She died in her sleep and I'm living in a daze !

dtskhApril 11, 2009

On November 25, 2008 (not yet 5 months), I got a call saying my mom who was a healthy 73 died in her sleep. She was not sick or anything , I guess she had something called a silent heart attack. I am 38 and I live next door and have lived here since I married 20 years ago. I don't know what to do without her. My dad is so lonely and sad, he is 75 and mom did everything for him. They were a true love story. I do his laundry, pay bills, cook and do all the things for him I can, but I have a panic now when I leave him alone. I have to call him at exactly 8:00 a.m everyday and we spend the day together while my husband is at school and teenagers are at school. He eats dinner with us and then goes home and I call him at exactly 10:30 and then he goes to bed. I am aware that I am developing some phobias but I don't know what to do. I hate it because if I find myself laughing or taking a second to step out of my box I feel quilty. My mom had 12 brothers and sisters and she was the first sister to go and all of them are so loss, she was the the big mom was not baptized but was such a wonderful person, I truly mean it when I say she never treated anyone bad, and had the most forgiving heart. She went to church fairly regular but never was comfortable there because she felt nobody liked her..and really it was my fault we kept going there because I just have always gone there for the last 12 years..its a small church of about 100 and honestly some didn't even know her first name . My mom was always shy so people just ignored here there so she never wanted to go forward because she didn't feel like they treated people right., yet for years she went. She was so good, In fact she died in her chair waiting for her grandchildren because she babysat them even when everyone wanted her to quit because it was to much for her. She knew they were all she had. Since she has gone I have had a couple signs that she is ok but the old devil creeps in every so often to assure me she is not. I just feel like she is setting on my brain all the time and I can't deal. I'm just missing her so bad , we did so much together. Where to I begin, I know this a lot to put out there but I am just lost. My oldest daughter was going to go away to college this coming fall but decided to stay at home and go local so I do feel there is a little light . Any advise or have any of you been in this situation.

