Dating a Widower

sammbergApril 3, 2007

His wife died 30 days ago and he wants to date one woman exclusively. That sounds weird. They were married @ 18 years. Sounds kinda scary to me.

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mav63_2007

You are right, it's weird and scary. He should be a lot more griefstricken than that after 18 years. Sounds to me like he is looking to replace one housekeeper with another one asap so beware. If he gets hit with a bolt of lightening jump out of the way because you will know his poor wife is watching him.

    Bookmark   April 3, 2007 at 3:55PM
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bob6831

Hi.
Without knowing more on the relationship this man had with his wife (was she sick long time? ...... was their relationship mutually exclusive?, .... etc.), cannot really understand. Maybe he had a relationship with this 3rd person before his wife died. Either way, does not sound like a relationship that you should get involved with.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2007 at 11:35AM
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sudiepav

Or maybe he's shellshocked by the loss and wants again to have a relationship to replace the one he had. This is not a good idea, either for the guy or his lady. If he's still truly grieving, and he should be after 30 days, he's not thinking clearly at all.

    Bookmark   April 4, 2007 at 2:37PM
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Carol_Ann

Men do tend to jump back quickly into dating and relationships after a loss... according to studies on the subject, it's because, while women tend to have close emotional relationships with a number of people (SO, parents, siblings, friends), men tend to have close emotional relationships with only one other person -- their spouse or SO. So when they lose that emotional connection they look to fill the loss in the same way that they had it before -- through an exclusive, romantic-type relationship.

Just because a man dates 30 days after the death of his wife doesn't mean he isn't grieving. As others have said, without more knowledge and information about the relationship, it's difficult to say what's going on. It's possible he is emotionally dependent and would be a poor person to date; he may just be incredibly lonely, finding it difficult to cope alone, and is looking to fill the void.

I knew a older man, a good family friend, who dated within a few months of his wife's death (there were widows knocking on his door two days after his wife's funeral, asking him out!!! even he was shocked!) but he grieved for his wife a long time, just in a very private way. He got out and enjoyed life and dated, but trust me, he also grieved. So try not to pass judgment on this man's grieving -- you never know what's going on inside.

I wouldn't classify it as scary or weird that he wants to date, but certainly if it doesn't feel right to you, don't do it. I personally wouldn't be inclined to jump into an "exclusive" relationship so fast -- I have to get to know someone well enough before I know I want to explore that possibility -- but it's not uncommon among older people.

I just wanted to present the other side because I've known some elderly men and seen how they coped. Good men, just very lonely.

Bottom line is, if you're seeing red flags -- or even yellow ones -- don't date him.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 9:25AM
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moonmother

I have been dating a widower for a couple of months. His wife died suddenly 2 years ago. We were having a pretty intense dating relationship when he suddenly ended it because he felt like he was cheating on her. What in the world does this mean? Is he still in the early stages of grieving? I feel terrible about it and miss him very much. I told him that I understood and to take all the time he needed to come to terms with his grief. Yet, I still left the door open in case he wanted to try again on a lighter note. Am I stupid or what?

    Bookmark   August 5, 2008 at 11:13PM
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heydeborah

a friend i know mother passed away after a very brief illness, much to her surprise after 6 weeks the dad got re-married, they were married for over 50 years and the new wife is 4 years older than my friend.

on the other hand, i have been without Al for 16 months now, and i have been asked out (not to sound rude) quiet alot. after being married for 25 years, i was very lucky, my husband treated me like a queen right up to the night he had his massive stroke, i know that i will never find anyone as nice as him, so i'd rather stay at home and get caught up on things that i've always wanted to do.
everyone is different and their needs are different.

debbie

    Bookmark   August 6, 2008 at 8:02PM
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cocobop_me_com

You might find somebody as nice. I worshiped my wife before she was killed by a drunk driver 2 years ago. So we are out there.

    Bookmark   August 3, 2010 at 2:27AM
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heydeborah

i believe there are still nice people out there. and i am sorry about your wife please accept my sympathy. i haven't been around on the forum for awhile, i've been doing some of the things i wanted to do. i walk to the university where i live everyday, it's about 4 miles one way and wait for my (our?) daughter to finish off her classes for the day (she rec'd her honours bachelor of arts in english and now is in her professional year to be a teacher school started early forher so she can get finished early, teaching is an excellent occupation in canada and pays VERY VERY WELL, my Al would have been so proud) anyways on the way to the university the cemetary is across the street there is a man there that is about 5 years older than me we chat when we see each other he visits his wife daily like i do, today he asked me out for coffee (in the cemetary of all places!), i declined nicely, but i too felt like i was cheating. summer is still here in northern canada - about 85 today and lake superior is so warm, enjoy your day and do something nice for a stranger!

    Bookmark   August 24, 2010 at 4:12PM
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Ninapearl

it's been 2 years, 9 months since i lost my husband to a 21 month long illness. we had been together 11 years, he was and always will be my soul mate. i've been approached a few times, even went out once about a year ago just to see what it would be like. i was uncomfortable the whole time, couldn't wait to get home and don't intend on trying that again!

i'm happy to stay home with my dogs. when i'm asked if i date, my reply is, i had the best for 11 years, i don't need anything else.

    Bookmark   August 27, 2010 at 8:11AM
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lulie___wayne

Carol Ann wrote exactly what I was going to write... every paragraph.
Just keep your eyes open.
Lulie

    Bookmark   August 30, 2010 at 10:58PM
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