent heartattack..the call that tore my life apart. I know how all of you feel. Mothers day will never be the same. I stayed home from church today and my husband said it was probably a good call as it was exactly what i thought it would be..I just can't stand it. I know what you all mean about being in a fog , we really are. My husband wants me to go away for a few days with him for our 20th anniversary in June and I just don't want to do anything or go anywhere. I don't want to think about being normal because thats gone now...I don't like the new normal. You really don't know happy until you have the other half. I will pray for all of us...its 11:27 p.m...thank God mothers day is almost over !

    Bookmark   May 10, 2009 at 11:28PM
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When my dad died January of 2005, the depression hit me over the early summer. My daughter had a European trip planned and my husband said, "Let's surprise her in Paris".
My emotions were so dulled I didn't want to go. The plan was to meet her when she was there in late November, soI had plenty of time to drum up excitement. Didn't happen, so, during my annual OBGYN appt in Oct., when they opened my chart, they had my dad's obituary in the flap. I burst into tears.
Long story short, they put me on Lexapro. By end of November I was a new person, went to Paris, loved it.
Weaned off Lexapro by April of 2006. It gave me back my life. Now, with the passing of mom, I'm back on it. It's temporary, but it helps! I got through Mother's Day with my kids/grandkids, even laughed.
I think you are ready to talk to your physician about a course of anti-depressants, because you are clinically depressed. It is not a sign of weakness, and it is NOT a life sentence. No shame, no guilt. Trauma messes with us and it is not a lack of faith.
How old are you, dyskh?

    Bookmark   May 11, 2009 at 9:03AM
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My mother is terminally ill with breast cancer. Mother's day this year was bitter sweet. I love my mother with all my heart and soul, and to see her lying in her bed, barely able to get up by herself, not eating, and wasting away is tough. On Sunday, I spent most of the day in bed with her, and I also had a gut wrenching, silent cry, when I realized that next year, on Mother's Day, I would be motherless. Very hard to imagine, and my heart goes out to all of you.

    Bookmark   May 13, 2009 at 1:28AM
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