my husband died of pancreatic cancer

lldauntApril 4, 2008

I JUST JOINED YOUR FORUM MY GRANDAUGHTER TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR SITE. MY FRANK DIED ON MARCH5,08 ON MY AND MY DAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY. I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO STOP CRYING I NEVER THOUGHT ANYONE COULD CRY SO MUCH. WE HAD BEEN TOGETHER 49 YEARS 50 THIS NOV. I AM SO HURT I FEEL AS PART OF MY LIFE HAS GONE BUT I KNOW I HAVE TO GO ON. I HAD TO CREAMATE HIM BECAUSE OF FIANCEAL REASONS AND I AM SO AT ODDS WITH MYSELF OVER THIS I FEEL AS I DID SOMETHING WRONG.HE WASN'T ABLE TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME THIS AWFUL CANCER TOOK HIM AWAY FROM ME IN 3 MONTHE. I AM HAVING SUCH A HARD TIME

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donnakt_gw

I'm so sorry, my husband passed away three years ago on April 2nd our 50th anniversary would have been on April 18th. We both had decided on cremation so I knew what he wanted and my children know when my time comes I will be creamated as well. I am still in tears, I can hardly look at his picture with out tears flowing. I wish you the best but do know how you feel.
don't blame yourself for doing what was the best thing you could have done.
Hugs,
Donna

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 9:42AM
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highcenter

I cannot comprehend your pain but I am sure that all of your feelings and emotions are justified. You have to continue to live, it is a tribute to your husband to move on. You must believe that Frank would not want you to sit at home and wither away.

My father passed on March 1, 2008 after a 4 year battle with Cancer. It started 4 years ago with lung cancer which he beat and then 2.5 years later he was diagnosed with brain cancer. They performed brain surgery and removed a tumour the size of an XL egg. He then underwent chemotherapy in the late summer early fall of 2006 followed by radiation treatments in the spring of 2007. The cancer did not go away and in September 2007 he went to Roswell Cancer Center in Buffalo NY for Gamma Knife treatment. THEY BROKE HIM!!! In October of 2007 he lost his ability to walk and quickly went downhill.

A family friend gave us this:

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me
When tomorrow starts without me, and I'm not there to see;
if the sun should rise and fine your eyes filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things, we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you,
and each time that you think of me, I know you'll miss me too;
but when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel cam and called my name, and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready, in heaven far above,
and that I'd have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all my life, I'd always thought, I didn't want to die,
I had so much to live for, so much yet to do,
it seamed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the yesterdays, the good ones and the bad,
I thought of all the love we shared, and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, even just for a while,
I'd say goodbye and kiss you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realized tat this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things, I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through heaven's gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity, and all I've promised you.
today your life on Earth is past, but here it starts anew."
"I promise no tomorrow, today will always last,
and since each day's the same way, there's no longing for the past.
You have been so faithful, so trusting, and so true.
Though there were times you did some things, you knew you shouldn't do.
But you have been forgiven, and now at least you're free.
So won't you take my hand, and share my life with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me, don't think we're far apart,
for every time you think of me, I'm right here in your heart.

Here is a link that might be useful: A Tribute To My Father

    Bookmark   April 4, 2008 at 7:29PM
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jampack

lldaunt, I'm am so sorry you are hurting so much. I understand about your feelings about your husbands final rites. My husband died Nov. 24, 07 and we had decided on cremation. Partly because of costs and partly because it is supposed to be "easier". He didn't like funerals.

I don't "like" funerals, but for me, it helps to have the support of family and friends at that hard time. It's what I am accustomed to. And is a "tangible" (if you will) closure. It was difficult for me not to have that. He didn't even want a memorial service, so I didn't. I have my own memories.

But the hardest part of it all was when his body was removed from the house and I realized that I would not see him again. And I didn't want his ashes in the house for almost 2 months. I just couldn't handle it! It was too strange. Thank God our mortuary director was understanding about that.

But time passed and I brought the ashes home and his daughter and I spread them on his birthday last month. It was peaceful and I am at peace with it all now.

You had nearly 50 years with your Frank. Would he honestly have wanted you to put your future at risk for incurred expenses? We have no need of this worlds' "things" when we pass into the next world.

