missing mom

imeyer10April 16, 2008

My mother died March 24th this year in Mount Sinai Hospital, NY. She was only 62. She died on her 77th day in CICU, after elective valve repair surgery performed by Dr. David Adams. It was hard to watch her deteriorate physically. She was with it mentally almost till the end. She cried all the time when she knew that she had bed sores, her kidneys failed, after the lungs, and then she couldn't even squeeze my hand. Towards the end, I couldn't wake her because I knew she was in so much pain. Finally my dad agreed to hand in the previously signed Do Not Resuscitate order and she was gone. At that time it seemed for the best because I didn't want her to suffer any longer.

But now I miss her terribly. I went back to work after 3 months leave of absence, but on Weekends I feel this empty hole in my heart and I cry a lot secretly, because I don't want to upset the kids. Now with the holidays coming up, it'll be especially difficult. Like on my son's birthday, last Sunday, we went to Central Park to row boats and all of a sudden I felt tears swelling. She should have been there - this is something she would have liked to have done - she is missing all of this! She would have loved to come with us. It makes me cry at the weirdest times.

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I feel so sad for you. I just lost my sister on Sunday. I keep questioning if I did everything right. I lost my mom when she was 43 to cancer just like my sister. My sis was 51. I still miss my mom, and she has been gone for 37 years. Soon you will be able t0 share funny stories you shared in childhood, and family things you did together with out falling apart. It happens a little at a time. But you will get to that point. Be strong for your kids. Thats all I kept saying for myself. You can and you will get thru this.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2008 at 9:23PM
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Lynn is right - I lost my husband to cancer on April 17th of last year - there will be no 'getting over it', but I can work at moving forward.

I know he wouldn't want me to languish in sadness, so I try to be strong for my stepson. It isn't easy - you're right - he should be here for my stepson's graduation on May 17th, but he won't be - we are all very sad for the loss, but oh, so THANKFUL for the time we had him. He was 54.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2008 at 10:32PM
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You have me sitting here in tears. For your loss, and as a reminder of mine. Your mom's situation sounds so very similar to my mom's. She passed after a very risky heart operation. There was no choice but to try since my mom had had 5 heart attacks previously. It was our only hope. But her kidneys and lungs were shot, and the heart never really recovered. I cry every day and it's been since Jan.30 2006. I miss her so much. It is still hard to find joy in anything. And my mama was blind for the last 15 years of her life (She passed a month before age 69) and that was so hard for me to accept as well.

Keep an open mind about signs from your mom. Please. I have had some amazing signs, and it helps to know she is on the other side and looking out for me.

The latest was just a few days ago. A storm was blowing in. Half of the sky was dark and half was bright blue. A big large cloud churned overheard...churning and churning. I looked up to see my mom's face....and then she was holding a little baby...I think it was me! It made me smile and cry at the same time!

Hold onto the ones you have, especially your kids.

Remember your mom when she was healthy and happy and try not to dwell on the last part of her life with the pain and sickness. That does no good and she wants you to be happy. We will all be reunited with our loved one in due time.


    Bookmark   April 17, 2008 at 10:19AM
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