Feel like I am dying - so sad

Kitty_KateApril 7, 2013

Hello.
I joined this site for many reasons - a major one being that my second husband (of 13 years) and I have just inherited a very run-down home in the USA, worth very little & needing a lot of work (although it is sound, safe & functional).

I am Australian. Hubby is US.
I had 5 children to my first husband - a very abusive man. I stayed as long as I could (16 years) - and did all I could for my children - my "babies".

Four months ago, my 2nd youngest, my 20 year old son, died in a road accident. No-one's fault. A tragic, awful, unforseeable accident.

I can't move past it. I stay in my PJs all day (my other children are also grown & have all left home).

I cry - every day - for hours of the day.
I do nothing - there seems no point. I can't sleep. Food is tasteless - if my husband didn't cook, I wouldn't eat. I have not been out of the house for weeks and weeks, except one or two Dr apts.

I have seen a psychiatrist, and I am meant to be starting a series of "classes" (DBT) to help, plus I am even being admitted to hospital to try medication that may help.

I do feel suicidal - but because I have this *stupid* thought I could see my boy again.

I couldn't say goodbye.

I was having major surgery, and missed his birthday 2 months prior - and I feel such enormous guilt. I could have called. I could have done at least that. And I didn't. I was too wrapped up in me and my issues.

I miss him so much I truly think my heart is physically breaking. I have a hole inside me that is deep and empty. Nothing seems to matter.

I don't feel like I talked to him emough. I didn't hug him enough. I told him (as I do all my kids) how much I love them & how proud I am of them.
But I still feel like I didn't say / do enough and now it is too late.

I want to hug my son so badly - how does anyone ever "live" again?

I am just existing.

I do not see my other children often as they have moved to various areas - interstate; one is in the military, etc.

I can't explain the pain. I can't live with the pain. Nobody else seems to "get it" - and that it was "awhile ago" so I should be "moving on".

Moving on to / or for, what?

Honestly - nothing really seems to matter, or have any importance anymore.

ANY advice? Please?

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Sad-33

I'm very sorry for your loss. Four months is very little time, for such an enormous loss as yours. I don't think anyone can understand what you are going through unless they went through it themselves. I didn't lose a child, I lost my mom so it's completely different, but I can relate to the feeling of just existing.
Don't listen to the people who tell you that you should 'get over it' or that it's been months so you should be ok now. No one gets over a son being gone, you just try to learn bit by bit to live in a world he is no longer in.
About the regrets, I guess it's inevitable to think about the things you didn't do or say, but those thoughts just drag you down What's important is that your son knew you loved him, because you told him so, even if you hadn't been the person to say such things he would have known anyway!
Four months is very fresh, grief is a long road, give yourself time and cut yourself some slack, it's more than normal that you feel this way and it's very good that you are looking for help, seeing a psychiatrist.
I'm sorry if I said something that might have offended you, I didn't mean to. I just wanted to send you a message since I read your post.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2013 at 2:44PM
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colleenoz

How very sad you must feel. You ask, for what should you go on? For your husband, and your four other children who all love you. It may be too that one day there will be grandchildren, and they will need a grandma to love and spoil them.
At the moment it is just a case of putting one foot in front of the other, and to keep doing that. One day it _will_ get easier. Nothing lasts forever except love.
You say, "I don't feel like I talked to him emough. I didn't hug him enough. I told him (as I do all my kids) how much I love them & how proud I am of them.
But I still feel like I didn't say / do enough and now it is too late. " How much is "enough"? It is one of those unanswerable questions. But, I believe your son is now a part of the universe: he will hear you even now. So talk to him now. Tell him how much you love him and are proud of him. Others may think you're a crazy woman, but really, it can't hurt and who knows? he may hear you.
Take care of yourself and keep on with your medical appointments. One day the world will not be so dark, the trick is to keep going until you get there.

    Bookmark   April 9, 2013 at 12:56AM
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ginny20

Sad-33 and colleenoz put it so well. I just wanted to add another voice in agreement. Be kind to yourself for the sake of the people who love you. You are not weak, you are not "wrong" to feel as you do. You are living through one of the biggest trials that a parent can face. Also remember that the last four months have been winter, at least for most of us. Biologically, you may find it easier to cope when there is more sunlight.

I have always found comfort in the beauty of nature. You're making good efforts: talking to people, seeking medical help, and continuing to breathe, to paraphrase Tom Hanks in "Sleepless in Seattle." Would it help to spend time, maybe with a family member, in a park, garden, beach, or other lovely setting, listening to birds or waves or the breeze in the trees, and drinking in peace and beauty? If you concentrate on the beauty, really looking at things and being in the moment, it can be almost like meditating. When you are in so much pain, it's good to have a break, no matter how short, just to feel something else.