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Hi sweetie,
I feel your pain, and my heart goes out to you and your family. I lost my mom on Feb 20th of this year, she suffered from COPD and congestive heart failure and my brother and I were blessed to be with her when she passed as she was in the hospital. From reading your post, I detect a concern maybe that you need to be re-assured she is in heaven. Just because a person does go or does not go or is or is not baptized really holds no weight on where they end up. The Lord created us to have fellowship with us and we not only find him in church but everywhere around us. It is unfortunate those in the church did not make more of an effort to be Christ like because the greatest of all gifts is love.
If your mom accepted Christ, I am sure she had a relationship with him no matter where she was. And you are right, Satan will alway, always, always try and make you think otherwise because he is the destroyer, he is the father of lies and his only goal is to make you miserable, afraid, sad, scared and all you need to do is remember that she is in heaven and our Lord died for our sins so we can live with him in eternity. That battle is already fought and won, it is over.
The best thing you can do so fear does not turn into a phobia is give it to God, let him have your fear and anxiety and allow him to release you from that bondage. Enjoy your time with your father, do not allow the devil to bring anxiety into the remaining time you have with him. It is OK to smile, just remember the battle is won. Our loved ones are with Christ in heaven, God knows our hearts, he knows our thoughts even before they pass from our lips, your mother sounds like she was a very kind woman with a lot of passion and joy, no matter how she felt about the patrons at the church she still went, for you for her or to worship she went, more importantly we do not only worship God in church but in our daily lives and I am sure if you think about it your mother did this, she this by loving those around her.
Your dad needs you, you need each other. Enjoy the time you have with him, make every moment count, talk about your mom together, share stories, take notes when you speak to your dad, begin a journal as a way to remember her.
I am sure he has many stories you have not heard before, this is a way to honor her and keep her memory alive and it will give you and your children something to always have and treasure. Stories were passed down from generation to generation as a way to honor a persons life.
They say it gets easier with time but I still cry every day for my mom, I know she is in heaven and I cry because I simply miss her. We spoke on the phone every day for the last 23 years when I moved out of state. I looked forward to those phone calls and miss those calls tremendously, she had the best sense of humor and was my best friend, when I visited or she visited we were inseperable. However, I do wish she and I lived next door to each other, we both would have truly loved that :-(
I had time to say good bye but you did not and that I am sure is very, extremely hard, but I bet she knows everything you ever wanted to say to her that you may have wished you had said before she died.
Spend time with your dad, take him out and just enjoy all the time you have left with him and remember the battle is already won, your mom is in heaven and in with our Lord and I am quite sure more happier and more peaceful than she has ever, truly, been. God bless.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2009 at 2:46AM
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Italysprings, Thank you so much for writing me, and I am very sorry for your loss as well. It is a hard road and I am sorry for anyone who has to travel it. I am trying really hard to just keep praying and trusting in the Lord. I thank him all the time for letting me have such a wonderful mom as I know all of us are not so lucky. It sounds as if you had a great relationship with your mom as well. I know how you feel about crying every day, I can't believe how our bodies handle grief. I guess we truly do not know happiness until we experience the other side. Tell you what, I will be praying for you, and please pray for me. I don't know you but maybe together we can send some prayers up for one another and find some strenght to carry us through this. Your kind words really uplifted me this Easter day, and your right I am going to try and enjoy my dad and stop being so scared of losing him. Keep in touch with me and maybe we can help each other through some of this since we know the same type of pain. God bless you and I wish you pleasant dreams.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2009 at 9:53PM
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I think that if you went to a grief group you could begin to cope and help all. First, your family, should come first. Find a senior group, a different church group for your Dad. You are not your Mom, and your Dad does need some people his age. You do not need to spend all day, every day with him or your family will be looking for a new mom. Sorry, that is realilty. Yes, you can call every day, but change the time. Encourage the relatives to call, come by etc. Kids grow up and leave home. That is natural. I am extremely proud that all my kids are independent have great families and yet I know if I need them they will come, but their families do come first. I have my own hobbies and interest along with DH had his. Independence is very good. Take one step at a time. I did not have too good of a relationship with my mom, but I try to avoid the mistakes that I think she made. Crying all the time is not good and is depressing. Remember the good and remember smiles and happy thoughts make a longer life.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2009 at 10:23PM
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Hey, first thing I want to say is that crying is a form of self healing, it is better to cry and experience the pain rather than repressing it and not dealing with it, a therapist will tell you that it is normal during the grieving process to cry, at odd times even, and to allow yourself to cry because that is one of the first steps in healing.
One day the tears will stop, or not be as frequent and that is perfectly normal, for people who do not allow themselves to cry they can fall into the trap of using something to help them cope with the pain, what ever crutch it is, they will use it.
Having a hobby is good, I have painting and needle work and I read and go on walks and my mom is on my mind always and a thought may make me laugh or it may make my eyes water and we are talking about our losses only being 5 or 2 months ago, it is still fresh, do not run away from your feelings and yes therapy is good. This forum is good too as so many people have similar circumstances or events and share. I will keep you in my prayers and would love and appreciate your keeping me in yours.
God is with us, he does not promise us a life free of pain but he does promise us he wont give us more than we can handle.
And remember he designed our bodies and is all knowing and the tear ducts are there for a very good reason, and I thank God for that.
If we could not cry when we felt like it just imagine all the pain that would still be inside of us!!
I am glad I was able to bring you some comfort, it is nice too meeting someone who also had a very close relationship with their mother as well.
As for your daughter going away to college or staying close to home, she is going through her anxiety too probably of realizing life is short, she just lost her grandmother and may have a fear of loosing you as well.
So if she wants to stay close to home for a semester or year hey, that is another step in healing. I am moving to Ohio to be close to my brother who is my only immediate family, we have distant cousins but they are over seas and we only have each other and after my mom's passing, I could not imagine not living close to him.
Life goes on sure, and when it goes on it just changes a little, do what you need to do to heal and allow yourself to feel the pain, cry when you want and enjoy your dad, and maybe talk to your daughter to see if she has any anxiety and then ( as I will too) pray to God to lift the fear and anxiety and replace it with peace, comfort and joy, joy that you still have a lot of great memories, a father who is still with you and a stronger bond with all your loved ones.
And remember, God alone is in charge of when we die, our job is to just live life the best we can and maintain a relationship with God because when we do he guides us, just keep trusting in him and everything will fall into place. Even Jesus wept when Lazareth died right, death is sad, but it is only a short term separation. I will check back on this site to keep in contact with you because I am also finding peace via communication with you as well and again it is nice having met someone who understands how hard it is to loose not only a dear mother but their best friend too.
God bless and will keep you in my prayers.......

