Hating myself

drizzt127April 9, 2007

We just found that my mother had passed away last wednesday april 4th, she just had her birthday that monday to turn 48... It was so unexpected and i didnt even make it up to see her on her birthday. I just dont know what to do without her in my life. I have 2 children that were her life her world. My son is three and shes been taking him every week since he was born. It was so hard to explain to him that he cant see her anymore. She was actually supposed to come pick them up the day she passed. And thats just tearing me up. She had a lot of surgerys and so she was always in pain. I understand she doesnt hurt anymore but I cant help but need her back just to say goodbye. But I guess the worse thing is that I cant help blame myself for her passing, I was the hardest on her out of us kids. I always caused her so much pain growing up I think that maybe if I would have helped her lead and easier life she wouldnt have had that heart attack... Then before she passed I had decided that she needed a nurse in the house to help her with all her medications... She said no... I should have tried harder to get her one... Maybe things would have been different.. I really dont know how to go on and live my life anymore without her.. That woman was truely my world. My heart and soul and now I just have a huge empty space in my life that I dont think can ever be filled. Can someone please help me..... I really dont know what to do. THank you.

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It's so easy to hate ourselves, to blame ourselves when things go wrong. The truth is that we're not powerful enough to stop people from dying.

You obviously loved your mother deeply, and still do. I guarantee she knew this when she was on this earth, and she knows it still. I can't tell you that the hole in your life will be filled, but please know that it will get better with time. It might help to be open to signs from your mom. Meanwhile, you have a son and others who need you. Let them keep you going for now.

Post here often.


    Bookmark   April 9, 2007 at 11:09PM
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You were harder on her probably because you were the most alike - just like my father and I, so wanted to see the best in her, which she maybe could only give to any of you in pieces, but don't ever think you didn't love each other, or that she didn't know you cared... from the sound of your note, she had to know. Life never seems to be fair, to match up the good and bad in equal amounts, but your mother being older I'm sure was also wiser, and knew it and didn't hold it against you or anyone else. You did your best, and that's all anyone ever can do. But I'm very sorry, it is much harder when it's so unexpected. Your children will manage just fine - hard as it is to accept, their memories are short (the younger they are) and they have you to help them.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2007 at 5:36AM
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There should be a grief counselor, group, available to attend. You cannot overcome this by yourself. Look in the paper, phone book, ask at the hospital, YMCA, some churches. You may not find the right one at first, but give them a try out. You might start making a scrapbook, or journal of memories, pictures and thoughts for you son when he gets older. At 3, they do forget easy and you will be angry over this. Counseling is good.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2007 at 8:20PM
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Honey, there isn't a child alive whose parent(s) have died who doesn't have some regrets. Even the kids who were pretty near perfect can dredge up something to feel guilty about.
My mother and I were nit picking at each other the day she died. She had climbed up on a stool to restart her Regulator clock and I found out....well, of course a lecture from me ensued. I was also on to her about eating too much chocolate...her health had started to go downhill, she had been in hospital and rehab and I was determined to fix her. She was 89 years old. I made our supper and brought it in to our TV trays , she said "Oh, you filled my glass too full...", crabbily. I took the glass back, poured some out and then set it down a little hard on her tray. We took a few bites and I was surfing the TV channels, I said to her, "There is nothing on TV", she said back, "I know it".
Out of the corner of my eye I saw her head droop down, her breath was coming out in little puffs, and she dropped her fork. She was instantly dead, I called 911, did CPR, etc., the guys got there right away but it was no use.
It took me a very long time to get over the fact that our last day together ended like that. One of my daughters said Granny knew you loved her and you know she loved you...that's all that matters. And it really is. We never know when our last earthly time will be with our loved ones, and since we are just living our daily lives in our regular way, not everything is going to come out perfect. I am sure your mom loved you and you loved her, and you both knew it, so accept that you are an imperfect human being with flaws and forgive yourself. You didn't do anything bad, and you definitely did not cause your mom to die of a heart attack. Like the doctor in emergency said to me when I said, oh, if I had just done this, or done that....he said "Don't even start that...it was just your mother's time, and nothing you could have done would have changed that."
Please don't torture your Mama's little girl, that's the last thing she would have wanted. Do go for some group counseling...it helps to talk to others who are hurting the way you are, because they understand. A professional would be good, as well.
God Bless, and take care.

    Bookmark   April 14, 2007 at 9:08PM
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Drizzt, I'm so sorry you lost your dear mother and for all the heartbreak you are suffering. Others here have offered you wonderful advice. Come back and re-read their words from time to time. It will help.

You have my deepest sympathy. Keep us posted on how you are doing.

    Bookmark   April 15, 2007 at 5:02PM
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It's a VERY common experience to feel some type of guilt when a person dies - that doesn't mean you actually did anything so terrible. There are no perfect people in this world, we have all done or said (or not done and said) something that we wish had been different.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 3:05PM
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's tough and you have a lot of emotions running through you right now but please try not to hate yourself. It only makes matters worse. Just know that your mom loved you and KNEW how much you loved her. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Bookmark   April 17, 2007 at 6:00PM
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I don't think you should be so hard on yourself.

You did your best, and if you think you didn't you can't change that now.

You know what you can do to feel better ?

Learn from your experiences, and be the best mum in the world to your children, do that for your mum and for yourself and for your children.

Life goes on, and you can be happy again, hugs to your children, find joy and happiness in them, this will keep you going.

When I lost my mum, I spoiled my son, a bit, it made me feel so much better, to do something for him. I was really doing it to make me feel better.

I used to buy myself fresh flowers, I used to look for the beauty in things, in nature, in art, in my children's faces. Hugging and touching others is very good for you, as well. Go for walks in lovely places.

I know its so hard, the loss is unbearable at times, but keep going, because things do get easier.


    Bookmark   April 22, 2007 at 9:38PM
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