May you find peace and joy in your memories of your loved one also.
Jan

    Bookmark   April 5, 2008 at 7:23AM
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lldaunt

TO JAMPACK
THANK YOU SO MUCH I ALSO HAD A VERY HARD TIME WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS TAKEN FROM THE HOUSE I HAD MY HUSBANDS ASHES IN THE HOUSE FOR 3 DAYS AND THEN I TOOK HIM TO REST AT THE CEMETARY WHERE HIS MOTHER AND BROTHER ARE BURIED. I AM SO GRATFUL FOR THIS SITE TODAY IS ONE MONTH SINCE I LOST MY FRANK AND IT'S BEEN VERY HARD I HAVE HAD TO TAKE ANXIETY PILLS BUT IT SEEMS TO HELP THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND WORDS

    Bookmark   April 6, 2008 at 1:37AM
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jampack

lldaunt, I'm glad you are here too! I'm still hurting at times too. It's just over 4 months since G died, and sometimes the dumbest things set me to tears. But, thats ok, I just go ahead & cry it out, blow my nose and do something needed to be done.

I did keep some ashes with me tho and its a comfort to me now.

I think that I might plant a tree in his memory, maybe even try for a memory garden. But will have to put more thought in the garden tho.

I tried anti-depressent medication for a week or two, but didn't like the way it robbed my thoughts, so I quit. I am a nurse so I feel that if medication is helpful to you of course use it. I am lucky that most of the time I tell myself that I will worry about ONLY something I can change. And leave the rest of it to the Higher Power.

Have a good day today and a better one tomorrow
Jan

    Bookmark   April 6, 2008 at 1:21PM
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lldaunt

To all on this site who are mourning a loved one thank you so much for your kind words. Today was a very hard day for me i cried and sobbed all afternoon and then i went outside and planted a few flowers my, husband loved gardening. i think i may find some releive in caring for his yard. i must remember my 3 daughters and my son are also grieving this is such a hard time, i was really angry with God but this also is getting better i am thinking of going to church again it has been many many years since i attened mass i did go on palm sunday with my 2 daughters and i am hoping i will make an effort to go but at this time i cannot promise anything for my grief is so very strong.as i mentioned above thank all for your kind words.

    Bookmark   April 7, 2008 at 3:01AM
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tenderchichi

For ldaunt:

"Fields Of Gold"/Sting

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in the fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in the fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold
I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in the fields of gold
We'll walk in the fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold
You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold
When we walked in the fields of gold

To listen, click:

Here is a link that might be useful: http://www.ladyjayes.com/gold.html

    Bookmark   April 7, 2008 at 1:58PM
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lldaunt

Thank you so much for this beautiful fields of gold it made me cry but I also felt some peace. I don't know why we must bear these heavy crosses. Today I found out my half sister is in stage 4 pancreatic cancer we just found each other about 2 years ago. First I have lost my beautiful Frank my husband and now I receive this sad sad news. I am trying to deal with my grief but at times I just cry and cry. again thank you every one

    Bookmark   April 9, 2008 at 2:34AM
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lldaunt

I am still having a hard time with my frank's passing i sit in his recliner and i remember him talking to me and it brings me to tears. i am trying to go on but it's only been about 6 weeks. i miss him so very much i can hardly bear it but i know i must try to heal this pain that i feel i have tried to pray again but i'm not doing to good but i'll keep trying. and hope i will get better any suggestions?

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 3:06AM
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jampack

lldaunt, its ok to cry. We all need it. We've all done it and just when we think its some better, something else pops up and we start to tear up again. Its ok.

I am a "list-maker" After G died, and I was rested somewhat, I knew I had to keep busy. I made a list of projects that needed to be done, and things I had to put aside while he was so ill. Some were kind of silly, but these things kept me going and on the right track. Like paying bills, chores, crafts, etc. Some of the things on my "list" haven't been completed yet, and maybe some will never be done. But for me, the important thing was to keep my mind and hands busy. I know that sounds terribly old-fashioned, but it got me over the initial shock and helped me to realize that I was capable to "going on".

I journal every day. and my lists go there too.

Why not start one about your life with your loved one? Make it as intimate as you want. If its for your eyes only, whatever you want to write. If its for your children/grandchildren to learn more about Frank, thats another slant to consider. I think that would be a very nice legacy to give to your family.

Most importantly, take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, eat properly,& if on medications, make sure you are taking it correctly. Give your self time. You can't "heal" overnight.

God Bless & Keep you
Jan

    Bookmark   April 12, 2008 at 10:50PM
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kayjones

lldaunt, please email me through 'my page' - my dear husband died April 17th, 2007 - from pancreatic cancer. We can visit via email if you like. I can really relate to your pain - I am still devastated!

