Feel like I am dying - so sad
I joined this site for many reasons - a major one being that my second husband (of 13 years) and I have just inherited a very run-down home in the USA, worth very little & needing a lot of work (although it is sound, safe & functional).
I am Australian. Hubby is US.
I had 5 children to my first husband - a very abusive man. I stayed as long as I could (16 years) - and did all I could for my children - my "babies".
Four months ago, my 2nd youngest, my 20 year old son, died in a road accident. No-one's fault. A tragic, awful, unforseeable accident.
I can't move past it. I stay in my PJs all day (my other children are also grown & have all left home).
I cry - every day - for hours of the day.
I do nothing - there seems no point. I can't sleep. Food is tasteless - if my husband didn't cook, I wouldn't eat. I have not been out of the house for weeks and weeks, except one or two Dr apts.
I have seen a psychiatrist, and I am meant to be starting a series of "classes" (DBT) to help, plus I am even being admitted to hospital to try medication that may help.
I do feel suicidal - but because I have this *stupid* thought I could see my boy again.
I couldn't say goodbye.
I was having major surgery, and missed his birthday 2 months prior - and I feel such enormous guilt. I could have called. I could have done at least that. And I didn't. I was too wrapped up in me and my issues.
I miss him so much I truly think my heart is physically breaking. I have a hole inside me that is deep and empty. Nothing seems to matter.
I don't feel like I talked to him emough. I didn't hug him enough. I told him (as I do all my kids) how much I love them & how proud I am of them.
But I still feel like I didn't say / do enough and now it is too late.
I want to hug my son so badly - how does anyone ever "live" again?
I am just existing.
I do not see my other children often as they have moved to various areas - interstate; one is in the military, etc.
I can't explain the pain. I can't live with the pain. Nobody else seems to "get it" - and that it was "awhile ago" so I should be "moving on".
Moving on to / or for, what?
Honestly - nothing really seems to matter, or have any importance anymore.
ANY advice? Please?