    Bookmark   April 12, 2009 at 11:04PM
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I forgot something I wanted to mention about how powerful our Lord is and how he truly does answer prayers. When I was married, my ex and I were both police officers, I had this overwhelming fear he would be shot and killed in the line of duty so one Sunday the sermon topic was on faith. How if you look at the bible and read the stories of God working in someone's life that person had faith, faith is like the key that starts the engine and gets the car moving.
So, one day on my way to work I decided to turn this anxiety over to God because it was consuming me greatly. I prayed the following prayer, "Lord, I know in my heart one day my husband will be shot in the line of duty and I know you give us free will, I am not asking you to remove the free will from the person who is going to shoot my husband but I am asking that you guide the bullet to go towards the bullet proof vest as I know my husband wears his faithfully and guide the bullet to the absolute perfect spot on my husband's bullet proof vest, actually Lord I would like you to place it on the outer edge of the metal trauma plate so I will remember you did this for me when the day comes, I only ask that my husband suffer a large bruise but nothing more, I know you know the perfect spot and I just ask you guide that bullet there because you can do this and in faith I thank you now for doing this and for giving me peace."
Only two months later I was at work (we worked the dame district) I saw my husband and I just had a feeling something bad was going to happen and told him to be careful. Then I dismissed my fear and went back to my job, 2 hours later I heard over the police radio that an officer was down due to gun shots, and I knew in my heart it was my husband. I tried to call his cell at the same time my Sgt. came to talk to me. Before he said anything I asked him if my husband was OK, he said he had been shot and I asked where and he said in his chest and he was taken to Shock Trauma.
I was in shock, but at peace as I remembered my prayer. When I arrived at the hospital I was told by the attending that my husband was OK but they needed to due examine him for internal injuries and potential heart failure as the bullet was discharged from a weapon at point blank range and it was very serious as it can cause internal bleeding and heart failure.
I held on fast to that prayer, I asked the Lord for only a large bruise, I had no idea when I prayed for the bullet to land in the vest there would be a possiblity of internal damage and heart failure.
When all tests were done, I was allowed to see my husband who was given the following statement by the attending in my presence " You only have a very nasty bruise, you have no internal bleeding or damage and your heart is fine, the bullet landed in the absolute perfect spot, a little here or there and we are looking at a different outcome, you are very lucky." When I asked where the bullet landed on the vest the doctor said, "the bullet hit the metal trauma plate on the outer edge corner."
God answered that prayer to a T!!!! He removed my fear and I know without a doubt that what ever we ask him for in faith will be given to us as long as it brings him glory and is done according to his will. So pray in faith and know and believe that God will answer it to a T....... I wanted to share this for two reasons, to help you see God's awesome glory and I promised God I would share this story of his glory and answered prayers. Hope this helps, believe in the word, just as sure as the word says he died for all our sins so we will be forgiven and have eternal life, he is with us, for us, and never forsakes us. All his promises come true. Have a nice night and God bless.

    Bookmark   April 12, 2009 at 11:36PM
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Its 12:00 a.m., and I can't sleep so I thougt I would check out gardenweb for awhile. I am glad to see you wrote again. This Easter day was so strange. My husband,dad,brother and uncle went to KY for a few days to go fishing and give my dad a little bit of a mental it's just me and my girls for a couple of days. I am actually letting them skip on Monday and we are going to try and do something since everything has been so mixed up. When they go to school it will be my first time really alone in 5 months. When me and the girls went to church this morning it was really hard because I just kept thinking about how last year my mom was setting next to me and today I was walking out with the 2 lilies that I bought to be used in her memory for the decorations(the church does this every-year) . I'm sure you know what I am talking about..just thinking about the times and realizing how you took so many simple things for granite and how it really is the simple things that matter most. I appreciate you sharing the story about your ex, sometimes its so hard to keep the faith, but I know its what keeps up alive and growing. God certainly had been listening to your prayers, thats amazing. I recently read the book "The Shack", my brother suggested it and it was an amazing read..I think you would be uplifted by it as well. Life is so full of suprises, isn't it ? I can't help but be a little scared now about what lies ahead but then I also stop and think everyday that passes is one day less without my mom and one day closer to seeing her again. I guess the hardest part on me is just having been told that if your not baptized you can't go to heaven. I guess I really just need to keep in my head that God has the final say. And as far as my girls go, your right, I know they have a lot of anxiety..they were really close to mom and the oldest is named after her. By the way, I am glad your moving to be closer to your brother, thats great. I live in Ohio too ! Well, I guess I am going to try and go to will be in my prayers ! I'm sure it bothers the old devil that two strangers our teaming up for some encouragement and know that I am sending them up for you :) DTSKH

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 12:24AM
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Wow you live in Ohio!!! I am moving up to Columbus, hopefully in June, but I will get back to that as I want to say something very important to you about being your bible and find where it says that you can not enter heaven unless you are is not in there. Christ died on the cross for our sins so we can have eternal life with him, he finished the job on the cross, what he did for us on that day alone is what allows us to spend eternity with him. My ex mother -in-law who was raised Catholic was very upset and told my ex and I that if we had a child, the baby would need to be baptized in case it died so it could go to heaven.

