Miss my mother and Grandmother

paulabakerApril 17, 2009

My mother just passed on March18th 2009, she was 51. She was the kind of mother you donthave while growing up because she was finding her own self, she became more like a mother to me then a sister after I became a adult, Her mother Louise was my Mother growing up and we became very close and were untill she passed away 9 days after my mtoher died , She passed March 30th 2009 at 68, I am truley alone, I hurt every day, cant seem to get my head together. I cry I cant stand going out side, I have no Idea what to do about my job, went back one day came home and had a sever panic attack. I am going to try again today but I can already feel like I am going to be sick. I dont leave the hosue unless Ihave to leave to drive back home to Pa. Where they both passed away. My grandmaother was in the Icu since March 11th, my mother was fine, she just died on the 18th due to breathing problems, that noone was concerned with becasue she always sounded like that> I seenher the day before she passed she was hard to wake up btu she did and told me she loved me, She died alone at my grandmothers hosue at 11 am , My aunt and Pappy talked to her 1/2 hour before she passed, they asked her if she wanted to go to the hospital to see my grandmother, they were taking her breathing tube out, she was inproving greatly. She said no, and thenmy aunt asked if she need to go her self to the hospitla and she protested. like she always did , she was so stong willed. Anyhow they came back from the hospital only 3 blocks away and she wa sonthe floor purle, my aunt did cpr untill the ambluance came my mother was gone, i got the call at work. I did not make it up in time to see her leave the hosue that day, the funneral home made me wait untill the next day at 2 to see her for the first time since she passed, Gosh that was so hard. I am her oldest child of 2 girls, my sister had a mental condition, but is doing ok she is bi-polar and other things. So right after I got up to Pa we headed to the hospital I was just thier yesterday. and We told my grandmother who raised me abou tmy mother, she was kind of out of it but still able to comprened this, she was upset.

She improved and promised me she will be home soon, She needed to be thier, I darn not talk to her about my feeling becaus eshe was fighting to get well, so we never talked about my mother passing those days. I really need someone to talk to and she was my everything, but she was inthe hosptail so I tryed to stay stong and if Ihad to cry I left the room. I put all my strength in seeing her everyday.

My mother left this world with out a will or anything to help me figure out what to do, they messed up her death certificate so I am final now getting started.

Grandma imporved so much they moved her out of this hospital into a program called select care in the Holy sprit hospital in Camphill Pa, well she was thier 2 days before she went down hill suoper fast, they called me to tall me grandma died, then my aunt called back said they got her back, I drove so fast to Pa. I went tothe Icu she was thier alive but on life support kidney support blood pressure support, What happend she was fine yesterday but hurtinginher belly, but was breathing and her test came back ok. What happend over night? well Finaly the doctors came in and said if she loses her heart beat again theier is nothing they can do, except cpr. Grandmas systems were shutting down. I was going to lose my other MOTHER. She heled on to her life until my son from new hampshire got thier, she died the next day March 30th 2009 at 8:20 I was with her the whole time. I seen everything, The doctor said it was time to call it, my aunt said no I said yes,and they called her death. Gosh, I want her back!!!! I need my Mothers ...

I was just startign to get close with my mother, and it felt so good. I have wanted that relationship with her all my life.. My grandmother flet so good about that.

She now will never know abou ther new Great great grandchild on the way.

She had one frommy son but I just found out thier is anotheer on the way, I cant even be happy, I hate going outside, I started having panic attacks when I do, I could lose my job over this. Stressed out over bills becaus eof this. I have a house to see, a sister that has to move out of a hosue because of it, I could not even afford a service, so we had one at my aunts hosue. for my mother, now my grandmother had one the day after my mothers, talk abou tone messed up weekend, in April.. terrible. I really cant function, people tell me it will get easier but I cant see that happing anytime soon, thenmy son breaks out with Mera.. I am at my limmits, I cant go tot he doctors because i Have no heath insureance. I am at my wits end..


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Look in the phone book, papers, contact medical center YMCA etc for grief support groups. There are many resourses avaiable. Many of these are quite resonable and or free. If you have other relatives this will help. Start a journal to write memories

    Bookmark   April 17, 2009 at 4:15PM
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