    Bookmark   April 13, 2008 at 10:20PM
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growlove

lldaunt, my husband of 56 years died Sept.4th ,07 after over 3 years suffering with emphysema and I understand the grief you are experiencing because I just can't seem to get through this loss. The support of friends and family is there, but no one can understand unless they have experienced it. Just when I think I am a little better,something triggers the tears again and I am a mess. Unlike some others, I have to take something to help the hurt heal if it ever does. We had a beautiful yard of flower gardens which we enjoyed together. Have been in the same modest home for 53 years and our hobby together was digging in the soil. If there is anything I can do to help you survive this loss, please let me know. I wrote a letter to my husband last week in my journal and that helped a little. I am so glad I found this forum, didn't know it was here. Sincerely, Mary

    Bookmark   April 18, 2008 at 5:21PM
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kayjones

I spent some time, yesterday and today, going through pictures - some from the beginning of our friendship, up until the last days of his life. It helped me get through the 1-year mark, which was the 17th of April.

Yes, the heartache will always be there, but the fun times will be recalled every time I look at those pictures. I am trying, every day, to replace the bad memories of his illness with the good memories of our years together, and all the good times we shared. It makes me so thankful for the years I had him in my life!

    Bookmark   April 19, 2008 at 12:13AM
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jampack

Kay, you are such a sweet person on your posts. Very wise advice I think. I do the same, recall the good memories and try to forget the bad. Thank you.
Jan

    Bookmark   April 19, 2008 at 6:38AM
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kayjones

Jan, I learned, when Gary had cancer the first time, that life is precious - we MUST enjoy it NOW - tomorrow may be too late. If we can make another person smile, we MUST do it NOW - tomorrow may be too late.

When the cancer came back (7 years later), I realized that there is NOTHING as precious as TODAY, this moment, RIGHT NOW - it's the most precious time we have - the RIGHT NOW time! None of the little stuff matters anymore - it's all about living RIGHT HERE and RIGHT NOW! Tomorrow may never come!

    Bookmark   April 19, 2008 at 10:51PM
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lldaunt

i must say thank you to all of you who have helped me through this very hard time. last night i was crying and sobbing for my husband, i am trying but at times i still break into tears especially at night, my son gave me a anxiety pill to help me. i cannot get used to the idea that he is gone. but with the help of kind people like you and my family hopefully the pain will lessen.

thank you lldaunt.

    Bookmark   April 25, 2008 at 7:06PM
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kayjones

You will never 'get used to it' - I know, first-hand - you just have to keep trying to function from day-to-day. I STILL have dreams about him, still have lots of tears and my heart aches every day. I will never accept that he's gone - he is just away!

Come on back and talk to us ANY TIME - we all need and want to give you support - it helps us to heal as well.

    Bookmark   April 26, 2008 at 3:10PM
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tenderchichi

kay, that is how I feel, too. It is like my Dad is "away". Reminders of Him keep cropping up thruout my day. In varying situations, little memories of how my father would respond or react pop into my mind. He is gone but also here with me.

I find it difficult to address the losses of those whose spouse passed on. I think it is a much more difficult grief to get thru. Not because the love for the person is more or less. My Dad, probably not knowing so, brought me to a point where I no longer needed to rely upon him in my day to day life. I have a husband and family of my own. I was secure in the knowledge that he was there to support me if I really needed it and that was good.

I deeply recognize that the bond between husband and wife is different. Their lives become so intertwined and dependent in so many deeply personal ways. There is also the sharing of the household duties, child rearing etc. The person's whole concept of who they are is altered.

It hurts my heart to think about it. I feel for your pain and grief. Wishing all can find a way to happiness and a hopeful future.

    Bookmark   April 27, 2008 at 12:19AM
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cindy292

My husband died of pancreatic cancer to in September of 07 after 18 months with stage IV of the disease. I lost the love of my life and I was in that abysmal fog one hears about the whole first year. I lived one day at a time, set small goals and even kept a gratitude list on the worst days. It reminded me that I still had good reasons to live.

In some ways, the second year was harder when the reality of my future slapped me in the face and I Really Knew then that I was alone and I had to adjust my life to that fact as best I could.

I don't have family living nearby but they stay in touch and we get together as often as we can. I also have good friends but the newly made , widowed friends are the ones I am most comfortable to be with. We really understand each other of course and our lifestyles are more similar.

The greater the love, the greater the loss, they say. I truly believe it as I have never gone through anything harder in my life - and I've gone through lots.
I send hugs to all who have fought and survived the loss with as much grace and dignity as we possibly can.

    Bookmark   June 2, 2009 at 9:44PM
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