I respected her fear and would have baptized the baby (had we had one) so she would have peace but I also her that works do not save us. There is nothing we can do that will get us into heaven except accept Christ. He alone covers our sins, we are not saved by "works" but by faith. Also, the act of being baptized is a public profession of our accepting Christ as our Lord and Savior, it is just a public profession, it symbolizes dying to our sins and being re-born in Christ.
If we were saved by works alone or with additional works, then where is it written which works will do the trick???? I do not know which denomination you belong to, I am non denominational as I just do not care for man made traditions and did quite a lot of research on the Catholic faith as I noticed there were a lot of man made traditions and understand now why there are so many.

All we really need to remember is Jesus died for our sins, accepting him and having a relationship with him is all that is needed. I am quite positive your mom is in heaven with my mom and they are each looking down at us and praying for us. I too feel the exact same way you do about feeling that one day more is one day without mom but one more day closer to being with her.
I look forward to seeing her again, hugging her, feeling her soft skin, hearing her laugh, seeing the sparkle in her eye.

Satan is not only the father of lies, but the master of trickery and deceit. He will plan false notions in your head to make you think things , whisper ever softly if you are sure your mother is in heaven, when these thoughts enter just say out loud, "Christ died for our sins, my mom's sins and because of this she is with him for eternity" and she is. I also heard in the sermon on Sunday, and for some reason I thought of you and wanted to share this in case you were thinking it, but it was about Christ dying for our sins and there is no purgatory that some believe when you die you need to go to purgatory and this is wrong thinking.

The pastor said, "Christ said when I die I go to prepare a place for you, not two places for you, but a place for you." Jesus never said he was going to prepare purgatory and we had to go there or some of us had to go there before they could enter heaven,,,,,,it is not written in the bible, there is no proof to support this. Jesus simply died on the cross to atone for our sins and he finished the work on the cross, his death alone sealed our fate to enter heaven.

I could go on and on but I think I made my point. God is good and faithful, since 2005 I have endured many losses but God does not give us more than we can handle and he allowed all my pain and suffering to occur back to back like they did because they truly helped me deal with the loss of my mother. had I not had to mourn the loss of my baby, the loss of ever being able to be a mother, the loss of my husband through an affair on his part, I would not have been prepared to face the loss of my mom.
And I see how he prepared me and walked with me and at times carried me and still is.

The Lord does work in mysterious ways that is for sure, just look at us, we connected on this forum and we both lost mother's who we were so very close to, miss terribly, and you live in Ohio and soon I will be too. God ordains our paths in life, he leads us to a place in time that we find others who can help each other walk along the path he has chosen for us, and who will help us along the way, The Good Lord works through people, that is how we know he is still a living God. I think our paths crossed for a reason and I thank God for this. You are a blessing to me, and I pray I am one for you as well.

Maybe one day we can meet and have lunch and share stories about our mothers. Do not worry about her, I am so sure she is in heaven. I will check back again and I am not sure if we can put our email add's in here but here is mine if you wish to contact me via email Have a good and blessed day...

    Bookmark   April 13, 2009 at 3:57PM
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I emailed you so let me know if you get it . Hope you have a pleasant day. Praying for you.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 3:47PM
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I am sorry for both of your losses. I lost my mom in May of last year and it is hard to go through but some how we have to go through the mourning.

I loved your story about your ex. I have heard so many similar stories and have a few of my own.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 9:22PM
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Hello, I just checked my in box and I did not receive anything, sometimes people type IN instead of just N for, I also checked my spam folder but nothing was in there. I will re-type the email address as I am sure it is a bit hard to see........S U M M E R N G R E E C E @ forward to hearing from you.
I would love to read your stories as it is always a blessing to discover how God is working in everyone's life, he truly is an amazing and loving God!!!!!!

    Bookmark   April 14, 2009 at 10:31PM
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Hi, I tried to send you a letter again. Let me know if you get it. This time I got smart and saved it in case you don't I will post it here. Let me know..I look forward to hearing from you.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2009 at 12:34AM
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I meant for the above message to get to you. I sent a letter to your email. Let me know if you get it.
God Bless,

    Bookmark   April 15, 2009 at 12:41AM
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