Please accept my sincere sympathy for your tragic loss. There will be brighter times ahead for you and your family.

    Bookmark   April 10, 2013 at 1:28PM
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emma

I am so sorry for your loss and I am sorry you are not able to get on with your life. I will be right up front with you. You probably don't have to worry about suicide. The way you are living will eventually do it for you. Stress can kill you. My doctor told me if I didn't get rid of my stress I would die before my husband. I decided to live, so I put him in a care home. Yours is a more difficult situation, an enormous grief that I have never felt. I can tell you for sure, I would choose to live. You have to work at not thinking about it and I know that sounds simple and it is not. You have to redirect your mind when you think of him. Find something you loved before his death and get back into it. Any thing to put your mind at ease if only for a few minutes. Go somewhere, do something, watch an engrossing movie, listen to music. It can be done, many have been through it and get over it. You will always have pain but it will lessen it, if you find something to do. Please try for the people who love you.

I would hate it if my Mom did what you are doing. It would mean she wants to die to be with him and doesn't want to live and be with me!

    Bookmark   April 10, 2013 at 2:16PM
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sylviatexas1

I'm so sorry, both for your tragic & heartbreaking loss & for your despair.

You're laboring under a crushing amount of grief, pain, depression, &, although it's unearned, guilt.

You're absolutely entitled to your despair, anybody would be in despair...

but don't let it kill you.

You are not only the mother of 4 living children, you're the link between them & their brother, & you're the only one alive who has the memories that you have;
without you, those most intimate memories of your son would be gone forever.

Please call your doctor & insist on some good anti-depressants (get your husband to help if you can't summon the strength to insist);
depression is a physical problem, &, while talking therapy can give you insight, *it won't make you feel better*.

The synapses in our brains don't fire right when we're depressed, & that makes us feel worse, & that makes the synapses get more off-kilter...

It's like a car engine that's "missing";
you can tinker with all kinds of things in that engine, but you have to get it to fire correctly to fix the "miss".

It takes a while for anti-depressents to work, so meanwhile, & I know it's hard because you don't feel like doing it, get some oxygen to your brain.

Enlist your husband's help if you can't force yourself to do it on your own, sign up for a jazzercise class, do whatever it takes, but move move move.

Get your heart rate up & you'll get good oxygenated blood to your brain, which will make your synapses fire more efficiently & you'll function better.

Please take care of yourself, & enlist the help of anybody you can, husband, friends, family, people from church, anybody & everybody, to help you do it.

& please post here again.

We all want you to be your own self again, & we wanna know about it.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2013 at 12:53PM
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Yorkies2

My only son was killed when he was 16, then my husband of 34 years died at 52, then my oldest grandson was killed in an accident, then my only daughter got stage 3B colon cancer. She isn't out of the woods yet. Then my second husband of 20 years died in November and my mom 10 days later. It's been hard, but you CAN do it. Life goes on. You have other family that need you. You are not being there for them and they are hurting too.

    Bookmark   April 16, 2013 at 11:05PM
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quasifish

I am so sorry for your loss. As others have said, it truly has been only a short time since, and what you are feeling is not at all abnormal. There is also no time frame regarding when you should or shouldn't feel better- that isn't up to anybody else. You will never "get over" this, you will eventually learn to live with it.

Recently I read the book "On Grief and Grieving"- it's by a lady who was renowned in this subject matter. I have found it to be helpful and insightful on the journey. Just reading about the emotions and thoughts you may encounter, and what the proverbial 5 stages of grief signify are comforting. Understanding has allowed me to put many stuck thoughts to rest, and know that today may not be a comfortable day, but eventually things will get better. This morning I was rereading her passage on depression and she defines depression as emotional acceptance. It is an important stage to go through and very natural- by all means get some meds if you need them to help you through this time. I'd recommend the book, if you feel it is something you can do at this time.

For you and your family, again, I am so very sorry for your loss.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2013 at 3:41PM
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popi_gw

I am sorry for you loss too.

But you know, there is something your could do.

Go to your bedroom, get out your walking shoes, put them on, grab a hat (I assume it is summer where you are) and step out the front door. Take your purse, and keys.

Just walk, let your legs do the work, don't think about anything else, but what you can see. Concentrate on what you can see...the lovely trees, the pretty flowers, the blue sky, the singing birds.

Walk as long as you feel comfortable, but just a little further to get those leg muscles going.

Don't forget to go back home.

Do this every day.

Slowly you will find that you will be able to lift yourself from the gloom.

It will be difficult to begin with, and you will have to tell yourself to just get on with it and stop finding reasons for not doing it.

Swimming is also good.

Let me know how you get on..I am a fellow Aussie.

All the best to you.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2013 at 12:06AM
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